(Aragorn's FATHER, Arathorn, dies YOUNG(ISH) so his MOTHER, Gilraen, MOVES IN with Elrond. Who LOVES Aragorn like a SON, calls him Estel but doesn't TELL him that he is rightful King of Gondor. Elrond TELLS him all this when he is TWENTY and has been on a WORLD TOUR with Elrond's SONS.)

Elrond: "Have this ring and the Shards of Narsil. You're going to live for a long time, unless you get killed sooner. You can't have the Sceptre of Annuminas yet because you're not old enough."

* * *

(The next DAY, Aragorn goes for a WALK, SINGS and thinks he's seen a LEGENDARY Elf-maiden - but actually it's only Elrond's DAUGHTER, Arwen.)

Aragorn: "Daughter, huh? Where's he been keeping you?"

Arwen: "Lothlórien."

(Aragorn is PUT OUT that she's OLDER than him, but FALLS in LOVE anyway.)

* * *

Gilraen: "Stop pinning for Arwen - you haven't got a hope."

Aragorn: "It's not fair!"

Elrond: "Aragorn, give it up. Not only are you going to be in big trouble when you get older, but Arwen is too good for you and she knows it. Anyway, I'm leaving Middle-earth soon and she's coming with me."

Aragorn: "Damn."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES into the wild, FIGHTS Sauron, MEETS Gandalf and becomes UGLY [don't ask]. Eventually, he goes to Lothlórien and gets DRESSED up; Arwen is SMITTEN and BINDS herself [not literally] to him, resolving to get HITCHED at some point in the DISTANT future. Elrond FINDS out and is very ANNOYED.)

Elrond: "No way - not unless you're King of Gondor and Arnor."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES off once more and his MOTHER dies. The War of the RING occurs, Aragorn WINS the Battle of the Fields of Pelennor and becomes KING of Gondor and Arnor. When the RING is DESTROYED Elrond LEAVES and Arwen hangs around as QUEEN of Gondor for 60 YEARS. Aragorn eventually KICKS it, after handing Gondor and Arnor over to his SON, Eldarion. Arwen GRIEVES, goes to Lothlórien for the WINTER but no-one's HOME, so she DIES.)

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Tags: king, singing, trudging, fighting, don't ask, smitten, marriage, annoyance, ring, leaving, dead

Frodo: "Right. I've had enough. I'm off."

Aragorn: "Whatever. Come back and visit."

Arwen: "Please note that this is my first sentence in this story. In case your psychological scarring starts to screw your head, you can stand in for me when my ship leaves for Valinor. I won't be needing it. I'm staying here with hubby."

* * *

(Gimli and Éomer ARGUE over who's prettier: Arwen or Galadrial. Gimli GENEROUSLY allows Éomer to form his own OPINION. They get to Rohan and Éowyn and Faramir are officially ENGAGED to be HITCHED.)

Éomer: "Politically advantageous marriages - they're marvellous!"

* * *

(They all TRUDGE to Isengard, where it turns OUT that Treebeard is a bit of a SAP and has let Saruman go. They say 'bye to Aragorn. The Hobbits, Gandalf and the Elves HEAD off to the SHIRE. Along the WAY meet Saruman and his trusty sidekick Wormtongue and proceed to PATRONISE them.)

Saruman: "Isn't it enough that you've ruined me?"

Gandalf: "No."

* * *

(Galadriel and the Elves leave, while the Hobbits and Gandalf go to Rivendell.)

Bilbo: "129! Cool, huh?"

(They HANG around for a couple of WEEKS; Bilbo gives Frodo some POETRY, Sam some money and tells Merry and Pippin not to BRAG too much. Bilbo SINGS and Frodo PROMISES to come back and visit.)

Gandalf: "Don't bother. I'll drag him along to the Shire at some point. About this time of year. At some point."

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Tags: argument, marriage, trudging, leaving, poetry, singing

(The Army of the West (Aragorn's gang) are HORRIBLY outnumbered and are losing SPECTACUARLY. Luckily, the Eagles SAVE the day.)

* * *

(Elsewhere:)

Frodo: "Whatever. Time to die."

Sam: "But I'm not ready to die!"

Frodo: "Tough."

(Luckily, the Eagles and Gandalf SAVE the day. They all meet up with Aragorn and a minstrel SINGS about Frodo and Sam. There is a big REUNION FEAST; all the Hobbits are REUNITED and Merry and Pippin BRAG about their new-found CREDIBILITY. Sam is baffled by the STORIES he hears, Legolas SINGS as he goes to the SEA and everyone goes to bed.)

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Tags: spectacular, singing, eating, story, bed

(Legolas SINGS and Gimli STROKES his beard.)

Gimli: "This place needs some renovation work."

Legolas: "And gardens. Lots of gardens"

* * *

(Aragorn calls the Commanders TOGETHER, Legolas and Gimli MEET up with Pippin and Merry and they CHAT.)

Legolas: "Arrgh! Gulls!"

(Legolas TELLS them about how they GOT hold of the SHIPS and SINGS.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Denethor was wacked, but he was on to something. If Sauron gets hold of Frodo we're all screwed. Time to play bait."

Aragorn: "Sounds like a plan."

(They GATHER an army of 7000 and Aragorn swears he won't put his sword AWAY until the LAST battle.)

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Tags: singing, chatting, sword

(The Lord of the NAZGÛL scarpers, theorising that DISCRETION is the better part of VALOUR. Théoden gets decidedly NARKED off at seeing the Southeners and goes on a KILLING SPREE. Théoden's horse is HIT by an arrow and the Lord of the NAZGÛL and his flying STEED turn up.)

Dernhelm: "Geroff!"

Lord of the Nazgûl: "You can't frighten me! No man can! Ha Ha!"

Dernhelm: "But I am not a man - I am a wo-man!"

(It's Éowyn. The Lord of the NAZGÛL considers this BRIEFLY, while Merry DECIDES to actually do something USEFUL and HELP Éowyn out. The Lord of the NAZGÛL doesn't BOTHER about him, since he's too BUSY going after Éowyn. Éowyn KILLS the Lord of the NAZGÛL's flying STEED and this really ANNOYS him, but as he goes to TEACH Éowyn a LESSON, Merry STABS him from behind. R.I.P. Lord of the NAZGÛL. R.I.P Théoden.)

* * *

Éomer: "Éowyn? What are you doing here? I though we left you behind! Arrgh! We're all going to die!"

(R.I.P. Merry's sword. The Riders of Rohan CARRY Théoden's BODY away; the Men of Gondor are STUNNED by the sight of a wo-man and they SEND for AID because she's INJURED. More FIGHTING happens; then they see SHIPS on the Sea, and everyone thinks they are ALL going to DIE. Except for Éomer, who doesn't. He's right. It's Aragorn. Everyone is HAPPY. They SLAUGHTER the HOSTS of MORDOR and SING.)

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Tags: narked off, killing, black rider, decision, annoyance, stabbed, fighting, dead, happy, Mordor, singing

(Pippin FINDS out that he is pretty much ornamental, gets DECKED out in the ARMOUR of the Tower Guard and is given a TEMPORARY job as Denethor's esquire, but becomes WORRIED when he is TOLD that one of his DUTIES is to SING. Gandalf RESCUES Faramir from the BLACK RIDERS and everyone is HAPPY to see Faramir ALIVE. Except for Denethor, who isn't.)

Faramir: "I say, last time I was here there weren't any Hobbits in the Tower Guard."

Gandalf: "New ornament."

(Gandalf is WORRIED that Frodo went to Cirith Ungol and Denethor WHINES about Faramir being ALIVE rather than Boromir.)

Faramir: "Hey, you sent him on that mission."

Denethor: "I wish I hadn't. You're useless - at least Boromir would have bought me a nice shiny Ring."

Gandalf: "Don't be a prat."

* * *

(Everyone feels SORRY for Faramir but no-one COMPLAINS when he gets sent to the FRONT (the Fields of Pelennor). NEWS arrives that Faramir is FIGHTING a lost CAUSE because the Lord of the NAZGÛL is on a ROLL and Gandalf RIDES off to HELP Faramir. It doesn't do much GOOD and the Men of Gondor get their ARSES KICKED. Faramir is INJURED and more of the MORDOR army turns up.)

Gandalf: "There's no way the Riders of Rohan can help now. We've had it."

* * *

(The army of MORDOR catapult DEAD-HEADS into the first circle of the City; Denethor is a walking CLOUD of DEPRESSION and REFUSES to leave his SON'S room. He DECIDES to KILL himself and Faramir but Pippin shows some INITIATIVE and RUNS off to FIND Gandalf. The Enemy BUSTS through the Gate and the Lord of the NAZGÛL gloats.)

Lord of the Nazgûl: "Ha ha, I win, you lose! Tee hee!"

(Gandalf is talking TOUGH when the Riders of Rohan FINALLY arrive.)

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Tags: worried, singing, rescued, black rider, happy, alive, whining, prat, fighting, Mordor, depressed, decision

(Sam EVENTUALLY picks himself up off the FLOOR, finds another WAY into the tower and discovers a LOT of DEAD Orcs. The RING starts to POSSESS him but he RESISTS it in the followsing manner:)

Sam: "Possession? Ha! I laugh in the face of possession!"

(He uses Galadrial's PRESENT to get past the stone WATCHERS at the door. He searches some MORE, SINGS and finds Frodo BUTT naked and being WHIPPED [don't ask] by an Orc called Snaga. This decidedly NARKS Sam off. R.I.P. Snaga.)

Frodo: "Oooh, what happened?"

Sam: "Don't ask."

(Sam thus takes the opportunity of not giving Frodo a STRIAGHT ANSWER. Frodo WHINES about losing the RING. Sam CASUALLY explains that he has the RING. Frodo takes the opportunity to INSULT him, then unconvincingly BLAMES it on the RING and they DECK themselves out in Orc gear.)

Sam: "We've got to get out of here!"

Frodo: "Never mind that, we need food."

(They EAT and use Galadrial's PRESENT again. A BLACK RIDER turns up and does NOTHING.)
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Tags: dead, ring, presents, singing, don't ask, narked off, straight answer, opportunity, whining, insults, black rider, eating

(Merry is LONELY and the Wild Men OFFER to lead the Riders to Minas Tirith by the only UNOCCUPIED road left. They FIND out that the MESSENGERS they sent to Gondor are DEAD and Théoden is WORRIED that Denethor will not know they're COMING, but Éomer takes the opportunity to CONSOLE him with a PROVERB. They arrive just in TIME to see the Gate give way; Merry QUESTIONS the wisdom of coming after all, Théoden URGES his men on with a SONG and then the REST of the Riders SING as they FIGHT.)
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Tags: lonely, dead, worried, opportunity, proverbs, singing, fighting

(The Riders of Rohan reach Dunharrow and Théoden INSISTS on joining the EXPEDITION. They get NEWS of Gandalf and a BLACK RIDER and Éwoyn is still UNHAPPY about Aragorn taking the Paths of the Dead.)

Éomer: "We've had it."

(Merry is CONFUSED about why everyone is so UPSET, ASKS about the Paths of the Dead and FINALLY gets a TASTE of how it FEELS not to get a STRAIGHT ANSWER.)

* * *

(Théoden RECIEVES the Red Arrow from Gondor and TELLS the messenger (Hirgon) that it will take a WEEK for the Riders of Rohan to come Gondor's RESCUE.)

Hirgon: "We're all going to be dead by then - still you might give the Orcs and Southerners a nasty shock."

Théoden: "True, true."

* * *

(Merry is ANNOYED at the idea of being left BEHIND, falls ASLEEP and wakes up to FIND that DARKNESS has FLOWED out of MORDOR [don't ask]. Théoden ORDERS the Muster of Rohan; Merry gets some ARMOUR and the Riders of Rohan SING. Merry is ORDERED to stay with Éowyn, but a Rider (Dernhelm) has a PROVERB to SHARE and OFFERS to HIDE him under his CLOAK [don't ask] and take him to war.)

Merry: "Yippee!"

(Dernhelm's horse isn't too BOTHERED about the extra WEIGHT because Dernhelm is SMALLER than MOST. As they get CLOSER to Gondor, everyone gets DEPRESSED.)

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Tags: insistence, black rider, confusion, straight answer, annoyance, Mordor, don't ask, singing, proverbs, depressed

Pippin: "Why can't I have nice, shiny crystal ball?"

(Merry explains why, taking the OPPORTUNITY to share a PROVERB. Pippin STEALS the Palantir from Gandalf and has a NASTY experience with one of the BLACK RIDERS/NAZGÛL [don't ask].)

Gandalf: "You're a real prat, do you know that?"

* * *

Aragorn: "Oi, that Palantir is a family heirloom! Give it here!"

Gandalf: "Sure. But don't be to eager to use it!"

Aragorn: "Who? Moi?"

(Gandalf takes the OPPORTUNITY to shares a PROVERB with Aragorn; Théoden DECIDES to RIDE back to Helm's Deep with Éomer, LEAVING the majority of the Riders at Aragorn''s DISPOSAL.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Arrgh! Nazgûl/Black Riders!"

(Gandalf RIDES off with Pippin and Merry WHINES about being left BEHIND.)

Aragorn: "Idiot."

* * *

(Gandalf BRAGS about his horse (Shadowfax), SINGS and goes off on a very LONG -WINDED explanation about the Palantir. Pippin is SURPRISED to find out that they are going to Minas Tirith, not Helm's Deep, and Shadowfax SPRINGS forward with FIRE flying from his FEET [definitely don't ask].)

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Tags: opportunity, proverbs, black rider, prat, decision, leaving, whining, singing, long-winded, surprise, don't ask

Rider of Rohan: "By the way, we've become very xenophobic recently - hey, are those our horses?"

Aragorn: "Yup."

* * *

(Later, the DOORMAN (Háma) wants to take their WEAPONS; Aragorn doesn't want to give up his SWORD and Gandalf wants to keep his STAFF. Finally, Aragorn gives in and Háma takes the OPPORTUNITY to share a PROVERB. Gandalf gets to keep his STAFF. Théoden doesn't look too HOT [don't ask].)

Gandalf: "I'm back!"

Théoden: "Do I look happy to see you?"

(Wormtongue says that Théoden’s son is DEAD and that Éomer can't be TRUSTED. He and Gandalf take the OPPORTUNITY to swap PROVERBS and Gandalf SINGS.)

Gandalf: "You gonna listen to me now?"

Théoden: "Sure."

(Éowyn arrives, SAYS and DOES nothing and is QUICKLY sent away again by Gandalf. Éomer is RELEASED from prison, Théoden is FILLED IN in on recent EVENTS and LEARNS that Wormtongue is a TRAITOR. Éowyn is SMITTEN with Aragorn and Théoden can't THINK of anyone to RULE Rohan for a bit until Háma remembers and suggests Éowyn. Everyone else RIDES out towards Isengard.)

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Tags: sword, opportunity, proverbs, staff, don't ask, dead, trust, singing, learning, traitor, smitten

(The gang TRUDGE through the hills towards some MARSHES and Gollum SINGS [don't ask]. Sam is WORRIED that Gollum wants to EAT them - especially since he doesn't LIKE lembas.)

Sam: "We've only got a few supplies left - what's going to happen after we've destroyed the Ring?"

Frodo: "Who cares? We're all gonna die anyway."

* * *

(They TRUDGE through the Dead Marshes for DAYS and see a BLACK RIDER. Frodo starts to NOTICE the RING is getting very HEAVY and Gollum has an ARGUMENT with himself about whether or not to KILL Frodo and Sam.)

* * *

Gollum: "Arrgh! Black Riderss - the Dark Lord iss on to uss!"

(Everyone IGNORES him and they TRUDGE towards MORDOR some MORE.)

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Tags: trudging, singing, worried, eating, black rider, ring, argument, killing, ignoring, Mordor

Treebeard: "Freaky little creatures, aren't you?"

Pippin: "Arrgh!"

* * *

(Treebeard takes them to his HOME, they EAT and DRINK and Treebeard SINGS. Later, he tells them a very LONG-WINDED story about ENTWIVES and SINGS some more. They go to the ENTMOOT. After two DAYS the Ents decide to OVERTHROW Saruman.)

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Tags: eating, drinking, singing, long-winded, story, decision, overthrow

(They are AMBUSHED by Orcs, who KIDNAP Merry and Pippin. Aragorn HEARS the Horn of Gondor and FINDS Boromir looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask]. He promises to RESCUE Minas Tirith; Boromir DIES and Aragorn WHINES.)

Legolas: "Ooops."

(They send Boromir's BODY downstream in a BOAT and Legolas and Aragorn take turns SINGING. After some SOUL-SEARCHING they follow the Orcs and Aragorn SPRINGS forward like a DEER [definitely don't ask].)
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Tags: ambushed, kidnapping, pin-cushion, don't ask, dead, whining, boats, singing, soul-searching, deer

Celeborn: "Where's Gandalf?"

Aragorn: "He bit it in Moria."

(They LEAVE and everyone thinks Galadriel is GREAT. Except for Boromir, who doesn't. Frodo SINGS and Galadriel lets him and Sam LOOK into her MIRROR; they BOTH have VISIONS [don't ask].)

Frodo: "Can I interest you in a Ring?"

Galadriel: "Got one thanks. You can leave tomorrow."
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Tags: leaving, great, singing, mirror, visions, ring

(Aragorn feels VINDICATED, what's left of the Company RUN a lot and Legolas SINGS. They spend the NIGHT in the TREES with Elves [don't ask] and get BLIND-FOLDED next day until Galadriel SENDS word that its not NECESSARY. They TRUDGE to Lothlórien and Aragorn has a SPIRITUAL moment [don't ask].)
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Tags: vindicated, singing, tree, don't ask, unnecessary, spiritual

Frodo: "What the hell happened?"

(Everyone is UNABLE to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Next day Strider finds the BLACK RIDER'S knife and the BLADE disappears in a PUFF of SMOKE [don't ask].)

Strider: "Oooh, that's not good."

* * *

(They TRUDGE towards Rivendell, Frodo has lots of NIGHTMARES and Sam WHINES.)

* * *

Pippin: "Arrgh! Trolls!"

Strider: "Idiot:

• Family history;
• Broad daylight;
• Made of stone;
• Bird's nest behind ear."

(Sam SINGS and they TRUDGE on.)

* * *

Strider: "Glorfindel!"

(They put Frodo on Glorfindel's horse and get AMBUSHED by the BLACK RIDERS. Glorfindel's horse ESCAPES and the BLACK RIDERS are WASHED away by the RIVER. Frodo FAINTS.)

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Tags: unable, straight answer, black rider, blade, puff, smoke, don't ask, trudging, nightmares, whining, singing, ambushed, escape, washed, river, fainting

(Frodo becomes SMITTEN with Goldberry and SINGS, as does Bombadil. Everyone has NIGHTMARES. Except Sam, who doesn't. Next day it RAINS a lot. After dinner, Bombadil takes the RING but isn't AFFECTED by it. Frodo suspects DECEIT, puts the RING on and VANISHES.)

Tom Bombadil: "Frodo, don't be a prat."

(Frodo takes the RING off, grins SHEEPISHLY and then Bombadil SINGS some more.)
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Tags: smitten, singing, nightmares, raining, ring, unaffected, deceit, ring, vanishing, prat

Sam: "Oh no, another Black Rider!"

Frodo: "Never mind that, we need food."

* * *

(They TRUDGE to Crickhollow. Merry and Pippin take a LONG time telling Frodo he's STUCK with them.)

Frodo: "Thank God!"

(They SING and go to BED.)

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Tags: trudging, stuck, singing, bed

Gandalf: "I'm off, but I'll be back before you leave."

(He isn't. Mostly LONG-WINDED stuff involving EATING happens. They meet a BLACK RIDER.)

Frodo: "I don't like the look of this."

(They hide, Frodo is TEMPTED by the RING and then the BLACK RIDER leaves. More EATING and SINGING occurs.)

* * *

Sam: "Elves! Yay!"

Elves: "Oooh, Hobbits!"

Frodo: "Can we tag along with you?"

Elves: "Nope."

Frodo: "But we're being chased by Black Riders."

Gildor: "Oh all right. Come on then."

(They EAT, make MERRY [don't ask] and the Elves refuse to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Then they fall asleep and the Elves scarper.)

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Tags: long-winded, eating, black rider, temptation, ring, singing, don't ask, straight answer