Book V, Chapter 5: A Walking Cloud
Faramir: "I say, last time I was here there weren't any Hobbits in the Tower Guard."
Gandalf: "New ornament."
(Gandalf is WORRIED that Frodo went to Cirith Ungol and Denethor WHINES about Faramir being ALIVE rather than Boromir.)
Faramir: "Hey, you sent him on that mission."
Denethor: "I wish I hadn't. You're useless - at least Boromir would have bought me a nice shiny Ring."
Gandalf: "Don't be a prat."
* * *
(Everyone feels
SORRY for Faramir but no-one COMPLAINS when he
gets sent to the FRONT (the Fields of Pelennor).
NEWS arrives that Faramir is FIGHTING a lost
CAUSE because the Lord of the NAZGÛL is on a ROLL
and Gandalf RIDES off to HELP Faramir. It doesn't
do much GOOD and the Men of Gondor get their
ARSES KICKED. Faramir is INJURED and more of the
MORDOR army turns up.)
Gandalf: "There's no way the
Riders of Rohan can help now. We've had it."
* * *
(The army of MORDOR catapult DEAD-HEADS into
the first circle of the City; Denethor is a
walking CLOUD of DEPRESSION and REFUSES to leave
his SON'S room. He DECIDES to KILL himself and
Faramir but Pippin shows some INITIATIVE and RUNS
off to FIND Gandalf. The Enemy BUSTS through the
Gate and the Lord of the NAZGÛL gloats.)
Lord of the Nazgûl: "Ha ha, I
win, you lose! Tee hee!"
(Gandalf is talking TOUGH when the Riders of
Rohan FINALLY arrive.)
Book III, Chapter 7: Seriously Kill Me Some Orc
Aragorn: "Arrgh!"
(They are losing SPECTACULARLY and everyone RETREATS.)
* * *
Théoden: "Right, that's it! No
more Mr. Nice King! At dawn I'm gonna seriously
kill me some Orc! You want in?"
Aragorn: "Yup."
* * *
(Aragorn goes
OUTSIDE to have a quick GANDER at the
opposition.)
Orcs: "We are the fighting
Uruk-hai!" [Repeat many times for full effect.]
(Aragorn WARNS them that they are all going
to DIE, acts very KINGLY and everyone is
IMPRESSED. Except the Uruk-hai, who aren't. Then
the Riders sound HELM'S HORN and charge, the Orcs
are WORRIED and run away. Gandalf turns up with
Erkenbrand and finishes off Saruman's ARMY.)