Appendix F-II: On Translation

Tolkien: "I've made up loads of 'connections' between modern languages and those I made up in The Lord of the Rings and how to 'translate' them into English. You don't actually need this stuff, but as you should know by now it's what I really wanted to write about in the first place and that's what you're getting."
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Appendix F-I: The Languages and Peoples of the Third-Age

Tolkien: "Just about everyone speaks the same language i.e. the Common Speech (Westron). But I made up more just for fun."

Of the Elves

(There are TWO types of Elven language:

  • High-elven - insanely FANCY, not used MUCH.
  • Grey-elven - just FANCY, used a LOT.)

Of Men

(The Common Speech is basically MAN-MADE but different races have their OWN languages:

  • Númenoreans - spoke Grey-elven, Adûnaic and CREATED 'Westron'.
  • Northeners - not too SURE; Common Speech.
  • Rohirrim - not too SURE; Common Speech.
  • Wild Men - not too SURE; it's GUTTURAL, whatever it is.)

Of Hobbits

(They just PLAGIARIZE other people's languages. CURRENTLY they use the Common Speech.)

Of Other Races


  • Ents - not too SURE, but it's LONG-WINDED and UNPRONOUNCEABLE.
  • Orcs - not too SURE; it's PLAGIARIZED, whatever it is; they also use the Common speech.
  • The Black Speech - not too SURE, but we reckon Sauron MADE it UP.
  • Trolls - not too SURE; PLAGIARIZED from Orcs, the Black Speech and the Common Speech.
  • Dwarves - not too SURE, whatever it is; even THEY don't speak it [don't ask].)
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Appendix E-II-i: The Fëanorian Letters

The Tengwar

(An INDECIPHERABLE and POMPOUS table of squiggles.)


Tolkien: "Here are even more grammatical rules - isn't this stuff fascinating? I made it all up, you know."

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Appendix E-II: Writing

Tolkien: "Tengwar - fancy letters for writing, mostly used by Elves. Cirth - crude runes for scratching, mostly used by Dwarves."
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Appendix E-I: Pronunciation of Words and Names

Tolkien: "This is unnecessary information as well but I've written pages of it. I didn't really want to write this novel anyway, I wanted to write about Elvish languages, so here it comes."


(An INCONCEIVABLE and CONVOLUTED list of how to PRONOUNCE consonants.)


Tolkien: "Add a 'y' to English vowels and you're all set. There are a lot of diphthongs and a couple of other grammatical rules I've made up."


Tolkien: "It all depends on the number of syllables."


Tolkien: "This list does not work for Dwarvish, Orkish, the Black Speech and the speech of Rohan. Anybody except Elves, really."

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Appendix D: Shire Calendar


  • (An UNFATHOMABLE and DIDACTIC list of months and days.)

  • The Calendars

  • (The Elves, Dúnedain and Hobbits all have their own CALENDARS. In a similar FASHION to their CREATORS, they are all very LONG-WINDED and INBRED. The only one of any IMPORTANCE is the Shire's.)

  • Tolkien: "All this stuff is pretty irrelevant since in the novel I used normal names, dates, etc for all the thickies."
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Appendix A-III: Durin's Folk

(Dwaves like CAVES and PRECIOUS metals. They also have a HABIT of ANNOYING large flying MONSTERS. Sauron is decidedly NARKED because he cannot CORRUPT them easily. Moria, their most IMPRESSIVE kingdom, is over-run by Orcs, so they all get into a BIG FIGHT and remove LOTS of each other's HEADS. Dwarf-women are in short SUPPLY and are not very ADVENTUROUS [don't ask].)

Tolkien: "If you want to know more about Dwarves and Dragons, read The Hobbit."

Gandalf: "If it weren't for me forcing Bilbo on the Dwarves, we'd have been screwed in Gondor. Who's your Daddy?"

(Gimli is the only Dwarf to really GET ON with an Elf (Legolas), when Aragorn DIES they SAIL to Valinor. Gimli only GETS IN because of Galadrial [don't ask].)

The Line of the Dwarves of Erebor as it was invented by Gimli, Glóin's son for King Elessar [that's Aragorn]

(A family-tree of UNWIELDY and INTERCHANGEABLE names and dates.)

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Appendix A-I-i: Númenor

(Feanor (Eldar [= Elf]) MAKES three Silmarilli; they are like LIGHT-BULBS. Morgoth KIDNAPS them and HIDES them in his FORTRESS on Middle-earth. Feanor and the Eldar try to RESCUE them; they meet the Edain (Men) and become best BUDDIES. They lose to Morgoth SPECTACULARLY.

Six of the Eldar and the Edain get HITCHED over the years:
  • Lúthien Tinúviel and Beren
  • Idril and Tuor
  • Arwen and Aragorn.
They all become very interbred but it breaks down like this:
  • Lúthien (Eldar [= Elf]) and Beren (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Dior and a DAUGHTER, Elwing.
  • Idril (Eldar [= Elf]) and Tuor (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Eärendil.
  • Eärendil gets HITCHED to Elwing and OVERTHROWS Morgoth. They have two SONS, Elros and Elrond.)
Tolkien (aside): "If you really want to know what happens to the Silmarilli, read The Silmarillion."

(The Edain get their own PAD called Númenor; they live for a LONG time, but want MORE. Some KING or other with an UNPRONOUNCEABLE name tries to DEFEAT Sauron, who PLAYS up to the KING'S ego and turns the Númenoreans EVIL. R.I.P. Númenor. Elendil and his SONS, Isildur and Anárion, are really the only ones of IMPORTANCE in later Númenorean HISTORY. They LAND on Middle-earth and set up Arnor and Gondor. Elendil RULES the North, while his SONS RULE the South: they build a few CITIES bordering MORDOR and BELIEVE Sauron has SNUFFED it. They are WRONG. In the following war, the Last Alliance KICKS Sauron's ARSE and Isidur takes the One RING. R.I.P. the Second Age.)
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Appendix A-I: Annals of the Kings and Rulers

Tolkien: "Most of this information came from the prologue and is only provided for background. Everything refers to the Third Age unless otherwise stated. The Third Age ended September 3021 in the Shire but in Gondor it ended in March. Explanations for this difference is given in the novel, so read it. Mostly people bought it in battle etc."
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Book II, Chapter 8: Bosom Buddies

(Celeborn gives them BOATS and Boromir starts to be AFFECTED by the RING. Galadriel and Celeborn INVITE them to DINNER; they all get a BUNCH of other PRESENTS and LEAVE.)

Tolkien (aside): "By the way, Gimli and Legolas have become bosom buddies."
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