narked off

Appendix A-III: Durin's Folk

(Dwaves like CAVES and PRECIOUS metals. They also have a HABIT of ANNOYING large flying MONSTERS. Sauron is decidedly NARKED because he cannot CORRUPT them easily. Moria, their most IMPRESSIVE kingdom, is over-run by Orcs, so they all get into a BIG FIGHT and remove LOTS of each other's HEADS. Dwarf-women are in short SUPPLY and are not very ADVENTUROUS [don't ask].)

Tolkien: "If you want to know more about Dwarves and Dragons, read The Hobbit."

Gandalf: "If it weren't for me forcing Bilbo on the Dwarves, we'd have been screwed in Gondor. Who's your Daddy?"

(Gimli is the only Dwarf to really GET ON with an Elf (Legolas), when Aragorn DIES they SAIL to Valinor. Gimli only GETS IN because of Galadrial [don't ask].)


The Line of the Dwarves of Erebor as it was invented by Gimli, Glóin's son for King Elessar [that's Aragorn]

(A family-tree of UNWIELDY and INTERCHANGEABLE names and dates.)

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Book V, Chapter 6: His Flying Steed

(The Lord of the NAZGÛL scarpers, theorising that DISCRETION is the better part of VALOUR. Théoden gets decidedly NARKED off at seeing the Southeners and goes on a KILLING SPREE. Théoden's horse is HIT by an arrow and the Lord of the NAZGÛL and his flying STEED turn up.)

Dernhelm: "Geroff!"

Lord of the Nazgûl: "You can't frighten me! No man can! Ha Ha!"

Dernhelm: "But I am not a man - I am a wo-man!"

(It's Éowyn. The Lord of the NAZGÛL considers this BRIEFLY, while Merry DECIDES to actually do something USEFUL and HELP Éowyn out. The Lord of the NAZGÛL doesn't BOTHER about him, since he's too BUSY going after Éowyn. Éowyn KILLS the Lord of the NAZGÛL's flying STEED and this really ANNOYS him, but as he goes to TEACH Éowyn a LESSON, Merry STABS him from behind. R.I.P. Lord of the NAZGÛL. R.I.P Théoden.)

* * *


Éomer: "Éowyn? What are you doing here? I though we left you behind! Arrgh! We're all going to die!"

(R.I.P. Merry's sword. The Riders of Rohan CARRY Théoden's BODY away; the Men of Gondor are STUNNED by the sight of a wo-man and they SEND for AID because she's INJURED. More FIGHTING happens; then they see SHIPS on the Sea, and everyone thinks they are ALL going to DIE. Except for Éomer, who doesn't. He's right. It's Aragorn. Everyone is HAPPY. They SLAUGHTER the HOSTS of MORDOR and SING.)

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Book IV, Chapter 1: Naked And Being Whipped

(Sam EVENTUALLY picks himself up off the FLOOR, finds another WAY into the tower and discovers a LOT of DEAD Orcs. The RING starts to POSSESS him but he RESISTS it in the followsing manner:)

Sam: "Possession? Ha! I laugh in the face of possession!"

(He uses Galadrial's PRESENT to get past the stone WATCHERS at the door. He searches some MORE, SINGS and finds Frodo BUTT naked and being WHIPPED [don't ask] by an Orc called Snaga. This decidedly NARKS Sam off. R.I.P. Snaga.)

Frodo: "Oooh, what happened?"

Sam: "Don't ask."

(Sam thus takes the opportunity of not giving Frodo a STRIAGHT ANSWER. Frodo WHINES about losing the RING. Sam CASUALLY explains that he has the RING. Frodo takes the opportunity to INSULT him, then unconvincingly BLAMES it on the RING and they DECK themselves out in Orc gear.)

Sam: "We've got to get out of here!"

Frodo: "Never mind that, we need food."

(They EAT and use Galadrial's PRESENT again. A BLACK RIDER turns up and does NOTHING.)
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Book III, Chapter 10: Narks Saruman Off

Gandalf: "Right, time to talk to Saruman - at great personal risk, I might add."

(Everyone DECIDES to go with him and he TELLS them not to LISTEN to Saruman's VOICE.)

Gandalf: "I must go upstairs - at great personal risk, I might add."

(Théoden SAYS he's COMING too and also VOLUNTEERS Éomer. Not to be outdone, Gandalf VOLUNTEERS Aragorn as well. Eventually, everyone GOES along.)

Saruman: "Oh Théoden, why hast thou foresaken me? We could still be friends, ya know?"

Gimli: "Arrgh! Lies, all lies!"

Saruman: "Dwarves are better seen and not heard. Théoden, we could still be friends, ya know?"

Éomer: "Arrgh! Lies, all lies!"

(Saruman TRIES to BEWITCH everyone, but is MOCKED by Gandalf and gets very ANGRY. Gandalf SNAPS Saruman's STAFF; Wormtongue THROWS a crystal ball-shaped Palantir out the WINDOW, which decidedly NARKS Saruman OFF, and Treebeard AGREES to keep and EYE on Saruman.)
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