Frodo: "Right. I've had enough. I'm off."

Aragorn: "Whatever. Come back and visit."

Arwen: "Please note that this is my first sentence in this story. In case your psychological scarring starts to screw your head, you can stand in for me when my ship leaves for Valinor. I won't be needing it. I'm staying here with hubby."

* * *

(Gimli and Éomer ARGUE over who's prettier: Arwen or Galadrial. Gimli GENEROUSLY allows Éomer to form his own OPINION. They get to Rohan and Éowyn and Faramir are officially ENGAGED to be HITCHED.)

Éomer: "Politically advantageous marriages - they're marvellous!"

* * *

(They all TRUDGE to Isengard, where it turns OUT that Treebeard is a bit of a SAP and has let Saruman go. They say 'bye to Aragorn. The Hobbits, Gandalf and the Elves HEAD off to the SHIRE. Along the WAY meet Saruman and his trusty sidekick Wormtongue and proceed to PATRONISE them.)

Saruman: "Isn't it enough that you've ruined me?"

Gandalf: "No."

* * *

(Galadriel and the Elves leave, while the Hobbits and Gandalf go to Rivendell.)

Bilbo: "129! Cool, huh?"

(They HANG around for a couple of WEEKS; Bilbo gives Frodo some POETRY, Sam some money and tells Merry and Pippin not to BRAG too much. Bilbo SINGS and Frodo PROMISES to come back and visit.)

Gandalf: "Don't bother. I'll drag him along to the Shire at some point. About this time of year. At some point."

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Tags: argument, marriage, trudging, leaving, poetry, singing

Frodo: "What the...?"

Gandalf: "Chill out, we're in Rivendell."

Frodo: "Where did you get to?"

Gandalf: "I'll tell you later."

(He TELLS Frodo EVERYTHING anyway.)

Frodo: "So the Black Riders are all gone?"

Gandalf: "That kinda depends on your definition of 'gone'."

* * *

(Later Frodo gets UP, meets the OTHERS and goes to a FEAST. Arwen SAYS and DOES nothing; Frodo CHATS with Glóin and SEES Bilbo.)

* * *

Bilbo: "The Dúnedain! I didn't see you loitering around Arwen earlier."

Strider: "I had better things to do."

(Bilbo RECITES a very LONG poem and everyone goes to BED.)

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Tags: eating, chatting, poetry, bed

(The BLACK RIDERS attack the WRONG room. Then the gang LEAVE Bree. Sam recites POETRY and Strider BERATES them for mentioning MORDOR. A lot.)

* * *

Strider: "Snazzy, Weathertop!"

Merry: "This place is dingy."

* * *

Strider: "Arrgh! The Enemy! Let's light a fire."

Sam: "Won't that give us away?"

(Everyone IGNORES him. Strider tells a very long STORY about an Elf-woman.)

* * *

Merry: "Eek! Shapes!"

(The BLACK RIDERS attack, Frodo puts the RING on and gets STABBED. Strider CHASES them off with FIRE. Frodo FAINTS.)

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Tags: black rider, wrong, leaving, poetry, berate, Mordor, ignoring, story, ring, stabbed, chasing, fire, fainting