Appendix B: The Tale of Years (Chronology of the Westlands)

(Summary of the Ages:
  • First Age - big battle, Morgoth OVERTHROWN.
  • Second Age - big battle, Sauron OVERTHROWN.
  • Third Age - big battle, Sauron overthrown AGAIN.)

The First Age

Tolkien: "No comment."

The Second Age

(GOOD for the Númenoreans, BAD for the Men of Middle-earth; Elves RULE.)

* * *

(An UNSPARING and UNFETTERED list of events and dates.)

The Third Age

(BAD for everybody. WIZARDS show up.)

* * *

(An UNRELENTING and MULTIFARIOUS list of events and dates.)

The Chief Days From the Fall of Barad-dûr to the end of the Third Age

(An UNNECESSARY and OVERTLY-PEDANTIC list of events and dates.)

Later Events Concerning the Members of the Fellowship of the Ring

(An EXPENDABLE and IMPLAUSIBLE list of events and dates.)

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Book III, Chapter 7: Seriously Kill Me Some Orc

(There is a CHANGE in the original PLAN and everyone rides to HELM'S DEEP. There is a BATTLE; Gimli RESCUES Éomer from CERTAIN death and he and Legolas start COMPETING for most KILLS. The Orcs BLAST a hole in the wall.)

Aragorn: "Arrgh!"

(They are losing SPECTACULARLY and everyone RETREATS.)

* * *

Théoden: "Right, that's it! No more Mr. Nice King! At dawn I'm gonna seriously kill me some Orc! You want in?"

Aragorn: "Yup."

* * *

(Aragorn goes OUTSIDE to have a quick GANDER at the opposition.)

Orcs: "We are the fighting Uruk-hai!" [Repeat many times for full effect.]

(Aragorn WARNS them that they are all going to DIE, acts very KINGLY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except the Uruk-hai, who aren't. Then the Riders sound HELM'S HORN and charge, the Orcs are WORRIED and run away. Gandalf turns up with Erkenbrand and finishes off Saruman's ARMY.)

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