(Aragorn's FATHER, Arathorn, dies YOUNG(ISH) so his MOTHER, Gilraen, MOVES IN with Elrond. Who LOVES Aragorn like a SON, calls him Estel but doesn't TELL him that he is rightful King of Gondor. Elrond TELLS him all this when he is TWENTY and has been on a WORLD TOUR with Elrond's SONS.)

Elrond: "Have this ring and the Shards of Narsil. You're going to live for a long time, unless you get killed sooner. You can't have the Sceptre of Annuminas yet because you're not old enough."

* * *

(The next DAY, Aragorn goes for a WALK, SINGS and thinks he's seen a LEGENDARY Elf-maiden - but actually it's only Elrond's DAUGHTER, Arwen.)

Aragorn: "Daughter, huh? Where's he been keeping you?"

Arwen: "Lothlórien."

(Aragorn is PUT OUT that she's OLDER than him, but FALLS in LOVE anyway.)

* * *

Gilraen: "Stop pinning for Arwen - you haven't got a hope."

Aragorn: "It's not fair!"

Elrond: "Aragorn, give it up. Not only are you going to be in big trouble when you get older, but Arwen is too good for you and she knows it. Anyway, I'm leaving Middle-earth soon and she's coming with me."

Aragorn: "Damn."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES into the wild, FIGHTS Sauron, MEETS Gandalf and becomes UGLY [don't ask]. Eventually, he goes to Lothlórien and gets DRESSED up; Arwen is SMITTEN and BINDS herself [not literally] to him, resolving to get HITCHED at some point in the DISTANT future. Elrond FINDS out and is very ANNOYED.)

Elrond: "No way - not unless you're King of Gondor and Arnor."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES off once more and his MOTHER dies. The War of the RING occurs, Aragorn WINS the Battle of the Fields of Pelennor and becomes KING of Gondor and Arnor. When the RING is DESTROYED Elrond LEAVES and Arwen hangs around as QUEEN of Gondor for 60 YEARS. Aragorn eventually KICKS it, after handing Gondor and Arnor over to his SON, Eldarion. Arwen GRIEVES, goes to Lothlórien for the WINTER but no-one's HOME, so she DIES.)

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Tags: king, singing, trudging, fighting, don't ask, smitten, marriage, annoyance, ring, leaving, dead

(Frodo and Sam TRUDGE towards MOUNT DOOM. Then they TRUDGE some more. Sam ARGUES with himself because no-one else will LISTEN, realises they actually are going to DIE and gives Frodo a PIGGY-BACK ride up the volcano. Gollum ATTACKS them, Frodo reaches the CRACKS OF DOOM and Sauron starts to get a BAD feeling.)

Sauron: "Right under my flaming nose!"

(Frodo is POSSESSED by the RING and, putting it on, is UNABLE to shake it off [sic].)

Frodo: "Actually, thinking about it, maybe I won't melt nice shiny Ring...."

(Then Gollum turns up and unwittingly SAVES the day by BITING off Frodo's FINGER. He JUMPS for JOY, trips, and PLUNGES to a FIERY death in the FIRES below. The RING accompanies him. R.I.P. Gollum. R.I.P. Frodo's finger. R.I.P. The RING.)

Sam: "Ouch, that's got to hurt."

Frodo: "Whatever. Time to die."

(Sam is oddly HAPPY about their IMPENDING deaths.)
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Tags: trudging, argument, dead, attack, ring, unable, fires, happy

(They ESCAPE Cirith Ungol, OBSESS about water and Frodo notices the RING is very, very, very HEAVY. They figure out that the War isn't going so well for Sauron, but are WORRIED when they see a HUGE army of Orcs and Men in the DISTANCE.)

Sam: "We're screwed."

Frodo: "Whatever."

(They listen to an ARGUMENT between two orcs and LEARN the Gollum is HANGING around. They TRUDGE along, get MISTAKEN for orcs and are forced to MARCH to Udûn. It's all looking pretty GRIM for the Hobbits but LOTS of Orc companies RUN into each other and so they ESCAPE in the CONFUSION. Frodo FAINTS.)
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Tags: escape, obsession, ring, worried, argument, learning, trudging, confusion, fainting

(Sam EVENTUALLY picks himself up off the FLOOR, finds another WAY into the tower and discovers a LOT of DEAD Orcs. The RING starts to POSSESS him but he RESISTS it in the followsing manner:)

Sam: "Possession? Ha! I laugh in the face of possession!"

(He uses Galadrial's PRESENT to get past the stone WATCHERS at the door. He searches some MORE, SINGS and finds Frodo BUTT naked and being WHIPPED [don't ask] by an Orc called Snaga. This decidedly NARKS Sam off. R.I.P. Snaga.)

Frodo: "Oooh, what happened?"

Sam: "Don't ask."

(Sam thus takes the opportunity of not giving Frodo a STRIAGHT ANSWER. Frodo WHINES about losing the RING. Sam CASUALLY explains that he has the RING. Frodo takes the opportunity to INSULT him, then unconvincingly BLAMES it on the RING and they DECK themselves out in Orc gear.)

Sam: "We've got to get out of here!"

Frodo: "Never mind that, we need food."

(They EAT and use Galadrial's PRESENT again. A BLACK RIDER turns up and does NOTHING.)
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Tags: dead, ring, presents, singing, don't ask, narked off, straight answer, opportunity, whining, insults, black rider, eating

(Frodo isn't looking too HOT; Sam ATTACKS the spider (Shelob) and STABS it (her) in the STOMACH. It (she) runs OFF. Finally, it DAWNS on Sam that Frodo is DEAD.)

Sam: "Ooops. Now what?"

(Sam DECIDES to take the RING, Sting and Galadrial's PRESENT and carry on. He doesn't get very FAR and puts on the RING to ESCAPE the Orcs patrolling the area.)

Orcs: "A body! And a really gooey mess!"

Shagrat: "Strip him and send word to Lugburz." (a.k.a. Barad-Dûr, a.k.a. Sauron's Place)

Gorbag: "What's the point? He's kicked it."

Shagrat: "You're a real prat, you know that? He's not dead."

Sam: "Uh-oh..."

(The Orcs put Frodo in the TOP of the TOWER and Sam RENDERS himself unconscious by jumping WILDLY at the door [please don't ask].)
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Tags: attack, stabbed, dead, decision, ring, presents, escape, don't ask

(They reach Cirith Ungol; Frodo NOTICES the RING is very, very HEAVY, and it starts to POSSESS him. Luckily, he RESISTS and everyone gets FREAKED OUT by the massive army led by the LORD OF THE NAZGÛL.)

Frodo: "Oh, that's all I needed - wonderful. We're all going to die."

* * *

(They CLIMB a Straight Stair and a Winding Stair, Frodo and Sam have a POST-MODERNIST moment and QUESTION Gollum's MOTIVES.)

* * *

Frodo: "So, this is were you get off, Smeagol. See you round."

Gollum: "You sstill need me to lead you through the tunnel, tee hee! Come on!"

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Tags: ring, freaked out, black rider

(Frodo TELLS Faramir he's not hiding anything, but Faramir doesn't BELIEVE him and asks QUESTIONS about why he's hanging around Mordor. Drawing on past EXPERIENCE, Frodo refuses to give Faramir a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Instead, he TALKS about Aragorn and his SWORD and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Faramir, who isn't. Eventually, Frodo TELLS him a strategically ABRIDGED version of events and LEARNS that Boromir and Faramir were brothers. Then they TRUDGE to some CAVES for DINNER.)

* * *

(After DINNER and a quick LESSON in TABLE MANNERS, Frodo TELLS Faramir about his Boromir's part in the Company.)

Frodo: "Yeah, Boromir was a great bloke - liked a good skirmish."

Faramir: "Indeed! He was the most valiant of our people. There was no-one braver or more honourable."

Sam: "Yup. Except for that time when he tried to steal the One Ring from Frodo."

Frodo: "Sam, you're a prat."

Faramir: "The One Ring! Well, what a piece of luck! Never fear, though, I'm not much into the Dark Lord's jewellery - I don't want it. What are you going to do with it?"

Frodo: "Melt it."

(Frodo FAINTS, Faramir TUCKS him into BED and Sam SAYS that Faramir REMINDS him of a WIZARD [don't ask].)

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Tags: straight answer, impressed, sword, learning, trudging, eating, ring, prat, fainting, bed

(Pippin and Gandalf RIDE very fast towards Minas Tirith and Gandalf SENDS Pippin to SLEEP with a very LONG-WINDED story about the CUSTOMS of Gondor. They MEET some soliders and Gandalf TELLS them not to bother REBUILDING the wall of Pelennor.)

Ingold: "But it'll be finished in a minute! What about the Riders of Rohan - are they going to grace us with their presence or not?"

Gandalf: "Thanks to me they are - if I hadn't rescued them from certain death, then you'd be screwed right now. I'm going - and no nodding off, you hear?"

* * *

(They REACH Minas Tirith; Pippin is AWED by the city, NO-ONE thinks that SEEING Gandalf is a GOOD thing and Gandalf TELLS Pippin not to mention ANYTHING about the RING to Denethor (The Steward of Gondor). And to keep quiet about Aragorn, because he knows that EVERYONE will be IMPRESSED. Except for Denethor, who won't be.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Hi, Denethor, how's it going?"

Denethor: "Terrible. Where's the person who saw Boromir die? Oh I wish I'd sent Faramir instead!"

(Pippin offers Denethor his SWORD as PAYMENT for Boromir's death.)

Denethor: "Wow! You may be short but you've some got manners - even if you have got a wierd accent! I like you, little man!"

(EGGED on by Gandalf, Pippin swears LOYALTY to Gondor, becomes a soldier, and TELLS Denethor about Boromir's death.)

Denethor: "I rule Gondor! Unless the King turns up, that is."

Gandalf: "Just in case he does, you'd better make sure that there's some kingdom left, eh?"

* * *

(Pippin meets Beregond (a GUARD) who TELLS him some PASSWORDS and about the CUSTOMS of Gondor.)

Beregond: "Wow! You've got some manners - even if you have got a wierd accent!"

* * *

(They visit Shadowfax and Pippin gets treated like a PRINCE. Beregond TELLS Pippin to FIND his son (Bergil) and WATCH the Gate closing. A lot of allies ARRIVE but not as many as HOPED for.)

Gandalf: "We're all going to die."

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Tags: long-winded, ring, impressed, sword, loyalty

(The gang TRUDGE through the hills towards some MARSHES and Gollum SINGS [don't ask]. Sam is WORRIED that Gollum wants to EAT them - especially since he doesn't LIKE lembas.)

Sam: "We've only got a few supplies left - what's going to happen after we've destroyed the Ring?"

Frodo: "Who cares? We're all gonna die anyway."

* * *

(They TRUDGE through the Dead Marshes for DAYS and see a BLACK RIDER. Frodo starts to NOTICE the RING is getting very HEAVY and Gollum has an ARGUMENT with himself about whether or not to KILL Frodo and Sam.)

* * *

Gollum: "Arrgh! Black Riderss - the Dark Lord iss on to uss!"

(Everyone IGNORES him and they TRUDGE towards MORDOR some MORE.)

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Tags: trudging, singing, worried, eating, black rider, ring, argument, killing, ignoring, Mordor

Aragorn: "Okay, I've got no idea what to do now. Frodo, I'm passing the buck."

Frodo: "I haven't got a clue either. I'm off to think."

* * *

(Boromir finds Frodo in the WOODS, loses it TOTALLY, tries to take the RING and Frodo RUNS away. He NEARLY lets Sauron DISCOVER him, before HEADING for the BOATS.)

* * *

Aragorn: "Have you been annoying Frodo, Boromir?"

Boromir: "That and shouting. He put the Ring on and scarpered."

Aragorn: "Idiot."

* * *

(Everyone goes LOOKING for Frodo. SHOCKINGLY, Sam is the ONLY one who checks the BOATS. He nearly DROWNS, then Frodo and he head out towards MORDOR.)

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Tags: losing it, ring, discovered, boats, shock, drowning

(Celeborn gives them BOATS and Boromir starts to be AFFECTED by the RING. Galadriel and Celeborn INVITE them to DINNER; they all get a BUNCH of other PRESENTS and LEAVE.)

Tolkien (aside): "By the way, Gimli and Legolas have become bosom buddies."
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Tags: boats, affected, ring, invitation, eating, bunch, presents, leaving, Tolkien

Celeborn: "Where's Gandalf?"

Aragorn: "He bit it in Moria."

(They LEAVE and everyone thinks Galadriel is GREAT. Except for Boromir, who doesn't. Frodo SINGS and Galadriel lets him and Sam LOOK into her MIRROR; they BOTH have VISIONS [don't ask].)

Frodo: "Can I interest you in a Ring?"

Galadriel: "Got one thanks. You can leave tomorrow."
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Tags: leaving, great, singing, mirror, visions, ring

(Elrond FORMS the Company of the RING; Aragorn SAYS he's COMING too and Frodo is overly EXCITED by the NEWS [don't ask].)

Aragorn: "Boromir's also coming. He's cool."

(Merry and Pippin also TAG along. Aragorn gets a nice new SWORD; Frodo gets STING and a MITHRIL shirt. Before they LEAVE Rivendell, Elrond and Gimli take the OPPORTUNITY to swap PROVERBS. On the way, they use a lot of DWARVEN place names and Aragorn gets PARANOID. Eventually, they TRUDGE up a large MOUNTAIN and get STUCK in a snowstorm, which gives Legolas the chance to SHOW-OFF. He takes full ADVANTAGE and then RUBS it in. The Company TRUDGE back down the MOUNTAIN.)
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Tags: formation, ring, excited, don't ask, tag, sword, leaving, opportunity, proverbs, paranoia, trudging, showing-off, stuck

(The Council of Elrond is CALLED. The only NEW people of LONG-STANDING importance are:

• Gimli (DWARF)
• Legolas (ELF)
• Boromir (HUMAN)

Frodo LEARNS that Elrond is very OLD, that Isildur was a PRAT and Strider is a KING. Called Aragorn.)

* * *

Strider / Aragorn: "So, you want me to come and rule Gondor?"

Boromir: "We'd rather just have your sword."

Aragorn / Strider: "Tough."

* * *

(There is more DISCUSSION and Gandalf SPEAKS the language of MORDOR, much to everyone's ANNOYANCE. Frodo also LEARNS that the Elves of Mirkwood are USELESS.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Saruman is evil; he kidnapped me but I was rescued by an Eagle."

(Boromir wants to use the RING but is told "No!". NO-ONE wants to go to MORDOR; Frodo VOLUNTEERS and the rest of the COUNCIL heave a sigh of RELIEF. Sam INSISTS on GOING and Elrond makes a SARCASTIC comment. Sam GRUMBLES.)

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Tags: old, prat, king, discussion, speech, annoyance, learning, useless, ring, Mordor, relief, insistence, sarcasm, grumbling

(The BLACK RIDERS attack the WRONG room. Then the gang LEAVE Bree. Sam recites POETRY and Strider BERATES them for mentioning MORDOR. A lot.)

* * *

Strider: "Snazzy, Weathertop!"

Merry: "This place is dingy."

* * *

Strider: "Arrgh! The Enemy! Let's light a fire."

Sam: "Won't that give us away?"

(Everyone IGNORES him. Strider tells a very long STORY about an Elf-woman.)

* * *

Merry: "Eek! Shapes!"

(The BLACK RIDERS attack, Frodo puts the RING on and gets STABBED. Strider CHASES them off with FIRE. Frodo FAINTS.)

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Tags: black rider, wrong, leaving, poetry, berate, Mordor, ignoring, story, ring, stabbed, chasing, fire, fainting

Frodo: "Who's the dude in the corner?"

Innkeeper (Butterbur): "He's a Ranger called Strider."

Strider: "Your friends are idiots; how about being discrete?"

(Frodo puts the RING on instead.)

Strider: "You're an idiot too; how about being discrete?"

Butterbur: "What was the vanishing act about?"

Frodo: "Nothing much."

Butterbur: "Fine. Oh, I just remembered - I have to tell you something."

Frodo: "Wonderful."
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Tags: ring, vanishing

(Frodo becomes SMITTEN with Goldberry and SINGS, as does Bombadil. Everyone has NIGHTMARES. Except Sam, who doesn't. Next day it RAINS a lot. After dinner, Bombadil takes the RING but isn't AFFECTED by it. Frodo suspects DECEIT, puts the RING on and VANISHES.)

Tom Bombadil: "Frodo, don't be a prat."

(Frodo takes the RING off, grins SHEEPISHLY and then Bombadil SINGS some more.)
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Tags: smitten, singing, nightmares, raining, ring, unaffected, deceit, ring, vanishing, prat

(Frodo becomes SMITTEN with Goldberry and SINGS, as does Bombadil. Everyone has NIGHTMARES. Except Sam, who doesn't. Next day it RAINS a lot. After dinner, Bombadil takes the RING but isn't AFFECTED by it. Frodo suspects DECEIT, puts the RING on and VANISHES.)

Tom Bombadil: "Frodo, don't be a prat."

(Frodo takes the RING off, grins SHEEPISHLY and then Bombadil SINGS some more.)
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Tags: smitten, singing, nightmares, raining, ring, unaffected, deceit, ring, vanishing, prat

Gandalf: "I'm off, but I'll be back before you leave."

(He isn't. Mostly LONG-WINDED stuff involving EATING happens. They meet a BLACK RIDER.)

Frodo: "I don't like the look of this."

(They hide, Frodo is TEMPTED by the RING and then the BLACK RIDER leaves. More EATING and SINGING occurs.)

* * *

Sam: "Elves! Yay!"

Elves: "Oooh, Hobbits!"

Frodo: "Can we tag along with you?"

Elves: "Nope."

Frodo: "But we're being chased by Black Riders."

Gildor: "Oh all right. Come on then."

(They EAT, make MERRY [don't ask] and the Elves refuse to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Then they fall asleep and the Elves scarper.)

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Tags: long-winded, eating, black rider, temptation, ring, singing, don't ask, straight answer

Frodo: "So, what's the deal with my ring?"

Gandalf: "It's a Great Elven ring - it may possess you."

Frodo: "Oh."

Gandalf: "And it could turn you into a compulsive liar."

(Gandalf takes the RING from Frodo and throws it in the FIRE; LETTERS appear on it.)

Gandalf: "This is the One Ring and it is very evil."

Frodo: "How come I get it?"

(Gandalf goes off on a long EXPLANATION about the HISTORY of the RING and Sauron, the Dark Lord of MORDOR, but never gives Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER.)

Gandalf: "Here's the problem though: Sauron knows about it and he's gonna get you."

(Frodo WHINES a lot and then decides to LEAVE the Shire.)

Gandalf: "That's a good idea. I'm surprised you thought of it. Call yourself "Mr. Underhill" and take Sam with you."

Sam: "Yippee!"
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Tags: ring, fire, letters, explanation, history, Mordor, straight answer, whining, leaving

Hobbits: "That Bilbo Baggins is a freak; we only put up with him 'cuz he's rich."

* * *

Gandalf: "Nice garden."

Bilbo: "Thanks. First I'm gonna have a party and then I'm outta here."

(At the PARTY, Bilbo gives a SPEECH insulting everyone. But they're too STUPID to realise.)

Bilbo: "Adios."

(He puts on the RING and VANISHES.)

Rory Brandybuck: "Always knew he was wacked."

* * *

Gandalf: "Give that ring to Frodo."

Bilbo: "No! It's mine!"

(He leaves the RING to Frodo anyway.)

* * *

Frodo: "A ring! Cool!"

Gandalf: "I've been thinking: it could be dangerous."

Frodo: "I don't get it."

Gandalf: "Me neither. I'm off to find out more; don't wait up."

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Tags: party, speech, stupid, ring, vanishing