Appendix B: The Tale of Years (Chronology of the Westlands)

(Summary of the Ages:
  • First Age - big battle, Morgoth OVERTHROWN.
  • Second Age - big battle, Sauron OVERTHROWN.
  • Third Age - big battle, Sauron overthrown AGAIN.)

The First Age

Tolkien: "No comment."

The Second Age

(GOOD for the Númenoreans, BAD for the Men of Middle-earth; Elves RULE.)

* * *

(An UNSPARING and UNFETTERED list of events and dates.)

The Third Age

(BAD for everybody. WIZARDS show up.)

* * *

(An UNRELENTING and MULTIFARIOUS list of events and dates.)

The Chief Days From the Fall of Barad-dûr to the end of the Third Age

(An UNNECESSARY and OVERTLY-PEDANTIC list of events and dates.)

Later Events Concerning the Members of the Fellowship of the Ring

(An EXPENDABLE and IMPLAUSIBLE list of events and dates.)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Appendix A-I-i: Númenor

(Feanor (Eldar [= Elf]) MAKES three Silmarilli; they are like LIGHT-BULBS. Morgoth KIDNAPS them and HIDES them in his FORTRESS on Middle-earth. Feanor and the Eldar try to RESCUE them; they meet the Edain (Men) and become best BUDDIES. They lose to Morgoth SPECTACULARLY.

Six of the Eldar and the Edain get HITCHED over the years:
  • Lúthien Tinúviel and Beren
  • Idril and Tuor
  • Arwen and Aragorn.
They all become very interbred but it breaks down like this:
  • Lúthien (Eldar [= Elf]) and Beren (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Dior and a DAUGHTER, Elwing.
  • Idril (Eldar [= Elf]) and Tuor (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Eärendil.
  • Eärendil gets HITCHED to Elwing and OVERTHROWS Morgoth. They have two SONS, Elros and Elrond.)
Tolkien (aside): "If you really want to know what happens to the Silmarilli, read The Silmarillion."

(The Edain get their own PAD called Númenor; they live for a LONG time, but want MORE. Some KING or other with an UNPRONOUNCEABLE name tries to DEFEAT Sauron, who PLAYS up to the KING'S ego and turns the Númenoreans EVIL. R.I.P. Númenor. Elendil and his SONS, Isildur and Anárion, are really the only ones of IMPORTANCE in later Númenorean HISTORY. They LAND on Middle-earth and set up Arnor and Gondor. Elendil RULES the North, while his SONS RULE the South: they build a few CITIES bordering MORDOR and BELIEVE Sauron has SNUFFED it. They are WRONG. In the following war, the Last Alliance KICKS Sauron's ARSE and Isidur takes the One RING. R.I.P. the Second Age.)
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Book III, Chapter 8: Stuffing Your Faces!

(The REMAINING Riders, Gandalf and the others take the ROAD to Isengard, LEARN that the Ents have OVERTHROWN Saruman and MEET up with Merry and Pippin.)

Gimli: "We spent days running after you and you're sat here stuffing your faces!"

Legolas: "Good point well made."

Pippin: "Spoils of war. Get over it."

(Théoden and Gandalf RIDE off to FIND Treebeard.)
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Book III, Chapter 4: A Very Long-Winded Story

Treebeard: "Freaky little creatures, aren't you?"

Pippin: "Arrgh!"

* * *

(Treebeard takes them to his HOME, they EAT and DRINK and Treebeard SINGS. Later, he tells them a very LONG-WINDED story about ENTWIVES and SINGS some more. They go to the ENTMOOT. After two DAYS the Ents decide to OVERTHROW Saruman.)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>