Frodo: "Right. I've had enough. I'm off."

Aragorn: "Whatever. Come back and visit."

Arwen: "Please note that this is my first sentence in this story. In case your psychological scarring starts to screw your head, you can stand in for me when my ship leaves for Valinor. I won't be needing it. I'm staying here with hubby."

* * *

(Gimli and Éomer ARGUE over who's prettier: Arwen or Galadrial. Gimli GENEROUSLY allows Éomer to form his own OPINION. They get to Rohan and Éowyn and Faramir are officially ENGAGED to be HITCHED.)

Éomer: "Politically advantageous marriages - they're marvellous!"

* * *

(They all TRUDGE to Isengard, where it turns OUT that Treebeard is a bit of a SAP and has let Saruman go. They say 'bye to Aragorn. The Hobbits, Gandalf and the Elves HEAD off to the SHIRE. Along the WAY meet Saruman and his trusty sidekick Wormtongue and proceed to PATRONISE them.)

Saruman: "Isn't it enough that you've ruined me?"

Gandalf: "No."

* * *

(Galadriel and the Elves leave, while the Hobbits and Gandalf go to Rivendell.)

Bilbo: "129! Cool, huh?"

(They HANG around for a couple of WEEKS; Bilbo gives Frodo some POETRY, Sam some money and tells Merry and Pippin not to BRAG too much. Bilbo SINGS and Frodo PROMISES to come back and visit.)

Gandalf: "Don't bother. I'll drag him along to the Shire at some point. About this time of year. At some point."

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Tags: argument, marriage, trudging, leaving, poetry, singing

(Frodo and Sam TRUDGE towards MOUNT DOOM. Then they TRUDGE some more. Sam ARGUES with himself because no-one else will LISTEN, realises they actually are going to DIE and gives Frodo a PIGGY-BACK ride up the volcano. Gollum ATTACKS them, Frodo reaches the CRACKS OF DOOM and Sauron starts to get a BAD feeling.)

Sauron: "Right under my flaming nose!"

(Frodo is POSSESSED by the RING and, putting it on, is UNABLE to shake it off [sic].)

Frodo: "Actually, thinking about it, maybe I won't melt nice shiny Ring...."

(Then Gollum turns up and unwittingly SAVES the day by BITING off Frodo's FINGER. He JUMPS for JOY, trips, and PLUNGES to a FIERY death in the FIRES below. The RING accompanies him. R.I.P. Gollum. R.I.P. Frodo's finger. R.I.P. The RING.)

Sam: "Ouch, that's got to hurt."

Frodo: "Whatever. Time to die."

(Sam is oddly HAPPY about their IMPENDING deaths.)
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Tags: trudging, argument, dead, attack, ring, unable, fires, happy

(They ESCAPE Cirith Ungol, OBSESS about water and Frodo notices the RING is very, very, very HEAVY. They figure out that the War isn't going so well for Sauron, but are WORRIED when they see a HUGE army of Orcs and Men in the DISTANCE.)

Sam: "We're screwed."

Frodo: "Whatever."

(They listen to an ARGUMENT between two orcs and LEARN the Gollum is HANGING around. They TRUDGE along, get MISTAKEN for orcs and are forced to MARCH to Udûn. It's all looking pretty GRIM for the Hobbits but LOTS of Orc companies RUN into each other and so they ESCAPE in the CONFUSION. Frodo FAINTS.)
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Tags: escape, obsession, ring, worried, argument, learning, trudging, confusion, fainting

(The gang TRUDGE through the hills towards some MARSHES and Gollum SINGS [don't ask]. Sam is WORRIED that Gollum wants to EAT them - especially since he doesn't LIKE lembas.)

Sam: "We've only got a few supplies left - what's going to happen after we've destroyed the Ring?"

Frodo: "Who cares? We're all gonna die anyway."

* * *

(They TRUDGE through the Dead Marshes for DAYS and see a BLACK RIDER. Frodo starts to NOTICE the RING is getting very HEAVY and Gollum has an ARGUMENT with himself about whether or not to KILL Frodo and Sam.)

* * *

Gollum: "Arrgh! Black Riderss - the Dark Lord iss on to uss!"

(Everyone IGNORES him and they TRUDGE towards MORDOR some MORE.)

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Tags: trudging, singing, worried, eating, black rider, ring, argument, killing, ignoring, Mordor

(Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas RUN through Rohan and everyone WHINES. They meet the Riders of Rohan; there is a bit of an ARGUMENT, but Aragorn acts like a KING and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Éothain, who isn't.)

Éomer: "The Orcs are dead and no-one else was with them, but have these horses and see for yourselves."

(Gimli WHINES about having to ride a horse and the RIDERS OF ROHAN leave. Later, the gang receive a strange VISITATION from an OLD man and their horses DISAPPEAR. Gimli, having WHINED about riding a horse, now WHINES about the LACK of horses.)
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Tags: whining, argument, impressed, kingly, visitation, disappear

(There is a big ARGUMENT about whether they should go through the mines of MORIA. They DECIDE to do so and Aragorn and Boromir take the OPPORTUNITY to swap PROVERBS. Later, a PACK of WARGS attack and the gang kill a BUNCH of them.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Moria!"

(Legolas and Gimli BICKER about whose RACE fell out with whose FIRST. They find the DOOR but Gandalf can't OPEN it.)

Boromir: "You're not a very good wizard, are you?"

Gandalf: "Boromir, don't be a prat."

* * *

(Finally, the DOOR opens, Frodo is attacked by the WATCHER, they RUN inside the MINES and it closes the DOOR.)

Gandalf: "There go our options."

(They TRUDGE through MORIA, Sam WHINES about Bill (his PONY) a lot and they LEARN that Gimli's cousin is DEAD.)

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Tags: argument, decision, opportunity, proverbs, pack, bunch, bickering, trudging, pony, learning, dead