Oct 3021

Appendix F-I: The Languages and Peoples of the Third-Age

Tolkien: "Just about everyone speaks the same language i.e. the Common Speech (Westron). But I made up more just for fun."

Of the Elves

(There are TWO types of Elven language:

  • High-elven - insanely FANCY, not used MUCH.
  • Grey-elven - just FANCY, used a LOT.)

Of Men

(The Common Speech is basically MAN-MADE but different races have their OWN languages:

  • Númenoreans - spoke Grey-elven, Adûnaic and CREATED 'Westron'.
  • Northeners - not too SURE; Common Speech.
  • Rohirrim - not too SURE; Common Speech.
  • Wild Men - not too SURE; it's GUTTURAL, whatever it is.)

Of Hobbits

(They just PLAGIARIZE other people's languages. CURRENTLY they use the Common Speech.)

Of Other Races


  • Ents - not too SURE, but it's LONG-WINDED and UNPRONOUNCEABLE.
  • Orcs - not too SURE; it's PLAGIARIZED, whatever it is; they also use the Common speech.
  • The Black Speech - not too SURE, but we reckon Sauron MADE it UP.
  • Trolls - not too SURE; PLAGIARIZED from Orcs, the Black Speech and the Common Speech.
  • Dwarves - not too SURE, whatever it is; even THEY don't speak it [don't ask].)
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Appendix E-II-ii: The Cirth

The Angerthans (a)

(An INDESCRIBABLE and LABYRINTHINE table of squiggles.)

The Angerthans (b)

(An INCOHERENT and PLEXIFORM table of letters.)

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Appendix E-II-i: The Fëanorian Letters

The Tengwar

(An INDECIPHERABLE and POMPOUS table of squiggles.)


Tolkien: "Here are even more grammatical rules - isn't this stuff fascinating? I made it all up, you know."

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Appendix E-II: Writing

Tolkien: "Tengwar - fancy letters for writing, mostly used by Elves. Cirth - crude runes for scratching, mostly used by Dwarves."
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Appendix E-I: Pronunciation of Words and Names

Tolkien: "This is unnecessary information as well but I've written pages of it. I didn't really want to write this novel anyway, I wanted to write about Elvish languages, so here it comes."


(An INCONCEIVABLE and CONVOLUTED list of how to PRONOUNCE consonants.)


Tolkien: "Add a 'y' to English vowels and you're all set. There are a lot of diphthongs and a couple of other grammatical rules I've made up."


Tolkien: "It all depends on the number of syllables."


Tolkien: "This list does not work for Dwarvish, Orkish, the Black Speech and the speech of Rohan. Anybody except Elves, really."

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Appendix D: Shire Calendar


  • (An UNFATHOMABLE and DIDACTIC list of months and days.)

  • The Calendars

  • (The Elves, Dúnedain and Hobbits all have their own CALENDARS. In a similar FASHION to their CREATORS, they are all very LONG-WINDED and INBRED. The only one of any IMPORTANCE is the Shire's.)

  • Tolkien: "All this stuff is pretty irrelevant since in the novel I used normal names, dates, etc for all the thickies."
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Appendix C: Family Trees

  • Baggins of Hobbiton

  • (An IMMODERATE and VOLUMINOUS list of names and dates.)

  • Took of Great Smials

  • (An UNBRIDLED and INDISCERNIBLE list of names and dates.)

  • Brandybuck of Buckland

  • (An UNREMITTING and AMBIGUOUS list of names and dates.)

  • The Long-father Tree of Master Samwise

  • (An INEXHAUSTIBLE and SUPEREROGATORY list of names and dates.)

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Appendix B: The Tale of Years (Chronology of the Westlands)

(Summary of the Ages:
  • First Age - big battle, Morgoth OVERTHROWN.
  • Second Age - big battle, Sauron OVERTHROWN.
  • Third Age - big battle, Sauron overthrown AGAIN.)

The First Age

Tolkien: "No comment."

The Second Age

(GOOD for the Númenoreans, BAD for the Men of Middle-earth; Elves RULE.)

* * *

(An UNSPARING and UNFETTERED list of events and dates.)

The Third Age

(BAD for everybody. WIZARDS show up.)

* * *

(An UNRELENTING and MULTIFARIOUS list of events and dates.)

The Chief Days From the Fall of Barad-dûr to the end of the Third Age

(An UNNECESSARY and OVERTLY-PEDANTIC list of events and dates.)

Later Events Concerning the Members of the Fellowship of the Ring

(An EXPENDABLE and IMPLAUSIBLE list of events and dates.)

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Appendix A-III: Durin's Folk

(Dwaves like CAVES and PRECIOUS metals. They also have a HABIT of ANNOYING large flying MONSTERS. Sauron is decidedly NARKED because he cannot CORRUPT them easily. Moria, their most IMPRESSIVE kingdom, is over-run by Orcs, so they all get into a BIG FIGHT and remove LOTS of each other's HEADS. Dwarf-women are in short SUPPLY and are not very ADVENTUROUS [don't ask].)

Tolkien: "If you want to know more about Dwarves and Dragons, read The Hobbit."

Gandalf: "If it weren't for me forcing Bilbo on the Dwarves, we'd have been screwed in Gondor. Who's your Daddy?"

(Gimli is the only Dwarf to really GET ON with an Elf (Legolas), when Aragorn DIES they SAIL to Valinor. Gimli only GETS IN because of Galadrial [don't ask].)

The Line of the Dwarves of Erebor as it was invented by Gimli, Glóin's son for King Elessar [that's Aragorn]

(A family-tree of UNWIELDY and INTERCHANGEABLE names and dates.)

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Appendix A-II: The House of Eorl

Source: "The Rohirrim came from the north. They liked plains and horses. There were only three really important members of this auspicious clan:
  • Eorl the Younger - rescued the Men of Gondor from certain death, was given Rohan and made an oath to help Gondor whenever they asked.
  • Helm Hammerhand - big on the fighting and blowing a large horn [don't ask]. Held out against the invaders of Rohan and had a nasty temper. Now seen only as a ghost.
  • Théoden - fought in the War of the Ring and died at the hands of the Lord of the Nazgûl. For full information, read the novel."

The Kings of the Mark

(A SUPERFLUOUS list of INCONSEQUENTIAL names and dates.)

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Appendix A-I-v: A Part of the Tale of Aragorn and Arwen

(Aragorn's FATHER, Arathorn, dies YOUNG(ISH) so his MOTHER, Gilraen, MOVES IN with Elrond. Who LOVES Aragorn like a SON, calls him Estel but doesn't TELL him that he is rightful King of Gondor. Elrond TELLS him all this when he is TWENTY and has been on a WORLD TOUR with Elrond's SONS.)

Elrond: "Have this ring and the Shards of Narsil. You're going to live for a long time, unless you get killed sooner. You can't have the Sceptre of Annuminas yet because you're not old enough."

* * *

(The next DAY, Aragorn goes for a WALK, SINGS and thinks he's seen a LEGENDARY Elf-maiden - but actually it's only Elrond's DAUGHTER, Arwen.)

Aragorn: "Daughter, huh? Where's he been keeping you?"

Arwen: "Lothlórien."

(Aragorn is PUT OUT that she's OLDER than him, but FALLS in LOVE anyway.)

* * *

Gilraen: "Stop pinning for Arwen - you haven't got a hope."

Aragorn: "It's not fair!"

Elrond: "Aragorn, give it up. Not only are you going to be in big trouble when you get older, but Arwen is too good for you and she knows it. Anyway, I'm leaving Middle-earth soon and she's coming with me."

Aragorn: "Damn."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES into the wild, FIGHTS Sauron, MEETS Gandalf and becomes UGLY [don't ask]. Eventually, he goes to Lothlórien and gets DRESSED up; Arwen is SMITTEN and BINDS herself [not literally] to him, resolving to get HITCHED at some point in the DISTANT future. Elrond FINDS out and is very ANNOYED.)

Elrond: "No way - not unless you're King of Gondor and Arnor."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES off once more and his MOTHER dies. The War of the RING occurs, Aragorn WINS the Battle of the Fields of Pelennor and becomes KING of Gondor and Arnor. When the RING is DESTROYED Elrond LEAVES and Arwen hangs around as QUEEN of Gondor for 60 YEARS. Aragorn eventually KICKS it, after handing Gondor and Arnor over to his SON, Eldarion. Arwen GRIEVES, goes to Lothlórien for the WINTER but no-one's HOME, so she DIES.)

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Appendix A-I-iv: Gondor and the Heirs of Anárion

(Once Anárion DIES, KIDS start to be in short SUPPLY [don't ask] and GREED and DECADENCE abound.)

Source: "Kings came and went, but for Sauron it was a case of 'veni, vidi, vici, dude' [or would have been if Latin had been around then]."

(The Dúnedain start getting HITCHED to foreigners [don't ask]. Another PLAGUE strikes and Men are in short SUPPLY so they stop GUARDING Mordor.)

Sauron: "Opportunity knocks..."

(Wainriders ATTACK from the East, Sauron gives them a PEP-TALK and they REALLY give it some WELLY. The Wainriders are too SELF-SATISFIED and SMUG, yet COCKY, and Eärnil (Captain of the Southern Army) sends them PACKING.)

Source: "Arveduri was the direct descendant of Isildur, but the Council of Gondor didn't want him because he wasn't the direct descendant of Anárion [don't ask]. So they gave the job to Eärnil, who wasn't the direct descendent of either. Big mistake. Arvedui needed help when the Witch-king [the Lord of the Nazgûl, remember?] attacked, so Eärnil sent his son, Eärnur, but his timing was off. R.I.P. Arveduri. Better late than never, Eärnur then KICKED the Witch-king's ARSE. Then Eärnur and Glorfindel went on a killing-spree, but Eärnur's horse embarrassed him [don't ask] when the Witch-king turned up. Glorfindel [remember him? Book I, Chapter XII] charged at the Witch-king, who scarpered. Eärnur was decidedly narked but Glorfindel restrained him thus:

Glorfindel: "Whoa there big fella, we're not going to be the ones to kill him - maybe someone shorter... well, not a Man, anyway."

Source: "How prophetic."

* * *

Source: "Minas Ithil was kidnapped by the Nazgûl and renamed Minas Morgul. Eärnur was good at fighting but he was also a bit of a thickie, so when the Lord of the Nazgûl [the Witch-king, remember?] taunted him, he trudged off to prove his manliness. R.I.P. Eärnur. As the descendants of the kings had senselessly slaughtered themselves by this point, the Steward (Mardil) got the job."

The Stewards

(IMPORTANT Ruling Stewards are:

  • Cirion - gives Eorl (the LEADER of the Rohirrim) a LARGE chunk of land, which they call Rohan.
  • Ecthelion II - has an INFALLIBLE advisor called Thorongil, although no-one has a CLUE where he comes from. He likes Gandalf. A LOT.
  • Denethor II - doesn't like Gandalf, goes MAD and does the HUMAN BARBECUE [don't ask]; his eldest SON Boromir also goes MAD and ends up looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask].
  • Faramir - is the only SANE one in the entire BUNCH and he doesn't get to RULE for long. [Two measly weeks to be precise, not even worth a MENTION in the list of Stewards. Poor sod].)
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Appendix A-I-iii: Eriador, Arnor and the Heirs of Isildur

Source: "Eriador was big but Arnor was bigger."

The North-kingdom and the Dúnedain

(The next eight KINGS after Isildur and Anárion SQUABBLE about who OWNS what and everyone wants Weathertop because it has a CRYSTAL-BALL SHAPED Palantir-thingy.)

Source: "The Witch-king [aka The Lord of the Nazgûl] tries world domination. Then there was war, plague, more war, and Snowmen. Elrond held on to the heirlooms of Gondor and the Dúnedain became Rangers. Orcs multiplied indiscriminately and indiscriminately attacked people. The Line of Kings was restored by Aragorn, son of Arathorn who became King of Gondor and Arnor, but decreed that none of the Big People with should pass the borders of the Shire. But he still shows up at the border for a chat now and then. One of Sam's daughters works for Arwen."

(The Men of Gondor die QUICKER than they used to [bummer], but Aragorn keeps going like the PROVERBIAL Duracell BATTERY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for his SUBJECTS, who aren't, since they're dropping like FLIES. In hot weather.)

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Appendix A-I-ii: The Realms In Exile

The Northern Line - The Heirs of Islidur

(An OVERLY-COMPLEX list of INDISTINGUISHABLE names and dates.)

* * *

The Southern Line - The Heirs of Anárion

(An IMPENETRABLE list of UNPRONOUNCEABLE names and dates.)

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Appendix A-I-i: Númenor

(Feanor (Eldar [= Elf]) MAKES three Silmarilli; they are like LIGHT-BULBS. Morgoth KIDNAPS them and HIDES them in his FORTRESS on Middle-earth. Feanor and the Eldar try to RESCUE them; they meet the Edain (Men) and become best BUDDIES. They lose to Morgoth SPECTACULARLY.

Six of the Eldar and the Edain get HITCHED over the years:
  • Lúthien Tinúviel and Beren
  • Idril and Tuor
  • Arwen and Aragorn.
They all become very interbred but it breaks down like this:
  • Lúthien (Eldar [= Elf]) and Beren (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Dior and a DAUGHTER, Elwing.
  • Idril (Eldar [= Elf]) and Tuor (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Eärendil.
  • Eärendil gets HITCHED to Elwing and OVERTHROWS Morgoth. They have two SONS, Elros and Elrond.)
Tolkien (aside): "If you really want to know what happens to the Silmarilli, read The Silmarillion."

(The Edain get their own PAD called Númenor; they live for a LONG time, but want MORE. Some KING or other with an UNPRONOUNCEABLE name tries to DEFEAT Sauron, who PLAYS up to the KING'S ego and turns the Númenoreans EVIL. R.I.P. Númenor. Elendil and his SONS, Isildur and Anárion, are really the only ones of IMPORTANCE in later Númenorean HISTORY. They LAND on Middle-earth and set up Arnor and Gondor. Elendil RULES the North, while his SONS RULE the South: they build a few CITIES bordering MORDOR and BELIEVE Sauron has SNUFFED it. They are WRONG. In the following war, the Last Alliance KICKS Sauron's ARSE and Isidur takes the One RING. R.I.P. the Second Age.)
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Appendix A-I: Annals of the Kings and Rulers

Tolkien: "Most of this information came from the prologue and is only provided for background. Everything refers to the Third Age unless otherwise stated. The Third Age ended September 3021 in the Shire but in Gondor it ended in March. Explanations for this difference is given in the novel, so read it. Mostly people bought it in battle etc."
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