(The Army of the West (Aragorn's gang) are HORRIBLY outnumbered and are losing SPECTACUARLY. Luckily, the Eagles SAVE the day.)

* * *

(Elsewhere:)

Frodo: "Whatever. Time to die."

Sam: "But I'm not ready to die!"

Frodo: "Tough."

(Luckily, the Eagles and Gandalf SAVE the day. They all meet up with Aragorn and a minstrel SINGS about Frodo and Sam. There is a big REUNION FEAST; all the Hobbits are REUNITED and Merry and Pippin BRAG about their new-found CREDIBILITY. Sam is baffled by the STORIES he hears, Legolas SINGS as he goes to the SEA and everyone goes to bed.)

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Tags: spectacular, singing, eating, story, bed

(Frodo and Sam TRUDGE towards MOUNT DOOM. Then they TRUDGE some more. Sam ARGUES with himself because no-one else will LISTEN, realises they actually are going to DIE and gives Frodo a PIGGY-BACK ride up the volcano. Gollum ATTACKS them, Frodo reaches the CRACKS OF DOOM and Sauron starts to get a BAD feeling.)

Sauron: "Right under my flaming nose!"

(Frodo is POSSESSED by the RING and, putting it on, is UNABLE to shake it off [sic].)

Frodo: "Actually, thinking about it, maybe I won't melt nice shiny Ring...."

(Then Gollum turns up and unwittingly SAVES the day by BITING off Frodo's FINGER. He JUMPS for JOY, trips, and PLUNGES to a FIERY death in the FIRES below. The RING accompanies him. R.I.P. Gollum. R.I.P. Frodo's finger. R.I.P. The RING.)

Sam: "Ouch, that's got to hurt."

Frodo: "Whatever. Time to die."

(Sam is oddly HAPPY about their IMPENDING deaths.)
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Tags: trudging, argument, dead, attack, ring, unable, fires, happy

(Everyone TRUDGES to MORDOR. Except for Merry, who doesn't. Their TRIP is oddly QUIET and the army is FREAKED OUT. Aragorn uses emotional BLACKMAIL to persuade them to continue. Then they reach the Black Gate of Mordor.)

Aragorn: "Oi, Sauron, come out and fight, if you think you're hard enough!"

Mouth of Sauron: "Thanks for the two rodents you sent us. Give up or we'll torture them for eternity!"

Gandalf: "Take a hike."

(The Gate OPENS and the HOSTS of MORDOR surround them. The sun goes down, the NAZGÛL show up and the gang know they are going to lose SPECTACULARLY. Beregond is KNOCKED down by a troll-chief who Pippin STABS. Pippin is about to FAINT after nearly being SQUASHED by the troll-chief when he hears people SHOUTING something about Eagles. He FAINTS.)
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Tags: trudging, Mordor, freaked out, black rider, spectacular, stabbed, fainting

(Legolas SINGS and Gimli STROKES his beard.)

Gimli: "This place needs some renovation work."

Legolas: "And gardens. Lots of gardens"

* * *

(Aragorn calls the Commanders TOGETHER, Legolas and Gimli MEET up with Pippin and Merry and they CHAT.)

Legolas: "Arrgh! Gulls!"

(Legolas TELLS them about how they GOT hold of the SHIPS and SINGS.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Denethor was wacked, but he was on to something. If Sauron gets hold of Frodo we're all screwed. Time to play bait."

Aragorn: "Sounds like a plan."

(They GATHER an army of 7000 and Aragorn swears he won't put his sword AWAY until the LAST battle.)

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Tags: singing, chatting, sword

(Faramir, Éowyn and Merry all END up in the Houses of the Healing and everyone thinks they are BEYOND help. Except for Ioreth, who doesn't. Instead, she takes the opportunity to share a PROVERB.)

Aragorn: "Athelas, a.k.a. kingsfoil, now."

Ioreth: "I always thought that was a weird name for a weed. Even if it does smell nice."

Aragorn: "Idiot:

• Not interested;
• Lives at stake;
• You talk too much."

(Aragorn TRUDGES through the City HEALING everyone he can LAY his HANDS on.)
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Tags: opportunity, proverbs, trudging

Pippin: "Denethor's out of his mind! He's thinking of doing the Human Barbecue and taking Faramir with him!"

Gandalf: "Well, I'm not sure if this is in my job description, but I'll take a look."

* * *

(They find a DEAD Guard; Gandalf says that it's the WORK of Sauron and then they find Beregond FIGHTING the servants of Denethor, who is trying to KILL him.)

Gandalf: "All right, all right, pack it in! If you want to die, at least make yourself useful and do it on the battlefield."

(It turns out that Denethor's been using a Palantir and is somewhat MIFFED at the thought of Aragorn becoming KING. Denethor tries to STAB Faramir, but Beregond won't LET him, so he SETTLES for BURNING himself instead. Faramir is taken to the Houses of Healing; Gandalf FIGURES out how Denethor was INFLUENCED by Sauron and TELLS Beregond that he's FIRED.)

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Tags: dead, fighting, killing, king, stabbed, influenced

(The Lord of the NAZGÛL scarpers, theorising that DISCRETION is the better part of VALOUR. Théoden gets decidedly NARKED off at seeing the Southeners and goes on a KILLING SPREE. Théoden's horse is HIT by an arrow and the Lord of the NAZGÛL and his flying STEED turn up.)

Dernhelm: "Geroff!"

Lord of the Nazgûl: "You can't frighten me! No man can! Ha Ha!"

Dernhelm: "But I am not a man - I am a wo-man!"

(It's Éowyn. The Lord of the NAZGÛL considers this BRIEFLY, while Merry DECIDES to actually do something USEFUL and HELP Éowyn out. The Lord of the NAZGÛL doesn't BOTHER about him, since he's too BUSY going after Éowyn. Éowyn KILLS the Lord of the NAZGÛL's flying STEED and this really ANNOYS him, but as he goes to TEACH Éowyn a LESSON, Merry STABS him from behind. R.I.P. Lord of the NAZGÛL. R.I.P Théoden.)

* * *

Éomer: "Éowyn? What are you doing here? I though we left you behind! Arrgh! We're all going to die!"

(R.I.P. Merry's sword. The Riders of Rohan CARRY Théoden's BODY away; the Men of Gondor are STUNNED by the sight of a wo-man and they SEND for AID because she's INJURED. More FIGHTING happens; then they see SHIPS on the Sea, and everyone thinks they are ALL going to DIE. Except for Éomer, who doesn't. He's right. It's Aragorn. Everyone is HAPPY. They SLAUGHTER the HOSTS of MORDOR and SING.)

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Tags: narked off, killing, black rider, decision, annoyance, stabbed, fighting, dead, happy, Mordor, singing

(Pippin FINDS out that he is pretty much ornamental, gets DECKED out in the ARMOUR of the Tower Guard and is given a TEMPORARY job as Denethor's esquire, but becomes WORRIED when he is TOLD that one of his DUTIES is to SING. Gandalf RESCUES Faramir from the BLACK RIDERS and everyone is HAPPY to see Faramir ALIVE. Except for Denethor, who isn't.)

Faramir: "I say, last time I was here there weren't any Hobbits in the Tower Guard."

Gandalf: "New ornament."

(Gandalf is WORRIED that Frodo went to Cirith Ungol and Denethor WHINES about Faramir being ALIVE rather than Boromir.)

Faramir: "Hey, you sent him on that mission."

Denethor: "I wish I hadn't. You're useless - at least Boromir would have bought me a nice shiny Ring."

Gandalf: "Don't be a prat."

* * *

(Everyone feels SORRY for Faramir but no-one COMPLAINS when he gets sent to the FRONT (the Fields of Pelennor). NEWS arrives that Faramir is FIGHTING a lost CAUSE because the Lord of the NAZGÛL is on a ROLL and Gandalf RIDES off to HELP Faramir. It doesn't do much GOOD and the Men of Gondor get their ARSES KICKED. Faramir is INJURED and more of the MORDOR army turns up.)

Gandalf: "There's no way the Riders of Rohan can help now. We've had it."

* * *

(The army of MORDOR catapult DEAD-HEADS into the first circle of the City; Denethor is a walking CLOUD of DEPRESSION and REFUSES to leave his SON'S room. He DECIDES to KILL himself and Faramir but Pippin shows some INITIATIVE and RUNS off to FIND Gandalf. The Enemy BUSTS through the Gate and the Lord of the NAZGÛL gloats.)

Lord of the Nazgûl: "Ha ha, I win, you lose! Tee hee!"

(Gandalf is talking TOUGH when the Riders of Rohan FINALLY arrive.)

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Tags: worried, singing, rescued, black rider, happy, alive, whining, prat, fighting, Mordor, depressed, decision

(They ESCAPE Cirith Ungol, OBSESS about water and Frodo notices the RING is very, very, very HEAVY. They figure out that the War isn't going so well for Sauron, but are WORRIED when they see a HUGE army of Orcs and Men in the DISTANCE.)

Sam: "We're screwed."

Frodo: "Whatever."

(They listen to an ARGUMENT between two orcs and LEARN the Gollum is HANGING around. They TRUDGE along, get MISTAKEN for orcs and are forced to MARCH to Udûn. It's all looking pretty GRIM for the Hobbits but LOTS of Orc companies RUN into each other and so they ESCAPE in the CONFUSION. Frodo FAINTS.)
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Tags: escape, obsession, ring, worried, argument, learning, trudging, confusion, fainting

(Sam EVENTUALLY picks himself up off the FLOOR, finds another WAY into the tower and discovers a LOT of DEAD Orcs. The RING starts to POSSESS him but he RESISTS it in the followsing manner:)

Sam: "Possession? Ha! I laugh in the face of possession!"

(He uses Galadrial's PRESENT to get past the stone WATCHERS at the door. He searches some MORE, SINGS and finds Frodo BUTT naked and being WHIPPED [don't ask] by an Orc called Snaga. This decidedly NARKS Sam off. R.I.P. Snaga.)

Frodo: "Oooh, what happened?"

Sam: "Don't ask."

(Sam thus takes the opportunity of not giving Frodo a STRIAGHT ANSWER. Frodo WHINES about losing the RING. Sam CASUALLY explains that he has the RING. Frodo takes the opportunity to INSULT him, then unconvincingly BLAMES it on the RING and they DECK themselves out in Orc gear.)

Sam: "We've got to get out of here!"

Frodo: "Never mind that, we need food."

(They EAT and use Galadrial's PRESENT again. A BLACK RIDER turns up and does NOTHING.)
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Tags: dead, ring, presents, singing, don't ask, narked off, straight answer, opportunity, whining, insults, black rider, eating

(Merry is LONELY and the Wild Men OFFER to lead the Riders to Minas Tirith by the only UNOCCUPIED road left. They FIND out that the MESSENGERS they sent to Gondor are DEAD and Théoden is WORRIED that Denethor will not know they're COMING, but Éomer takes the opportunity to CONSOLE him with a PROVERB. They arrive just in TIME to see the Gate give way; Merry QUESTIONS the wisdom of coming after all, Théoden URGES his men on with a SONG and then the REST of the Riders SING as they FIGHT.)
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Tags: lonely, dead, worried, opportunity, proverbs, singing, fighting

(Frodo isn't looking too HOT; Sam ATTACKS the spider (Shelob) and STABS it (her) in the STOMACH. It (she) runs OFF. Finally, it DAWNS on Sam that Frodo is DEAD.)

Sam: "Ooops. Now what?"

(Sam DECIDES to take the RING, Sting and Galadrial's PRESENT and carry on. He doesn't get very FAR and puts on the RING to ESCAPE the Orcs patrolling the area.)

Orcs: "A body! And a really gooey mess!"

Shagrat: "Strip him and send word to Lugburz." (a.k.a. Barad-Dûr, a.k.a. Sauron's Place)

Gorbag: "What's the point? He's kicked it."

Shagrat: "You're a real prat, you know that? He's not dead."

Sam: "Uh-oh..."

(The Orcs put Frodo in the TOP of the TOWER and Sam RENDERS himself unconscious by jumping WILDLY at the door [please don't ask].)
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Tags: attack, stabbed, dead, decision, ring, presents, escape, don't ask

(Gollum LEADS them into an incredibly SMELLY tunnel and ABANDONS them. They get ATTACKED by a very BIG spider.)

Sam: "Arrgh!"

(They ESCAPE thanks to the PRESENT that Galadrial gave to Frodo, but now the spider is really ANNOYED and comes after them. Gollum TRIES to STRANGLE Sam, but ends up running AWAY with a rather NASTY back injury [don't ask].)
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Tags: smelly, attack, escape, presents, annoyance, strangled, don't ask

(The Riders of Rohan reach Dunharrow and Théoden INSISTS on joining the EXPEDITION. They get NEWS of Gandalf and a BLACK RIDER and Éwoyn is still UNHAPPY about Aragorn taking the Paths of the Dead.)

Éomer: "We've had it."

(Merry is CONFUSED about why everyone is so UPSET, ASKS about the Paths of the Dead and FINALLY gets a TASTE of how it FEELS not to get a STRAIGHT ANSWER.)

* * *

(Théoden RECIEVES the Red Arrow from Gondor and TELLS the messenger (Hirgon) that it will take a WEEK for the Riders of Rohan to come Gondor's RESCUE.)

Hirgon: "We're all going to be dead by then - still you might give the Orcs and Southerners a nasty shock."

Théoden: "True, true."

* * *

(Merry is ANNOYED at the idea of being left BEHIND, falls ASLEEP and wakes up to FIND that DARKNESS has FLOWED out of MORDOR [don't ask]. Théoden ORDERS the Muster of Rohan; Merry gets some ARMOUR and the Riders of Rohan SING. Merry is ORDERED to stay with Éowyn, but a Rider (Dernhelm) has a PROVERB to SHARE and OFFERS to HIDE him under his CLOAK [don't ask] and take him to war.)

Merry: "Yippee!"

(Dernhelm's horse isn't too BOTHERED about the extra WEIGHT because Dernhelm is SMALLER than MOST. As they get CLOSER to Gondor, everyone gets DEPRESSED.)

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Tags: insistence, black rider, confusion, straight answer, annoyance, Mordor, don't ask, singing, proverbs, depressed

(They reach Cirith Ungol; Frodo NOTICES the RING is very, very HEAVY, and it starts to POSSESS him. Luckily, he RESISTS and everyone gets FREAKED OUT by the massive army led by the LORD OF THE NAZGÛL.)

Frodo: "Oh, that's all I needed - wonderful. We're all going to die."

* * *

(They CLIMB a Straight Stair and a Winding Stair, Frodo and Sam have a POST-MODERNIST moment and QUESTION Gollum's MOTIVES.)

* * *

Frodo: "So, this is were you get off, Smeagol. See you round."

Gollum: "You sstill need me to lead you through the tunnel, tee hee! Come on!"

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Tags: ring, freaked out, black rider

(Frodo, Sam and Gollum LEAVE the Men of Gondor and TRUDGE through the woods. Gollum DISAPPEARS for a while; the Hobbits SLEEP and Gollum REAPPEARS. They reach some CROSS-ROADS and Frodo has a SPIRTUAL moment.)
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Tags: leaving, trudging, disappear, spiritual

Faramir: "So, the odd looking creature down there - kill it, yay or nay?"

Frodo: "No!"

Gollum: "Fissh!"

Frodo: "Nice Sméagol, come here or I'll curse you..."

Gollum: "Coming!"

* * *

(Faramir gives Frodo FREE reign through Gondor for a year and TELLS him not to TRUST Gollum.)

Faramir: "You must not go to Cirith Ungol."

Frodo: "Why not?"

(Faramir is UNABLE to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER and SAYS that Gollum is EVIL.)

Frodo: "Whatever."

Faramir: "Have some food before you leave. If you survive this little escapade then we'll have a chat about it then. Bye!"

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Tags: trust, unable, straight answer

(Frodo TELLS Faramir he's not hiding anything, but Faramir doesn't BELIEVE him and asks QUESTIONS about why he's hanging around Mordor. Drawing on past EXPERIENCE, Frodo refuses to give Faramir a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Instead, he TALKS about Aragorn and his SWORD and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Faramir, who isn't. Eventually, Frodo TELLS him a strategically ABRIDGED version of events and LEARNS that Boromir and Faramir were brothers. Then they TRUDGE to some CAVES for DINNER.)

* * *

(After DINNER and a quick LESSON in TABLE MANNERS, Frodo TELLS Faramir about his Boromir's part in the Company.)

Frodo: "Yeah, Boromir was a great bloke - liked a good skirmish."

Faramir: "Indeed! He was the most valiant of our people. There was no-one braver or more honourable."

Sam: "Yup. Except for that time when he tried to steal the One Ring from Frodo."

Frodo: "Sam, you're a prat."

Faramir: "The One Ring! Well, what a piece of luck! Never fear, though, I'm not much into the Dark Lord's jewellery - I don't want it. What are you going to do with it?"

Frodo: "Melt it."

(Frodo FAINTS, Faramir TUCKS him into BED and Sam SAYS that Faramir REMINDS him of a WIZARD [don't ask].)

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Tags: straight answer, impressed, sword, learning, trudging, eating, ring, prat, fainting, bed

(Frodo, Sam and Gollum TRUDGE south; the SCENERY is much nicer and they take a BREAK.)

Sam: "Oi! Gollum, food, now!"

* * *

Sam: "Ohh, coneys." [Rabbits.]

(He STEWS the rabbits, much to Gollum's ANNOYANCE. Sam GRUMBLES about the LACK of potatoes.)

* * *

Frodo: "Voices!"

Faramir: "I'm Faramir, Captain of these very well camouflaged men here - we are from Gondor."

Frodo: "I'm Frodo, this is Sam and we knew a dude called Boromir of Gondor."

Soldiers: "Boromir! Boromir! Boromir!" [Echo effect necessary.]

Faramir: "Fascinating! I'd like to stay and chat but we've got to dash - lots of killing to do. I'll leave two guards and talk to you later!"

* * *

(Frodo CHATS with the guards, LEARNS that the Men of the South are EVIL and there is a BIG fight.)

Sam: "An Oliphaunt! Cool! I'm off to sleep."

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Tags: trudging, eating, annoyance, grumbling, chatting, learning, fighting

(Aragorn, Théoden, Legolas, Gimli, Merry and the Riders of Rohan RIDE towards EDORAS and meet the Rangers. Arwen sends Aragorn a PRESENT, Legolas looks TROUBLED, and Merry swears LOYALTY to Théoden and becomes an esquire. Aragorn SURPRISES everyone by ANNOUNCING that he's going to Gondor by the Paths of the Dead; Gimli SCOLDES him for using the Palantir and contacting Sauron but Aragorn SAYS he acted ROYALLY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Sauron, who probably wasn't.)

* * *

(Due to being SMITTEN with Aragorn, Éowyn visits him in the NIGHT [don't ask].)

Éowyn: "Will you take me with you?"

Aragorn: "Nope."

* * *

(Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and the Rangers (The Grey Company) TRUDGE through the Paths of the Dead; Gimli GRUMBLES about being SCARED and Legolas TALKS to the horses. The Company LEAVES the Paths of the Dead, but are FOLLOWED by some dead warriors [don't ask].)

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Tags: presents, troubled, loyalty, surprise, kingly, impressed, smitten, don't ask, trudging, scarded, leaving, dead

(Pippin and Gandalf RIDE very fast towards Minas Tirith and Gandalf SENDS Pippin to SLEEP with a very LONG-WINDED story about the CUSTOMS of Gondor. They MEET some soliders and Gandalf TELLS them not to bother REBUILDING the wall of Pelennor.)

Ingold: "But it'll be finished in a minute! What about the Riders of Rohan - are they going to grace us with their presence or not?"

Gandalf: "Thanks to me they are - if I hadn't rescued them from certain death, then you'd be screwed right now. I'm going - and no nodding off, you hear?"

* * *

(They REACH Minas Tirith; Pippin is AWED by the city, NO-ONE thinks that SEEING Gandalf is a GOOD thing and Gandalf TELLS Pippin not to mention ANYTHING about the RING to Denethor (The Steward of Gondor). And to keep quiet about Aragorn, because he knows that EVERYONE will be IMPRESSED. Except for Denethor, who won't be.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Hi, Denethor, how's it going?"

Denethor: "Terrible. Where's the person who saw Boromir die? Oh I wish I'd sent Faramir instead!"

(Pippin offers Denethor his SWORD as PAYMENT for Boromir's death.)

Denethor: "Wow! You may be short but you've some got manners - even if you have got a wierd accent! I like you, little man!"

(EGGED on by Gandalf, Pippin swears LOYALTY to Gondor, becomes a soldier, and TELLS Denethor about Boromir's death.)

Denethor: "I rule Gondor! Unless the King turns up, that is."

Gandalf: "Just in case he does, you'd better make sure that there's some kingdom left, eh?"

* * *

(Pippin meets Beregond (a GUARD) who TELLS him some PASSWORDS and about the CUSTOMS of Gondor.)

Beregond: "Wow! You've got some manners - even if you have got a wierd accent!"

* * *

(They visit Shadowfax and Pippin gets treated like a PRINCE. Beregond TELLS Pippin to FIND his son (Bergil) and WATCH the Gate closing. A lot of allies ARRIVE but not as many as HOPED for.)

Gandalf: "We're all going to die."

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Tags: long-winded, ring, impressed, sword, loyalty

Pippin: "Why can't I have nice, shiny crystal ball?"

(Merry explains why, taking the OPPORTUNITY to share a PROVERB. Pippin STEALS the Palantir from Gandalf and has a NASTY experience with one of the BLACK RIDERS/NAZGÛL [don't ask].)

Gandalf: "You're a real prat, do you know that?"

* * *

Aragorn: "Oi, that Palantir is a family heirloom! Give it here!"

Gandalf: "Sure. But don't be to eager to use it!"

Aragorn: "Who? Moi?"

(Gandalf takes the OPPORTUNITY to shares a PROVERB with Aragorn; Théoden DECIDES to RIDE back to Helm's Deep with Éomer, LEAVING the majority of the Riders at Aragorn''s DISPOSAL.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Arrgh! Nazgûl/Black Riders!"

(Gandalf RIDES off with Pippin and Merry WHINES about being left BEHIND.)

Aragorn: "Idiot."

* * *

(Gandalf BRAGS about his horse (Shadowfax), SINGS and goes off on a very LONG -WINDED explanation about the Palantir. Pippin is SURPRISED to find out that they are going to Minas Tirith, not Helm's Deep, and Shadowfax SPRINGS forward with FIRE flying from his FEET [definitely don't ask].)

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Tags: opportunity, proverbs, black rider, prat, decision, leaving, whining, singing, long-winded, surprise, don't ask

Sam: "Eek! The Gate of Mordor! What would my Gaffer say?"

Frodo: "Who cares? No-one asked you to come. I'm going in whatever."

Gollum: "No! No! Go the other way!"

Frodo: "Huh?"

(Gollum TELLS them there is a WAY south; Frodo THREATENS him (much to Sam's DELIGHT), and Gollum GROVELS.)

* * *

Sam: "Arrgh! Black Riders!"

(They SEE Men of the South going into MORDOR; Sam SINGS about Oliphaunts, Frodo LAUGHS and DECIDES to take the WAY south.)

Gollum: "Phew!"

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Tags: threatening, delight, grovelling, Mordor, decision, black rider

Gandalf: "Right, time to talk to Saruman - at great personal risk, I might add."

(Everyone DECIDES to go with him and he TELLS them not to LISTEN to Saruman's VOICE.)

Gandalf: "I must go upstairs - at great personal risk, I might add."

(Théoden SAYS he's COMING too and also VOLUNTEERS Éomer. Not to be outdone, Gandalf VOLUNTEERS Aragorn as well. Eventually, everyone GOES along.)

Saruman: "Oh Théoden, why hast thou foresaken me? We could still be friends, ya know?"

Gimli: "Arrgh! Lies, all lies!"

Saruman: "Dwarves are better seen and not heard. Théoden, we could still be friends, ya know?"

Éomer: "Arrgh! Lies, all lies!"

(Saruman TRIES to BEWITCH everyone, but is MOCKED by Gandalf and gets very ANGRY. Gandalf SNAPS Saruman's STAFF; Wormtongue THROWS a crystal ball-shaped Palantir out the WINDOW, which decidedly NARKS Saruman OFF, and Treebeard AGREES to keep and EYE on Saruman.)
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Tags: decision, volunteers, mockery, anger, staff, narked off

Legolas: "So, care to fill in some blanks?"

Gimli: "Food first - it's gone lunch-time."

(They FIND some FOOD, Pippin TELLS them about Ents and Merry LENDS Gimli his spare PIPE and Gimli gets OVER-EXCITED.)

Gimli: "Marry me!"

Legolas: "So, what happened with you two?"

(For the first part of their story, read A very long-winded story.)

Merry: "...We waited for the Orcs to leave, then the Ents broke the door down, destroyed everything except the Tower. Then Gandalf turned up, chatted to Treebeard and left. Oh, and Wormtongue put in an appearance. Other than that, we just found some pipe-weed from the Shire."

Aragorn: "Interesting..."
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Tags: eating, smoking, excited, marriage

(The REMAINING Riders, Gandalf and the others take the ROAD to Isengard, LEARN that the Ents have OVERTHROWN Saruman and MEET up with Merry and Pippin.)

Gimli: "We spent days running after you and you're sat here stuffing your faces!"

Legolas: "Good point well made."

Pippin: "Spoils of war. Get over it."

(Théoden and Gandalf RIDE off to FIND Treebeard.)
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Tags: learning, overthrow

(There is a CHANGE in the original PLAN and everyone rides to HELM'S DEEP. There is a BATTLE; Gimli RESCUES Éomer from CERTAIN death and he and Legolas start COMPETING for most KILLS. The Orcs BLAST a hole in the wall.)

Aragorn: "Arrgh!"

(They are losing SPECTACULARLY and everyone RETREATS.)

* * *

Théoden: "Right, that's it! No more Mr. Nice King! At dawn I'm gonna seriously kill me some Orc! You want in?"

Aragorn: "Yup."

* * *

(Aragorn goes OUTSIDE to have a quick GANDER at the opposition.)

Orcs: "We are the fighting Uruk-hai!" [Repeat many times for full effect.]

(Aragorn WARNS them that they are all going to DIE, acts very KINGLY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except the Uruk-hai, who aren't. Then the Riders sound HELM'S HORN and charge, the Orcs are WORRIED and run away. Gandalf turns up with Erkenbrand and finishes off Saruman's ARMY.)

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Tags: plan, battle, rescued, killing, competition, spectacular, warning, dead, impressed, worried

Rider of Rohan: "By the way, we've become very xenophobic recently - hey, are those our horses?"

Aragorn: "Yup."

* * *

(Later, the DOORMAN (Háma) wants to take their WEAPONS; Aragorn doesn't want to give up his SWORD and Gandalf wants to keep his STAFF. Finally, Aragorn gives in and Háma takes the OPPORTUNITY to share a PROVERB. Gandalf gets to keep his STAFF. Théoden doesn't look too HOT [don't ask].)

Gandalf: "I'm back!"

Théoden: "Do I look happy to see you?"

(Wormtongue says that Théoden’s son is DEAD and that Éomer can't be TRUSTED. He and Gandalf take the OPPORTUNITY to swap PROVERBS and Gandalf SINGS.)

Gandalf: "You gonna listen to me now?"

Théoden: "Sure."

(Éowyn arrives, SAYS and DOES nothing and is QUICKLY sent away again by Gandalf. Éomer is RELEASED from prison, Théoden is FILLED IN in on recent EVENTS and LEARNS that Wormtongue is a TRAITOR. Éowyn is SMITTEN with Aragorn and Théoden can't THINK of anyone to RULE Rohan for a bit until Háma remembers and suggests Éowyn. Everyone else RIDES out towards Isengard.)

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Tags: sword, opportunity, proverbs, staff, don't ask, dead, trust, singing, learning, traitor, smitten

(Aragorn and the others find EVIDENCE that Merry and Pippin are still ALIVE and head into FANGORN.)

* * *

Legolas: "The Old Man!"

Gimli: "Arrgh!"

Old Man: "How's it hangin'?"

Aragorn: "We're kinda busy so if you don't mind..."

(Gimli tries to ATTACK the OLD man, but it turns out to be GANDALF and they are all jolly HAPPY.)

Gandalf: "My fight with the Balrog took a long time and it hurt. But I got this new outfit, so it wasn't a total loss. Galadriel sends messages:

• Aragorn: Get the Rangers together and go to war.
• Legolas: Avoid the Sea.
• Gimli: Hi."

(The horses REAPPEAR and they ride to EDORAS.)
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Tags: evidence, alive, attack, happy

(The gang TRUDGE through the hills towards some MARSHES and Gollum SINGS [don't ask]. Sam is WORRIED that Gollum wants to EAT them - especially since he doesn't LIKE lembas.)

Sam: "We've only got a few supplies left - what's going to happen after we've destroyed the Ring?"

Frodo: "Who cares? We're all gonna die anyway."

* * *

(They TRUDGE through the Dead Marshes for DAYS and see a BLACK RIDER. Frodo starts to NOTICE the RING is getting very HEAVY and Gollum has an ARGUMENT with himself about whether or not to KILL Frodo and Sam.)

* * *

Gollum: "Arrgh! Black Riderss - the Dark Lord iss on to uss!"

(Everyone IGNORES him and they TRUDGE towards MORDOR some MORE.)

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Tags: trudging, singing, worried, eating, black rider, ring, argument, killing, ignoring, Mordor