Book V, Chapter 10: The Two Rodents
Aragorn: "Oi, Sauron, come out and fight, if you think you're hard enough!"
Mouth of Sauron: "Thanks for the two rodents you sent us. Give up or we'll torture them for eternity!"
Gandalf: "Take a hike."
(The Gate OPENS and the HOSTS of MORDOR surround them. The sun goes down, the NAZGÛL show up and the gang know they are going to lose SPECTACULARLY. Beregond is KNOCKED down by a troll-chief who Pippin STABS. Pippin is about to FAINT after nearly being SQUASHED by the troll-chief when he hears people SHOUTING something about Eagles. He FAINTS.)
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Book V, Chapter 7: Pack It In
Gandalf: "Well, I'm not sure if this is in my job description, but I'll take a look."
* * *
(They find a DEAD
Guard; Gandalf says that it's the WORK of Sauron
and then they find Beregond FIGHTING the servants
of Denethor, who is trying to KILL him.)
Gandalf: "All right, all right,
pack it in! If you want to die, at least make
yourself useful and do it on the battlefield."
(It turns out that Denethor's been using a
Palantir and is somewhat MIFFED at the thought of
Aragorn becoming KING. Denethor tries to STAB
Faramir, but Beregond won't LET him, so he
SETTLES for BURNING himself instead. Faramir is
taken to the Houses of Healing; Gandalf FIGURES
out how Denethor was INFLUENCED by Sauron and
TELLS Beregond that he's FIRED.)
Book V, Chapter 6: His Flying Steed
Dernhelm: "Geroff!"
Lord of the Nazgûl: "You can't frighten me! No man can! Ha Ha!"
Dernhelm: "But I am not a man - I am a wo-man!"
(It's Éowyn. The Lord of the NAZGÛL considers this BRIEFLY, while Merry DECIDES to actually do something USEFUL and HELP Éowyn out. The Lord of the NAZGÛL doesn't BOTHER about him, since he's too BUSY going after Éowyn. Éowyn KILLS the Lord of the NAZGÛL's flying STEED and this really ANNOYS him, but as he goes to TEACH Éowyn a LESSON, Merry STABS him from behind. R.I.P. Lord of the NAZGÛL. R.I.P Théoden.)
* * *
Éomer: "Éowyn? What are you
doing here? I though we left you behind! Arrgh!
We're all going to die!"
(R.I.P. Merry's sword. The Riders of Rohan
CARRY Théoden's BODY away; the Men of Gondor are
STUNNED by the sight of a wo-man and they SEND
for AID because she's INJURED. More FIGHTING
happens; then they see SHIPS on the Sea, and
everyone thinks they are ALL going to DIE. Except
for Éomer, who doesn't. He's right. It's Aragorn.
Everyone is HAPPY. They SLAUGHTER the HOSTS of
MORDOR and SING.)
Book IV, Chapter 10: Renders Himself
Sam: "Ooops. Now what?"
(Sam DECIDES to take the RING, Sting and Galadrial's PRESENT and carry on. He doesn't get very FAR and puts on the RING to ESCAPE the Orcs patrolling the area.)
Orcs: "A body! And a really gooey mess!"
Shagrat: "Strip him and send word to Lugburz." (a.k.a. Barad-Dûr, a.k.a. Sauron's Place)
Gorbag: "What's the point? He's kicked it."
Shagrat: "You're a real prat, you know that? He's not dead."
Sam: "Uh-oh..."
(The Orcs put Frodo in the TOP of the TOWER and Sam RENDERS himself unconscious by jumping WILDLY at the door [please don't ask].)
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Book I, Chapter 11: This Place Is Dingy
* * *
Strider: "Snazzy, Weathertop!"
Merry: "This place is dingy."
* * *
Strider: "Arrgh! The Enemy!
Let's light a fire."
Sam: "Won't that give us away?"
(Everyone IGNORES him. Strider tells a very
long STORY about an Elf-woman.)
* * *
Merry: "Eek! Shapes!"
(The BLACK RIDERS attack, Frodo puts the RING
on and gets STABBED. Strider CHASES them off with
FIRE. Frodo FAINTS.)