(Saruman has indeed taken over the Shire. Merry and Pippin, instead of resorting to their usual DEFAULT state of being EFFECTIVELY INEFFECTIVE, spontaneously become BRILLIANT tacticians and lead an ASSAULT on Saruman's Men. They KILL a bunch of them. Sam LEARNS that Rosie is SMITTEN with him. Saruman is in the middle of GLOATING when the terminally deranged Wormtongue KILLS him. The Hobbits, never keen to MISS an opportunity, then KILL Wormtongue.)
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Tags: killing, learning, smitten, opportunity

Frodo: "I was injured a year ago today - the memory is very heavy. Oh where shall I find peace?"

(Gandalf refuses to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER or indeed ANY answer WHATSOEVER. Luckily, Frodo has got OVER it by the next day. They pass Weathertop, Frodo is NERVOUS and eventually they reach Bree. The WELCOME they get is less ENTHUSIASTIC than they EXPECTED.)

Butterbur: "Lots of strange things have been happening. Some killings, a shortage of pipe-weed and bandits on the road."

Gandalf: "Don't worry: the King'll deal with all this stuff."

Butterbur: "Huh?"

Merry: "Do we have to draw you a diagram? Strider is the King."

Butterbur: "Gotcha. Oh yeah, your pony came back."

Sam: "Yippee!"

* * *

(Gandalf SUGGESTS that Saruman could have something to do with the strange EVENTS in the Shire and Merry says it won't be a PROBLEM since Gandalf will be able to fix it.)

Gandalf: "Oh no. Not me. After years of meddling and interfering in what was wrong with other people's lives, I'm off for a holiday. I'm gonna swing by Bombadil's and have a chat. Adios!"

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Tags: straight answer, killing, king

Pippin: "Denethor's out of his mind! He's thinking of doing the Human Barbecue and taking Faramir with him!"

Gandalf: "Well, I'm not sure if this is in my job description, but I'll take a look."

* * *

(They find a DEAD Guard; Gandalf says that it's the WORK of Sauron and then they find Beregond FIGHTING the servants of Denethor, who is trying to KILL him.)

Gandalf: "All right, all right, pack it in! If you want to die, at least make yourself useful and do it on the battlefield."

(It turns out that Denethor's been using a Palantir and is somewhat MIFFED at the thought of Aragorn becoming KING. Denethor tries to STAB Faramir, but Beregond won't LET him, so he SETTLES for BURNING himself instead. Faramir is taken to the Houses of Healing; Gandalf FIGURES out how Denethor was INFLUENCED by Sauron and TELLS Beregond that he's FIRED.)

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Tags: dead, fighting, killing, king, stabbed, influenced

(The Lord of the NAZGÛL scarpers, theorising that DISCRETION is the better part of VALOUR. Théoden gets decidedly NARKED off at seeing the Southeners and goes on a KILLING SPREE. Théoden's horse is HIT by an arrow and the Lord of the NAZGÛL and his flying STEED turn up.)

Dernhelm: "Geroff!"

Lord of the Nazgûl: "You can't frighten me! No man can! Ha Ha!"

Dernhelm: "But I am not a man - I am a wo-man!"

(It's Éowyn. The Lord of the NAZGÛL considers this BRIEFLY, while Merry DECIDES to actually do something USEFUL and HELP Éowyn out. The Lord of the NAZGÛL doesn't BOTHER about him, since he's too BUSY going after Éowyn. Éowyn KILLS the Lord of the NAZGÛL's flying STEED and this really ANNOYS him, but as he goes to TEACH Éowyn a LESSON, Merry STABS him from behind. R.I.P. Lord of the NAZGÛL. R.I.P Théoden.)

* * *

Éomer: "Éowyn? What are you doing here? I though we left you behind! Arrgh! We're all going to die!"

(R.I.P. Merry's sword. The Riders of Rohan CARRY Théoden's BODY away; the Men of Gondor are STUNNED by the sight of a wo-man and they SEND for AID because she's INJURED. More FIGHTING happens; then they see SHIPS on the Sea, and everyone thinks they are ALL going to DIE. Except for Éomer, who doesn't. He's right. It's Aragorn. Everyone is HAPPY. They SLAUGHTER the HOSTS of MORDOR and SING.)

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Tags: narked off, killing, black rider, decision, annoyance, stabbed, fighting, dead, happy, Mordor, singing

(There is a CHANGE in the original PLAN and everyone rides to HELM'S DEEP. There is a BATTLE; Gimli RESCUES Éomer from CERTAIN death and he and Legolas start COMPETING for most KILLS. The Orcs BLAST a hole in the wall.)

Aragorn: "Arrgh!"

(They are losing SPECTACULARLY and everyone RETREATS.)

* * *

Théoden: "Right, that's it! No more Mr. Nice King! At dawn I'm gonna seriously kill me some Orc! You want in?"

Aragorn: "Yup."

* * *

(Aragorn goes OUTSIDE to have a quick GANDER at the opposition.)

Orcs: "We are the fighting Uruk-hai!" [Repeat many times for full effect.]

(Aragorn WARNS them that they are all going to DIE, acts very KINGLY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except the Uruk-hai, who aren't. Then the Riders sound HELM'S HORN and charge, the Orcs are WORRIED and run away. Gandalf turns up with Erkenbrand and finishes off Saruman's ARMY.)

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Tags: plan, battle, rescued, killing, competition, spectacular, warning, dead, impressed, worried

(The gang TRUDGE through the hills towards some MARSHES and Gollum SINGS [don't ask]. Sam is WORRIED that Gollum wants to EAT them - especially since he doesn't LIKE lembas.)

Sam: "We've only got a few supplies left - what's going to happen after we've destroyed the Ring?"

Frodo: "Who cares? We're all gonna die anyway."

* * *

(They TRUDGE through the Dead Marshes for DAYS and see a BLACK RIDER. Frodo starts to NOTICE the RING is getting very HEAVY and Gollum has an ARGUMENT with himself about whether or not to KILL Frodo and Sam.)

* * *

Gollum: "Arrgh! Black Riderss - the Dark Lord iss on to uss!"

(Everyone IGNORES him and they TRUDGE towards MORDOR some MORE.)

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Tags: trudging, singing, worried, eating, black rider, ring, argument, killing, ignoring, Mordor

Gandalf: "...So, basically, Orcs came in and slaughtered everyone."

(They are AMBUSHED by Orcs and Frodo is nearly SKEWERED.)

Frodo: "I'm okay."

Aragorn: "I thought you'd kicked it!"

Gandalf: "Me too!"

Frodo: "Whatever."

* * *

(Then the Balrog ATTACKS them; Gandalf DIES and Aragorn gets to play LEADER. They RUN outside, KILL some more Orcs and CRY.)

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Tags: ambushed, skewered, attack, dead, leader, killing, crying