(Dwaves like CAVES and PRECIOUS metals. They also have a HABIT of ANNOYING large flying MONSTERS. Sauron is decidedly NARKED because he cannot CORRUPT them easily. Moria, their most IMPRESSIVE kingdom, is over-run by Orcs, so they all get into a BIG FIGHT and remove LOTS of each other's HEADS. Dwarf-women are in short SUPPLY and are not very ADVENTUROUS [don't ask].)

Tolkien: "If you want to know more about Dwarves and Dragons, read The Hobbit."

Gandalf: "If it weren't for me forcing Bilbo on the Dwarves, we'd have been screwed in Gondor. Who's your Daddy?"

(Gimli is the only Dwarf to really GET ON with an Elf (Legolas), when Aragorn DIES they SAIL to Valinor. Gimli only GETS IN because of Galadrial [don't ask].)

The Line of the Dwarves of Erebor as it was invented by Gimli, Glóin's son for King Elessar [that's Aragorn]

(A family-tree of UNWIELDY and INTERCHANGEABLE names and dates.)

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Tags: annoyance, narked off, impressed, fighting, Tolkien, dead, don't ask

(Aragorn's FATHER, Arathorn, dies YOUNG(ISH) so his MOTHER, Gilraen, MOVES IN with Elrond. Who LOVES Aragorn like a SON, calls him Estel but doesn't TELL him that he is rightful King of Gondor. Elrond TELLS him all this when he is TWENTY and has been on a WORLD TOUR with Elrond's SONS.)

Elrond: "Have this ring and the Shards of Narsil. You're going to live for a long time, unless you get killed sooner. You can't have the Sceptre of Annuminas yet because you're not old enough."

* * *

(The next DAY, Aragorn goes for a WALK, SINGS and thinks he's seen a LEGENDARY Elf-maiden - but actually it's only Elrond's DAUGHTER, Arwen.)

Aragorn: "Daughter, huh? Where's he been keeping you?"

Arwen: "Lothlórien."

(Aragorn is PUT OUT that she's OLDER than him, but FALLS in LOVE anyway.)

* * *

Gilraen: "Stop pinning for Arwen - you haven't got a hope."

Aragorn: "It's not fair!"

Elrond: "Aragorn, give it up. Not only are you going to be in big trouble when you get older, but Arwen is too good for you and she knows it. Anyway, I'm leaving Middle-earth soon and she's coming with me."

Aragorn: "Damn."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES into the wild, FIGHTS Sauron, MEETS Gandalf and becomes UGLY [don't ask]. Eventually, he goes to Lothlórien and gets DRESSED up; Arwen is SMITTEN and BINDS herself [not literally] to him, resolving to get HITCHED at some point in the DISTANT future. Elrond FINDS out and is very ANNOYED.)

Elrond: "No way - not unless you're King of Gondor and Arnor."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES off once more and his MOTHER dies. The War of the RING occurs, Aragorn WINS the Battle of the Fields of Pelennor and becomes KING of Gondor and Arnor. When the RING is DESTROYED Elrond LEAVES and Arwen hangs around as QUEEN of Gondor for 60 YEARS. Aragorn eventually KICKS it, after handing Gondor and Arnor over to his SON, Eldarion. Arwen GRIEVES, goes to Lothlórien for the WINTER but no-one's HOME, so she DIES.)

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Tags: king, singing, trudging, fighting, don't ask, smitten, marriage, annoyance, ring, leaving, dead

(The Lord of the NAZGÛL scarpers, theorising that DISCRETION is the better part of VALOUR. Théoden gets decidedly NARKED off at seeing the Southeners and goes on a KILLING SPREE. Théoden's horse is HIT by an arrow and the Lord of the NAZGÛL and his flying STEED turn up.)

Dernhelm: "Geroff!"

Lord of the Nazgûl: "You can't frighten me! No man can! Ha Ha!"

Dernhelm: "But I am not a man - I am a wo-man!"

(It's Éowyn. The Lord of the NAZGÛL considers this BRIEFLY, while Merry DECIDES to actually do something USEFUL and HELP Éowyn out. The Lord of the NAZGÛL doesn't BOTHER about him, since he's too BUSY going after Éowyn. Éowyn KILLS the Lord of the NAZGÛL's flying STEED and this really ANNOYS him, but as he goes to TEACH Éowyn a LESSON, Merry STABS him from behind. R.I.P. Lord of the NAZGÛL. R.I.P Théoden.)

* * *

Éomer: "Éowyn? What are you doing here? I though we left you behind! Arrgh! We're all going to die!"

(R.I.P. Merry's sword. The Riders of Rohan CARRY Théoden's BODY away; the Men of Gondor are STUNNED by the sight of a wo-man and they SEND for AID because she's INJURED. More FIGHTING happens; then they see SHIPS on the Sea, and everyone thinks they are ALL going to DIE. Except for Éomer, who doesn't. He's right. It's Aragorn. Everyone is HAPPY. They SLAUGHTER the HOSTS of MORDOR and SING.)

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Tags: narked off, killing, black rider, decision, annoyance, stabbed, fighting, dead, happy, Mordor, singing

(Gollum LEADS them into an incredibly SMELLY tunnel and ABANDONS them. They get ATTACKED by a very BIG spider.)

Sam: "Arrgh!"

(They ESCAPE thanks to the PRESENT that Galadrial gave to Frodo, but now the spider is really ANNOYED and comes after them. Gollum TRIES to STRANGLE Sam, but ends up running AWAY with a rather NASTY back injury [don't ask].)
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Tags: smelly, attack, escape, presents, annoyance, strangled, don't ask

(The Riders of Rohan reach Dunharrow and Théoden INSISTS on joining the EXPEDITION. They get NEWS of Gandalf and a BLACK RIDER and Éwoyn is still UNHAPPY about Aragorn taking the Paths of the Dead.)

Éomer: "We've had it."

(Merry is CONFUSED about why everyone is so UPSET, ASKS about the Paths of the Dead and FINALLY gets a TASTE of how it FEELS not to get a STRAIGHT ANSWER.)

* * *

(Théoden RECIEVES the Red Arrow from Gondor and TELLS the messenger (Hirgon) that it will take a WEEK for the Riders of Rohan to come Gondor's RESCUE.)

Hirgon: "We're all going to be dead by then - still you might give the Orcs and Southerners a nasty shock."

Théoden: "True, true."

* * *

(Merry is ANNOYED at the idea of being left BEHIND, falls ASLEEP and wakes up to FIND that DARKNESS has FLOWED out of MORDOR [don't ask]. Théoden ORDERS the Muster of Rohan; Merry gets some ARMOUR and the Riders of Rohan SING. Merry is ORDERED to stay with Éowyn, but a Rider (Dernhelm) has a PROVERB to SHARE and OFFERS to HIDE him under his CLOAK [don't ask] and take him to war.)

Merry: "Yippee!"

(Dernhelm's horse isn't too BOTHERED about the extra WEIGHT because Dernhelm is SMALLER than MOST. As they get CLOSER to Gondor, everyone gets DEPRESSED.)

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Tags: insistence, black rider, confusion, straight answer, annoyance, Mordor, don't ask, singing, proverbs, depressed

(Frodo, Sam and Gollum TRUDGE south; the SCENERY is much nicer and they take a BREAK.)

Sam: "Oi! Gollum, food, now!"

* * *

Sam: "Ohh, coneys." [Rabbits.]

(He STEWS the rabbits, much to Gollum's ANNOYANCE. Sam GRUMBLES about the LACK of potatoes.)

* * *

Frodo: "Voices!"

Faramir: "I'm Faramir, Captain of these very well camouflaged men here - we are from Gondor."

Frodo: "I'm Frodo, this is Sam and we knew a dude called Boromir of Gondor."

Soldiers: "Boromir! Boromir! Boromir!" [Echo effect necessary.]

Faramir: "Fascinating! I'd like to stay and chat but we've got to dash - lots of killing to do. I'll leave two guards and talk to you later!"

* * *

(Frodo CHATS with the guards, LEARNS that the Men of the South are EVIL and there is a BIG fight.)

Sam: "An Oliphaunt! Cool! I'm off to sleep."

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Tags: trudging, eating, annoyance, grumbling, chatting, learning, fighting

(The Council of Elrond is CALLED. The only NEW people of LONG-STANDING importance are:

• Gimli (DWARF)
• Legolas (ELF)
• Boromir (HUMAN)

Frodo LEARNS that Elrond is very OLD, that Isildur was a PRAT and Strider is a KING. Called Aragorn.)

* * *

Strider / Aragorn: "So, you want me to come and rule Gondor?"

Boromir: "We'd rather just have your sword."

Aragorn / Strider: "Tough."

* * *

(There is more DISCUSSION and Gandalf SPEAKS the language of MORDOR, much to everyone's ANNOYANCE. Frodo also LEARNS that the Elves of Mirkwood are USELESS.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Saruman is evil; he kidnapped me but I was rescued by an Eagle."

(Boromir wants to use the RING but is told "No!". NO-ONE wants to go to MORDOR; Frodo VOLUNTEERS and the rest of the COUNCIL heave a sigh of RELIEF. Sam INSISTS on GOING and Elrond makes a SARCASTIC comment. Sam GRUMBLES.)

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Tags: old, prat, king, discussion, speech, annoyance, learning, useless, ring, Mordor, relief, insistence, sarcasm, grumbling