(Dwaves like CAVES and PRECIOUS metals. They also have a HABIT of ANNOYING large flying MONSTERS. Sauron is decidedly NARKED because he cannot CORRUPT them easily. Moria, their most IMPRESSIVE kingdom, is over-run by Orcs, so they all get into a BIG FIGHT and remove LOTS of each other's HEADS. Dwarf-women are in short SUPPLY and are not very ADVENTUROUS [don't ask].)

Tolkien: "If you want to know more about Dwarves and Dragons, read The Hobbit."

Gandalf: "If it weren't for me forcing Bilbo on the Dwarves, we'd have been screwed in Gondor. Who's your Daddy?"

(Gimli is the only Dwarf to really GET ON with an Elf (Legolas), when Aragorn DIES they SAIL to Valinor. Gimli only GETS IN because of Galadrial [don't ask].)

The Line of the Dwarves of Erebor as it was invented by Gimli, Glóin's son for King Elessar [that's Aragorn]

(A family-tree of UNWIELDY and INTERCHANGEABLE names and dates.)

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Tags: annoyance, narked off, impressed, fighting, Tolkien, dead, don't ask

(Aragorn's FATHER, Arathorn, dies YOUNG(ISH) so his MOTHER, Gilraen, MOVES IN with Elrond. Who LOVES Aragorn like a SON, calls him Estel but doesn't TELL him that he is rightful King of Gondor. Elrond TELLS him all this when he is TWENTY and has been on a WORLD TOUR with Elrond's SONS.)

Elrond: "Have this ring and the Shards of Narsil. You're going to live for a long time, unless you get killed sooner. You can't have the Sceptre of Annuminas yet because you're not old enough."

* * *

(The next DAY, Aragorn goes for a WALK, SINGS and thinks he's seen a LEGENDARY Elf-maiden - but actually it's only Elrond's DAUGHTER, Arwen.)

Aragorn: "Daughter, huh? Where's he been keeping you?"

Arwen: "Lothlórien."

(Aragorn is PUT OUT that she's OLDER than him, but FALLS in LOVE anyway.)

* * *

Gilraen: "Stop pinning for Arwen - you haven't got a hope."

Aragorn: "It's not fair!"

Elrond: "Aragorn, give it up. Not only are you going to be in big trouble when you get older, but Arwen is too good for you and she knows it. Anyway, I'm leaving Middle-earth soon and she's coming with me."

Aragorn: "Damn."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES into the wild, FIGHTS Sauron, MEETS Gandalf and becomes UGLY [don't ask]. Eventually, he goes to Lothlórien and gets DRESSED up; Arwen is SMITTEN and BINDS herself [not literally] to him, resolving to get HITCHED at some point in the DISTANT future. Elrond FINDS out and is very ANNOYED.)

Elrond: "No way - not unless you're King of Gondor and Arnor."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES off once more and his MOTHER dies. The War of the RING occurs, Aragorn WINS the Battle of the Fields of Pelennor and becomes KING of Gondor and Arnor. When the RING is DESTROYED Elrond LEAVES and Arwen hangs around as QUEEN of Gondor for 60 YEARS. Aragorn eventually KICKS it, after handing Gondor and Arnor over to his SON, Eldarion. Arwen GRIEVES, goes to Lothlórien for the WINTER but no-one's HOME, so she DIES.)

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Tags: king, singing, trudging, fighting, don't ask, smitten, marriage, annoyance, ring, leaving, dead

(Once Anárion DIES, KIDS start to be in short SUPPLY [don't ask] and GREED and DECADENCE abound.)

Source: "Kings came and went, but for Sauron it was a case of 'veni, vidi, vici, dude' [or would have been if Latin had been around then]."

(The Dúnedain start getting HITCHED to foreigners [don't ask]. Another PLAGUE strikes and Men are in short SUPPLY so they stop GUARDING Mordor.)

Sauron: "Opportunity knocks..."

(Wainriders ATTACK from the East, Sauron gives them a PEP-TALK and they REALLY give it some WELLY. The Wainriders are too SELF-SATISFIED and SMUG, yet COCKY, and Eärnil (Captain of the Southern Army) sends them PACKING.)

Source: "Arveduri was the direct descendant of Isildur, but the Council of Gondor didn't want him because he wasn't the direct descendant of Anárion [don't ask]. So they gave the job to Eärnil, who wasn't the direct descendent of either. Big mistake. Arvedui needed help when the Witch-king [the Lord of the Nazgûl, remember?] attacked, so Eärnil sent his son, Eärnur, but his timing was off. R.I.P. Arveduri. Better late than never, Eärnur then KICKED the Witch-king's ARSE. Then Eärnur and Glorfindel went on a killing-spree, but Eärnur's horse embarrassed him [don't ask] when the Witch-king turned up. Glorfindel [remember him? Book I, Chapter XII] charged at the Witch-king, who scarpered. Eärnur was decidedly narked but Glorfindel restrained him thus:

Glorfindel: "Whoa there big fella, we're not going to be the ones to kill him - maybe someone shorter... well, not a Man, anyway."

Source: "How prophetic."

* * *

Source: "Minas Ithil was kidnapped by the Nazgûl and renamed Minas Morgul. Eärnur was good at fighting but he was also a bit of a thickie, so when the Lord of the Nazgûl [the Witch-king, remember?] taunted him, he trudged off to prove his manliness. R.I.P. Eärnur. As the descendants of the kings had senselessly slaughtered themselves by this point, the Steward (Mardil) got the job."

The Stewards

(IMPORTANT Ruling Stewards are:

• Cirion - gives Eorl (the LEADER of the Rohirrim) a LARGE chunk of land, which they call Rohan.
• Ecthelion II - has an INFALLIBLE advisor called Thorongil, although no-one has a CLUE where he comes from. He likes Gandalf. A LOT.
• Denethor II - doesn't like Gandalf, goes MAD and does the HUMAN BARBECUE [don't ask]; his eldest SON Boromir also goes MAD and ends up looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask].
• Faramir - is the only SANE one in the entire BUNCH and he doesn't get to RULE for long. [Two measly weeks to be precise, not even worth a MENTION in the list of Stewards. Poor sod].)

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Tags: dead, don't ask, marriage, attack, black rider, pin-cushion, bunch

Source: "Eriador was big but Arnor was bigger."

The North-kingdom and the Dúnedain

(The next eight KINGS after Isildur and Anárion SQUABBLE about who OWNS what and everyone wants Weathertop because it has a CRYSTAL-BALL SHAPED Palantir-thingy.)

Source: "The Witch-king [aka The Lord of the Nazgûl] tries world domination. Then there was war, plague, more war, and Snowmen. Elrond held on to the heirlooms of Gondor and the Dúnedain became Rangers. Orcs multiplied indiscriminately and indiscriminately attacked people. The Line of Kings was restored by Aragorn, son of Arathorn who became King of Gondor and Arnor, but decreed that none of the Big People with should pass the borders of the Shire. But he still shows up at the border for a chat now and then. One of Sam's daughters works for Arwen."

(The Men of Gondor die QUICKER than they used to [bummer], but Aragorn keeps going like the PROVERBIAL Duracell BATTERY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for his SUBJECTS, who aren't, since they're dropping like FLIES. In hot weather.)

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Tags: king, black rider, impressed, dead, proverbs

(In Minas Tirith, Éowyn is a walking cloud of DEPRESSION because Aragorn isn't INTERESTED. Faramir, on the other hand, most definitely IS. When the Eagles drop by and say that Sauron, enemy of the Free People of Middle Earth, has KICKED IT and Aragorn has TRIUMPHED, everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Éowyn, who isn't. Faramir talks some SENSE into her and surprisingly she AGREES that they should get HITCHED. Aragorn comes back, is crowned KING, plants a TREE and Elrond turns up. Aragorn and Arwen also get HITCHED.)
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Tags: depressed, dead, impressed, marriage, king, tree

(Frodo and Sam TRUDGE towards MOUNT DOOM. Then they TRUDGE some more. Sam ARGUES with himself because no-one else will LISTEN, realises they actually are going to DIE and gives Frodo a PIGGY-BACK ride up the volcano. Gollum ATTACKS them, Frodo reaches the CRACKS OF DOOM and Sauron starts to get a BAD feeling.)

Sauron: "Right under my flaming nose!"

(Frodo is POSSESSED by the RING and, putting it on, is UNABLE to shake it off [sic].)

Frodo: "Actually, thinking about it, maybe I won't melt nice shiny Ring...."

(Then Gollum turns up and unwittingly SAVES the day by BITING off Frodo's FINGER. He JUMPS for JOY, trips, and PLUNGES to a FIERY death in the FIRES below. The RING accompanies him. R.I.P. Gollum. R.I.P. Frodo's finger. R.I.P. The RING.)

Sam: "Ouch, that's got to hurt."

Frodo: "Whatever. Time to die."

(Sam is oddly HAPPY about their IMPENDING deaths.)
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Tags: trudging, argument, dead, attack, ring, unable, fires, happy

Pippin: "Denethor's out of his mind! He's thinking of doing the Human Barbecue and taking Faramir with him!"

Gandalf: "Well, I'm not sure if this is in my job description, but I'll take a look."

* * *

(They find a DEAD Guard; Gandalf says that it's the WORK of Sauron and then they find Beregond FIGHTING the servants of Denethor, who is trying to KILL him.)

Gandalf: "All right, all right, pack it in! If you want to die, at least make yourself useful and do it on the battlefield."

(It turns out that Denethor's been using a Palantir and is somewhat MIFFED at the thought of Aragorn becoming KING. Denethor tries to STAB Faramir, but Beregond won't LET him, so he SETTLES for BURNING himself instead. Faramir is taken to the Houses of Healing; Gandalf FIGURES out how Denethor was INFLUENCED by Sauron and TELLS Beregond that he's FIRED.)

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Tags: dead, fighting, killing, king, stabbed, influenced

(The Lord of the NAZGÛL scarpers, theorising that DISCRETION is the better part of VALOUR. Théoden gets decidedly NARKED off at seeing the Southeners and goes on a KILLING SPREE. Théoden's horse is HIT by an arrow and the Lord of the NAZGÛL and his flying STEED turn up.)

Dernhelm: "Geroff!"

Lord of the Nazgûl: "You can't frighten me! No man can! Ha Ha!"

Dernhelm: "But I am not a man - I am a wo-man!"

(It's Éowyn. The Lord of the NAZGÛL considers this BRIEFLY, while Merry DECIDES to actually do something USEFUL and HELP Éowyn out. The Lord of the NAZGÛL doesn't BOTHER about him, since he's too BUSY going after Éowyn. Éowyn KILLS the Lord of the NAZGÛL's flying STEED and this really ANNOYS him, but as he goes to TEACH Éowyn a LESSON, Merry STABS him from behind. R.I.P. Lord of the NAZGÛL. R.I.P Théoden.)

* * *

Éomer: "Éowyn? What are you doing here? I though we left you behind! Arrgh! We're all going to die!"

(R.I.P. Merry's sword. The Riders of Rohan CARRY Théoden's BODY away; the Men of Gondor are STUNNED by the sight of a wo-man and they SEND for AID because she's INJURED. More FIGHTING happens; then they see SHIPS on the Sea, and everyone thinks they are ALL going to DIE. Except for Éomer, who doesn't. He's right. It's Aragorn. Everyone is HAPPY. They SLAUGHTER the HOSTS of MORDOR and SING.)

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Tags: narked off, killing, black rider, decision, annoyance, stabbed, fighting, dead, happy, Mordor, singing

(Sam EVENTUALLY picks himself up off the FLOOR, finds another WAY into the tower and discovers a LOT of DEAD Orcs. The RING starts to POSSESS him but he RESISTS it in the followsing manner:)

Sam: "Possession? Ha! I laugh in the face of possession!"

(He uses Galadrial's PRESENT to get past the stone WATCHERS at the door. He searches some MORE, SINGS and finds Frodo BUTT naked and being WHIPPED [don't ask] by an Orc called Snaga. This decidedly NARKS Sam off. R.I.P. Snaga.)

Frodo: "Oooh, what happened?"

Sam: "Don't ask."

(Sam thus takes the opportunity of not giving Frodo a STRIAGHT ANSWER. Frodo WHINES about losing the RING. Sam CASUALLY explains that he has the RING. Frodo takes the opportunity to INSULT him, then unconvincingly BLAMES it on the RING and they DECK themselves out in Orc gear.)

Sam: "We've got to get out of here!"

Frodo: "Never mind that, we need food."

(They EAT and use Galadrial's PRESENT again. A BLACK RIDER turns up and does NOTHING.)
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Tags: dead, ring, presents, singing, don't ask, narked off, straight answer, opportunity, whining, insults, black rider, eating

(Merry is LONELY and the Wild Men OFFER to lead the Riders to Minas Tirith by the only UNOCCUPIED road left. They FIND out that the MESSENGERS they sent to Gondor are DEAD and Théoden is WORRIED that Denethor will not know they're COMING, but Éomer takes the opportunity to CONSOLE him with a PROVERB. They arrive just in TIME to see the Gate give way; Merry QUESTIONS the wisdom of coming after all, Théoden URGES his men on with a SONG and then the REST of the Riders SING as they FIGHT.)
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Tags: lonely, dead, worried, opportunity, proverbs, singing, fighting

(Frodo isn't looking too HOT; Sam ATTACKS the spider (Shelob) and STABS it (her) in the STOMACH. It (she) runs OFF. Finally, it DAWNS on Sam that Frodo is DEAD.)

Sam: "Ooops. Now what?"

(Sam DECIDES to take the RING, Sting and Galadrial's PRESENT and carry on. He doesn't get very FAR and puts on the RING to ESCAPE the Orcs patrolling the area.)

Orcs: "A body! And a really gooey mess!"

Shagrat: "Strip him and send word to Lugburz." (a.k.a. Barad-Dûr, a.k.a. Sauron's Place)

Gorbag: "What's the point? He's kicked it."

Shagrat: "You're a real prat, you know that? He's not dead."

Sam: "Uh-oh..."

(The Orcs put Frodo in the TOP of the TOWER and Sam RENDERS himself unconscious by jumping WILDLY at the door [please don't ask].)
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Tags: attack, stabbed, dead, decision, ring, presents, escape, don't ask

(Aragorn, Théoden, Legolas, Gimli, Merry and the Riders of Rohan RIDE towards EDORAS and meet the Rangers. Arwen sends Aragorn a PRESENT, Legolas looks TROUBLED, and Merry swears LOYALTY to Théoden and becomes an esquire. Aragorn SURPRISES everyone by ANNOUNCING that he's going to Gondor by the Paths of the Dead; Gimli SCOLDES him for using the Palantir and contacting Sauron but Aragorn SAYS he acted ROYALLY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Sauron, who probably wasn't.)

* * *

(Due to being SMITTEN with Aragorn, Éowyn visits him in the NIGHT [don't ask].)

Éowyn: "Will you take me with you?"

Aragorn: "Nope."

* * *

(Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and the Rangers (The Grey Company) TRUDGE through the Paths of the Dead; Gimli GRUMBLES about being SCARED and Legolas TALKS to the horses. The Company LEAVES the Paths of the Dead, but are FOLLOWED by some dead warriors [don't ask].)

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Tags: presents, troubled, loyalty, surprise, kingly, impressed, smitten, don't ask, trudging, scarded, leaving, dead

(There is a CHANGE in the original PLAN and everyone rides to HELM'S DEEP. There is a BATTLE; Gimli RESCUES Éomer from CERTAIN death and he and Legolas start COMPETING for most KILLS. The Orcs BLAST a hole in the wall.)

Aragorn: "Arrgh!"

(They are losing SPECTACULARLY and everyone RETREATS.)

* * *

Théoden: "Right, that's it! No more Mr. Nice King! At dawn I'm gonna seriously kill me some Orc! You want in?"

Aragorn: "Yup."

* * *

(Aragorn goes OUTSIDE to have a quick GANDER at the opposition.)

Orcs: "We are the fighting Uruk-hai!" [Repeat many times for full effect.]

(Aragorn WARNS them that they are all going to DIE, acts very KINGLY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except the Uruk-hai, who aren't. Then the Riders sound HELM'S HORN and charge, the Orcs are WORRIED and run away. Gandalf turns up with Erkenbrand and finishes off Saruman's ARMY.)

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Tags: plan, battle, rescued, killing, competition, spectacular, warning, dead, impressed, worried

Rider of Rohan: "By the way, we've become very xenophobic recently - hey, are those our horses?"

Aragorn: "Yup."

* * *

(Later, the DOORMAN (Háma) wants to take their WEAPONS; Aragorn doesn't want to give up his SWORD and Gandalf wants to keep his STAFF. Finally, Aragorn gives in and Háma takes the OPPORTUNITY to share a PROVERB. Gandalf gets to keep his STAFF. Théoden doesn't look too HOT [don't ask].)

Gandalf: "I'm back!"

Théoden: "Do I look happy to see you?"

(Wormtongue says that Théoden’s son is DEAD and that Éomer can't be TRUSTED. He and Gandalf take the OPPORTUNITY to swap PROVERBS and Gandalf SINGS.)

Gandalf: "You gonna listen to me now?"

Théoden: "Sure."

(Éowyn arrives, SAYS and DOES nothing and is QUICKLY sent away again by Gandalf. Éomer is RELEASED from prison, Théoden is FILLED IN in on recent EVENTS and LEARNS that Wormtongue is a TRAITOR. Éowyn is SMITTEN with Aragorn and Théoden can't THINK of anyone to RULE Rohan for a bit until Háma remembers and suggests Éowyn. Everyone else RIDES out towards Isengard.)

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Tags: sword, opportunity, proverbs, staff, don't ask, dead, trust, singing, learning, traitor, smitten

(Merry and Pippin RUN a lot with a bunch of Orcs from MORDOR and Saruman's Uruk-hai from ISENGARD, who BICKER amongst themselves and get AMBUSHED by the Riders of Rohan. Merry and Pippin ESCAPE into FANGORN FOREST and all the Orcs DIE.)
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Tags: bunch, Mordor, bickering, ambushed, escape, dead

(They are AMBUSHED by Orcs, who KIDNAP Merry and Pippin. Aragorn HEARS the Horn of Gondor and FINDS Boromir looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask]. He promises to RESCUE Minas Tirith; Boromir DIES and Aragorn WHINES.)

Legolas: "Ooops."

(They send Boromir's BODY downstream in a BOAT and Legolas and Aragorn take turns SINGING. After some SOUL-SEARCHING they follow the Orcs and Aragorn SPRINGS forward like a DEER [definitely don't ask].)
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Tags: ambushed, kidnapping, pin-cushion, don't ask, dead, whining, boats, singing, soul-searching, deer

Gandalf: "...So, basically, Orcs came in and slaughtered everyone."

(They are AMBUSHED by Orcs and Frodo is nearly SKEWERED.)

Frodo: "I'm okay."

Aragorn: "I thought you'd kicked it!"

Gandalf: "Me too!"

Frodo: "Whatever."

* * *

(Then the Balrog ATTACKS them; Gandalf DIES and Aragorn gets to play LEADER. They RUN outside, KILL some more Orcs and CRY.)

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Tags: ambushed, skewered, attack, dead, leader, killing, crying

(There is a big ARGUMENT about whether they should go through the mines of MORIA. They DECIDE to do so and Aragorn and Boromir take the OPPORTUNITY to swap PROVERBS. Later, a PACK of WARGS attack and the gang kill a BUNCH of them.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Moria!"

(Legolas and Gimli BICKER about whose RACE fell out with whose FIRST. They find the DOOR but Gandalf can't OPEN it.)

Boromir: "You're not a very good wizard, are you?"

Gandalf: "Boromir, don't be a prat."

* * *

(Finally, the DOOR opens, Frodo is attacked by the WATCHER, they RUN inside the MINES and it closes the DOOR.)

Gandalf: "There go our options."

(They TRUDGE through MORIA, Sam WHINES about Bill (his PONY) a lot and they LEARN that Gimli's cousin is DEAD.)

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Tags: argument, decision, opportunity, proverbs, pack, bunch, bickering, trudging, pony, learning, dead