(Aragorn's FATHER, Arathorn, dies YOUNG(ISH) so his MOTHER, Gilraen, MOVES IN with Elrond. Who LOVES Aragorn like a SON, calls him Estel but doesn't TELL him that he is rightful King of Gondor. Elrond TELLS him all this when he is TWENTY and has been on a WORLD TOUR with Elrond's SONS.)

Elrond: "Have this ring and the Shards of Narsil. You're going to live for a long time, unless you get killed sooner. You can't have the Sceptre of Annuminas yet because you're not old enough."

* * *

(The next DAY, Aragorn goes for a WALK, SINGS and thinks he's seen a LEGENDARY Elf-maiden - but actually it's only Elrond's DAUGHTER, Arwen.)

Aragorn: "Daughter, huh? Where's he been keeping you?"

Arwen: "Lothlórien."

(Aragorn is PUT OUT that she's OLDER than him, but FALLS in LOVE anyway.)

* * *

Gilraen: "Stop pinning for Arwen - you haven't got a hope."

Aragorn: "It's not fair!"

Elrond: "Aragorn, give it up. Not only are you going to be in big trouble when you get older, but Arwen is too good for you and she knows it. Anyway, I'm leaving Middle-earth soon and she's coming with me."

Aragorn: "Damn."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES into the wild, FIGHTS Sauron, MEETS Gandalf and becomes UGLY [don't ask]. Eventually, he goes to Lothlórien and gets DRESSED up; Arwen is SMITTEN and BINDS herself [not literally] to him, resolving to get HITCHED at some point in the DISTANT future. Elrond FINDS out and is very ANNOYED.)

Elrond: "No way - not unless you're King of Gondor and Arnor."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES off once more and his MOTHER dies. The War of the RING occurs, Aragorn WINS the Battle of the Fields of Pelennor and becomes KING of Gondor and Arnor. When the RING is DESTROYED Elrond LEAVES and Arwen hangs around as QUEEN of Gondor for 60 YEARS. Aragorn eventually KICKS it, after handing Gondor and Arnor over to his SON, Eldarion. Arwen GRIEVES, goes to Lothlórien for the WINTER but no-one's HOME, so she DIES.)

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Tags: king, singing, trudging, fighting, don't ask, smitten, marriage, annoyance, ring, leaving, dead

Source: "Eriador was big but Arnor was bigger."

The North-kingdom and the Dúnedain

(The next eight KINGS after Isildur and Anárion SQUABBLE about who OWNS what and everyone wants Weathertop because it has a CRYSTAL-BALL SHAPED Palantir-thingy.)

Source: "The Witch-king [aka The Lord of the Nazgûl] tries world domination. Then there was war, plague, more war, and Snowmen. Elrond held on to the heirlooms of Gondor and the Dúnedain became Rangers. Orcs multiplied indiscriminately and indiscriminately attacked people. The Line of Kings was restored by Aragorn, son of Arathorn who became King of Gondor and Arnor, but decreed that none of the Big People with should pass the borders of the Shire. But he still shows up at the border for a chat now and then. One of Sam's daughters works for Arwen."

(The Men of Gondor die QUICKER than they used to [bummer], but Aragorn keeps going like the PROVERBIAL Duracell BATTERY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for his SUBJECTS, who aren't, since they're dropping like FLIES. In hot weather.)

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Tags: king, black rider, impressed, dead, proverbs

(Feanor (Eldar [= Elf]) MAKES three Silmarilli; they are like LIGHT-BULBS. Morgoth KIDNAPS them and HIDES them in his FORTRESS on Middle-earth. Feanor and the Eldar try to RESCUE them; they meet the Edain (Men) and become best BUDDIES. They lose to Morgoth SPECTACULARLY.

Six of the Eldar and the Edain get HITCHED over the years:

• Lúthien Tinúviel and Beren
• Idril and Tuor
• Arwen and Aragorn.

They all become very interbred but it breaks down like this:

• Lúthien (Eldar [= Elf]) and Beren (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Dior and a DAUGHTER, Elwing.
• Idril (Eldar [= Elf]) and Tuor (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Eärendil.
• Eärendil gets HITCHED to Elwing and OVERTHROWS Morgoth. They have two SONS, Elros and Elrond.)

Tolkien (aside): "If you really want to know what happens to the Silmarilli, read The Silmarillion."

(The Edain get their own PAD called Númenor; they live for a LONG time, but want MORE. Some KING or other with an UNPRONOUNCEABLE name tries to DEFEAT Sauron, who PLAYS up to the KING'S ego and turns the Númenoreans EVIL. R.I.P. Númenor. Elendil and his SONS, Isildur and Anárion, are really the only ones of IMPORTANCE in later Númenorean HISTORY. They LAND on Middle-earth and set up Arnor and Gondor. Elendil RULES the North, while his SONS RULE the South: they build a few CITIES bordering MORDOR and BELIEVE Sauron has SNUFFED it. They are WRONG. In the following war, the Last Alliance KICKS Sauron's ARSE and Isidur takes the One RING. R.I.P. the Second Age.)
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Tags: kidnapping, spectacular, marriage, overthrow, king, Mordor, Tolkien

Frodo: "I was injured a year ago today - the memory is very heavy. Oh where shall I find peace?"

(Gandalf refuses to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER or indeed ANY answer WHATSOEVER. Luckily, Frodo has got OVER it by the next day. They pass Weathertop, Frodo is NERVOUS and eventually they reach Bree. The WELCOME they get is less ENTHUSIASTIC than they EXPECTED.)

Butterbur: "Lots of strange things have been happening. Some killings, a shortage of pipe-weed and bandits on the road."

Gandalf: "Don't worry: the King'll deal with all this stuff."

Butterbur: "Huh?"

Merry: "Do we have to draw you a diagram? Strider is the King."

Butterbur: "Gotcha. Oh yeah, your pony came back."

Sam: "Yippee!"

* * *

(Gandalf SUGGESTS that Saruman could have something to do with the strange EVENTS in the Shire and Merry says it won't be a PROBLEM since Gandalf will be able to fix it.)

Gandalf: "Oh no. Not me. After years of meddling and interfering in what was wrong with other people's lives, I'm off for a holiday. I'm gonna swing by Bombadil's and have a chat. Adios!"

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Tags: straight answer, killing, king

(In Minas Tirith, Éowyn is a walking cloud of DEPRESSION because Aragorn isn't INTERESTED. Faramir, on the other hand, most definitely IS. When the Eagles drop by and say that Sauron, enemy of the Free People of Middle Earth, has KICKED IT and Aragorn has TRIUMPHED, everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Éowyn, who isn't. Faramir talks some SENSE into her and surprisingly she AGREES that they should get HITCHED. Aragorn comes back, is crowned KING, plants a TREE and Elrond turns up. Aragorn and Arwen also get HITCHED.)
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Tags: depressed, dead, impressed, marriage, king, tree

Pippin: "Denethor's out of his mind! He's thinking of doing the Human Barbecue and taking Faramir with him!"

Gandalf: "Well, I'm not sure if this is in my job description, but I'll take a look."

* * *

(They find a DEAD Guard; Gandalf says that it's the WORK of Sauron and then they find Beregond FIGHTING the servants of Denethor, who is trying to KILL him.)

Gandalf: "All right, all right, pack it in! If you want to die, at least make yourself useful and do it on the battlefield."

(It turns out that Denethor's been using a Palantir and is somewhat MIFFED at the thought of Aragorn becoming KING. Denethor tries to STAB Faramir, but Beregond won't LET him, so he SETTLES for BURNING himself instead. Faramir is taken to the Houses of Healing; Gandalf FIGURES out how Denethor was INFLUENCED by Sauron and TELLS Beregond that he's FIRED.)

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Tags: dead, fighting, killing, king, stabbed, influenced

(The Council of Elrond is CALLED. The only NEW people of LONG-STANDING importance are:

• Gimli (DWARF)
• Legolas (ELF)
• Boromir (HUMAN)

Frodo LEARNS that Elrond is very OLD, that Isildur was a PRAT and Strider is a KING. Called Aragorn.)

* * *

Strider / Aragorn: "So, you want me to come and rule Gondor?"

Boromir: "We'd rather just have your sword."

Aragorn / Strider: "Tough."

* * *

(There is more DISCUSSION and Gandalf SPEAKS the language of MORDOR, much to everyone's ANNOYANCE. Frodo also LEARNS that the Elves of Mirkwood are USELESS.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Saruman is evil; he kidnapped me but I was rescued by an Eagle."

(Boromir wants to use the RING but is told "No!". NO-ONE wants to go to MORDOR; Frodo VOLUNTEERS and the rest of the COUNCIL heave a sigh of RELIEF. Sam INSISTS on GOING and Elrond makes a SARCASTIC comment. Sam GRUMBLES.)

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Tags: old, prat, king, discussion, speech, annoyance, learning, useless, ring, Mordor, relief, insistence, sarcasm, grumbling