(Once Anárion DIES, KIDS start to be in short SUPPLY [don't ask] and GREED and DECADENCE abound.)

Source: "Kings came and went, but for Sauron it was a case of 'veni, vidi, vici, dude' [or would have been if Latin had been around then]."

(The Dúnedain start getting HITCHED to foreigners [don't ask]. Another PLAGUE strikes and Men are in short SUPPLY so they stop GUARDING Mordor.)

Sauron: "Opportunity knocks..."

(Wainriders ATTACK from the East, Sauron gives them a PEP-TALK and they REALLY give it some WELLY. The Wainriders are too SELF-SATISFIED and SMUG, yet COCKY, and Eärnil (Captain of the Southern Army) sends them PACKING.)

Source: "Arveduri was the direct descendant of Isildur, but the Council of Gondor didn't want him because he wasn't the direct descendant of Anárion [don't ask]. So they gave the job to Eärnil, who wasn't the direct descendent of either. Big mistake. Arvedui needed help when the Witch-king [the Lord of the Nazgûl, remember?] attacked, so Eärnil sent his son, Eärnur, but his timing was off. R.I.P. Arveduri. Better late than never, Eärnur then KICKED the Witch-king's ARSE. Then Eärnur and Glorfindel went on a killing-spree, but Eärnur's horse embarrassed him [don't ask] when the Witch-king turned up. Glorfindel [remember him? Book I, Chapter XII] charged at the Witch-king, who scarpered. Eärnur was decidedly narked but Glorfindel restrained him thus:

Glorfindel: "Whoa there big fella, we're not going to be the ones to kill him - maybe someone shorter... well, not a Man, anyway."

Source: "How prophetic."

* * *

Source: "Minas Ithil was kidnapped by the Nazgûl and renamed Minas Morgul. Eärnur was good at fighting but he was also a bit of a thickie, so when the Lord of the Nazgûl [the Witch-king, remember?] taunted him, he trudged off to prove his manliness. R.I.P. Eärnur. As the descendants of the kings had senselessly slaughtered themselves by this point, the Steward (Mardil) got the job."

The Stewards

(IMPORTANT Ruling Stewards are:

• Cirion - gives Eorl (the LEADER of the Rohirrim) a LARGE chunk of land, which they call Rohan.
• Ecthelion II - has an INFALLIBLE advisor called Thorongil, although no-one has a CLUE where he comes from. He likes Gandalf. A LOT.
• Denethor II - doesn't like Gandalf, goes MAD and does the HUMAN BARBECUE [don't ask]; his eldest SON Boromir also goes MAD and ends up looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask].
• Faramir - is the only SANE one in the entire BUNCH and he doesn't get to RULE for long. [Two measly weeks to be precise, not even worth a MENTION in the list of Stewards. Poor sod].)

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Tags: dead, don't ask, marriage, attack, black rider, pin-cushion, bunch

Source: "Eriador was big but Arnor was bigger."

The North-kingdom and the Dúnedain

(The next eight KINGS after Isildur and Anárion SQUABBLE about who OWNS what and everyone wants Weathertop because it has a CRYSTAL-BALL SHAPED Palantir-thingy.)

Source: "The Witch-king [aka The Lord of the Nazgûl] tries world domination. Then there was war, plague, more war, and Snowmen. Elrond held on to the heirlooms of Gondor and the Dúnedain became Rangers. Orcs multiplied indiscriminately and indiscriminately attacked people. The Line of Kings was restored by Aragorn, son of Arathorn who became King of Gondor and Arnor, but decreed that none of the Big People with should pass the borders of the Shire. But he still shows up at the border for a chat now and then. One of Sam's daughters works for Arwen."

(The Men of Gondor die QUICKER than they used to [bummer], but Aragorn keeps going like the PROVERBIAL Duracell BATTERY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for his SUBJECTS, who aren't, since they're dropping like FLIES. In hot weather.)

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Tags: king, black rider, impressed, dead, proverbs

(Everyone TRUDGES to MORDOR. Except for Merry, who doesn't. Their TRIP is oddly QUIET and the army is FREAKED OUT. Aragorn uses emotional BLACKMAIL to persuade them to continue. Then they reach the Black Gate of Mordor.)

Aragorn: "Oi, Sauron, come out and fight, if you think you're hard enough!"

Mouth of Sauron: "Thanks for the two rodents you sent us. Give up or we'll torture them for eternity!"

Gandalf: "Take a hike."

(The Gate OPENS and the HOSTS of MORDOR surround them. The sun goes down, the NAZGÛL show up and the gang know they are going to lose SPECTACULARLY. Beregond is KNOCKED down by a troll-chief who Pippin STABS. Pippin is about to FAINT after nearly being SQUASHED by the troll-chief when he hears people SHOUTING something about Eagles. He FAINTS.)
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Tags: trudging, Mordor, freaked out, black rider, spectacular, stabbed, fainting

(The Lord of the NAZGÛL scarpers, theorising that DISCRETION is the better part of VALOUR. Théoden gets decidedly NARKED off at seeing the Southeners and goes on a KILLING SPREE. Théoden's horse is HIT by an arrow and the Lord of the NAZGÛL and his flying STEED turn up.)

Dernhelm: "Geroff!"

Lord of the Nazgûl: "You can't frighten me! No man can! Ha Ha!"

Dernhelm: "But I am not a man - I am a wo-man!"

(It's Éowyn. The Lord of the NAZGÛL considers this BRIEFLY, while Merry DECIDES to actually do something USEFUL and HELP Éowyn out. The Lord of the NAZGÛL doesn't BOTHER about him, since he's too BUSY going after Éowyn. Éowyn KILLS the Lord of the NAZGÛL's flying STEED and this really ANNOYS him, but as he goes to TEACH Éowyn a LESSON, Merry STABS him from behind. R.I.P. Lord of the NAZGÛL. R.I.P Théoden.)

* * *

Éomer: "Éowyn? What are you doing here? I though we left you behind! Arrgh! We're all going to die!"

(R.I.P. Merry's sword. The Riders of Rohan CARRY Théoden's BODY away; the Men of Gondor are STUNNED by the sight of a wo-man and they SEND for AID because she's INJURED. More FIGHTING happens; then they see SHIPS on the Sea, and everyone thinks they are ALL going to DIE. Except for Éomer, who doesn't. He's right. It's Aragorn. Everyone is HAPPY. They SLAUGHTER the HOSTS of MORDOR and SING.)

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Tags: narked off, killing, black rider, decision, annoyance, stabbed, fighting, dead, happy, Mordor, singing

(Pippin FINDS out that he is pretty much ornamental, gets DECKED out in the ARMOUR of the Tower Guard and is given a TEMPORARY job as Denethor's esquire, but becomes WORRIED when he is TOLD that one of his DUTIES is to SING. Gandalf RESCUES Faramir from the BLACK RIDERS and everyone is HAPPY to see Faramir ALIVE. Except for Denethor, who isn't.)

Faramir: "I say, last time I was here there weren't any Hobbits in the Tower Guard."

Gandalf: "New ornament."

(Gandalf is WORRIED that Frodo went to Cirith Ungol and Denethor WHINES about Faramir being ALIVE rather than Boromir.)

Faramir: "Hey, you sent him on that mission."

Denethor: "I wish I hadn't. You're useless - at least Boromir would have bought me a nice shiny Ring."

Gandalf: "Don't be a prat."

* * *

(Everyone feels SORRY for Faramir but no-one COMPLAINS when he gets sent to the FRONT (the Fields of Pelennor). NEWS arrives that Faramir is FIGHTING a lost CAUSE because the Lord of the NAZGÛL is on a ROLL and Gandalf RIDES off to HELP Faramir. It doesn't do much GOOD and the Men of Gondor get their ARSES KICKED. Faramir is INJURED and more of the MORDOR army turns up.)

Gandalf: "There's no way the Riders of Rohan can help now. We've had it."

* * *

(The army of MORDOR catapult DEAD-HEADS into the first circle of the City; Denethor is a walking CLOUD of DEPRESSION and REFUSES to leave his SON'S room. He DECIDES to KILL himself and Faramir but Pippin shows some INITIATIVE and RUNS off to FIND Gandalf. The Enemy BUSTS through the Gate and the Lord of the NAZGÛL gloats.)

Lord of the Nazgûl: "Ha ha, I win, you lose! Tee hee!"

(Gandalf is talking TOUGH when the Riders of Rohan FINALLY arrive.)

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Tags: worried, singing, rescued, black rider, happy, alive, whining, prat, fighting, Mordor, depressed, decision

(Sam EVENTUALLY picks himself up off the FLOOR, finds another WAY into the tower and discovers a LOT of DEAD Orcs. The RING starts to POSSESS him but he RESISTS it in the followsing manner:)

Sam: "Possession? Ha! I laugh in the face of possession!"

(He uses Galadrial's PRESENT to get past the stone WATCHERS at the door. He searches some MORE, SINGS and finds Frodo BUTT naked and being WHIPPED [don't ask] by an Orc called Snaga. This decidedly NARKS Sam off. R.I.P. Snaga.)

Frodo: "Oooh, what happened?"

Sam: "Don't ask."

(Sam thus takes the opportunity of not giving Frodo a STRIAGHT ANSWER. Frodo WHINES about losing the RING. Sam CASUALLY explains that he has the RING. Frodo takes the opportunity to INSULT him, then unconvincingly BLAMES it on the RING and they DECK themselves out in Orc gear.)

Sam: "We've got to get out of here!"

Frodo: "Never mind that, we need food."

(They EAT and use Galadrial's PRESENT again. A BLACK RIDER turns up and does NOTHING.)
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Tags: dead, ring, presents, singing, don't ask, narked off, straight answer, opportunity, whining, insults, black rider, eating

(The Riders of Rohan reach Dunharrow and Théoden INSISTS on joining the EXPEDITION. They get NEWS of Gandalf and a BLACK RIDER and Éwoyn is still UNHAPPY about Aragorn taking the Paths of the Dead.)

Éomer: "We've had it."

(Merry is CONFUSED about why everyone is so UPSET, ASKS about the Paths of the Dead and FINALLY gets a TASTE of how it FEELS not to get a STRAIGHT ANSWER.)

* * *

(Théoden RECIEVES the Red Arrow from Gondor and TELLS the messenger (Hirgon) that it will take a WEEK for the Riders of Rohan to come Gondor's RESCUE.)

Hirgon: "We're all going to be dead by then - still you might give the Orcs and Southerners a nasty shock."

Théoden: "True, true."

* * *

(Merry is ANNOYED at the idea of being left BEHIND, falls ASLEEP and wakes up to FIND that DARKNESS has FLOWED out of MORDOR [don't ask]. Théoden ORDERS the Muster of Rohan; Merry gets some ARMOUR and the Riders of Rohan SING. Merry is ORDERED to stay with Éowyn, but a Rider (Dernhelm) has a PROVERB to SHARE and OFFERS to HIDE him under his CLOAK [don't ask] and take him to war.)

Merry: "Yippee!"

(Dernhelm's horse isn't too BOTHERED about the extra WEIGHT because Dernhelm is SMALLER than MOST. As they get CLOSER to Gondor, everyone gets DEPRESSED.)

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Tags: insistence, black rider, confusion, straight answer, annoyance, Mordor, don't ask, singing, proverbs, depressed

(They reach Cirith Ungol; Frodo NOTICES the RING is very, very HEAVY, and it starts to POSSESS him. Luckily, he RESISTS and everyone gets FREAKED OUT by the massive army led by the LORD OF THE NAZGÛL.)

Frodo: "Oh, that's all I needed - wonderful. We're all going to die."

* * *

(They CLIMB a Straight Stair and a Winding Stair, Frodo and Sam have a POST-MODERNIST moment and QUESTION Gollum's MOTIVES.)

* * *

Frodo: "So, this is were you get off, Smeagol. See you round."

Gollum: "You sstill need me to lead you through the tunnel, tee hee! Come on!"

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Tags: ring, freaked out, black rider

Pippin: "Why can't I have nice, shiny crystal ball?"

(Merry explains why, taking the OPPORTUNITY to share a PROVERB. Pippin STEALS the Palantir from Gandalf and has a NASTY experience with one of the BLACK RIDERS/NAZGÛL [don't ask].)

Gandalf: "You're a real prat, do you know that?"

* * *

Aragorn: "Oi, that Palantir is a family heirloom! Give it here!"

Gandalf: "Sure. But don't be to eager to use it!"

Aragorn: "Who? Moi?"

(Gandalf takes the OPPORTUNITY to shares a PROVERB with Aragorn; Théoden DECIDES to RIDE back to Helm's Deep with Éomer, LEAVING the majority of the Riders at Aragorn''s DISPOSAL.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Arrgh! Nazgûl/Black Riders!"

(Gandalf RIDES off with Pippin and Merry WHINES about being left BEHIND.)

Aragorn: "Idiot."

* * *

(Gandalf BRAGS about his horse (Shadowfax), SINGS and goes off on a very LONG -WINDED explanation about the Palantir. Pippin is SURPRISED to find out that they are going to Minas Tirith, not Helm's Deep, and Shadowfax SPRINGS forward with FIRE flying from his FEET [definitely don't ask].)

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Tags: opportunity, proverbs, black rider, prat, decision, leaving, whining, singing, long-winded, surprise, don't ask

Sam: "Eek! The Gate of Mordor! What would my Gaffer say?"

Frodo: "Who cares? No-one asked you to come. I'm going in whatever."

Gollum: "No! No! Go the other way!"

Frodo: "Huh?"

(Gollum TELLS them there is a WAY south; Frodo THREATENS him (much to Sam's DELIGHT), and Gollum GROVELS.)

* * *

Sam: "Arrgh! Black Riders!"

(They SEE Men of the South going into MORDOR; Sam SINGS about Oliphaunts, Frodo LAUGHS and DECIDES to take the WAY south.)

Gollum: "Phew!"

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Tags: threatening, delight, grovelling, Mordor, decision, black rider

(The gang TRUDGE through the hills towards some MARSHES and Gollum SINGS [don't ask]. Sam is WORRIED that Gollum wants to EAT them - especially since he doesn't LIKE lembas.)

Sam: "We've only got a few supplies left - what's going to happen after we've destroyed the Ring?"

Frodo: "Who cares? We're all gonna die anyway."

* * *

(They TRUDGE through the Dead Marshes for DAYS and see a BLACK RIDER. Frodo starts to NOTICE the RING is getting very HEAVY and Gollum has an ARGUMENT with himself about whether or not to KILL Frodo and Sam.)

* * *

Gollum: "Arrgh! Black Riderss - the Dark Lord iss on to uss!"

(Everyone IGNORES him and they TRUDGE towards MORDOR some MORE.)

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Tags: trudging, singing, worried, eating, black rider, ring, argument, killing, ignoring, Mordor

(Frodo and Sam are STUCK in the CLIFFS of the Emyn Muil. On the horizon, MORDOR glows red and looks very THREATENING.)

Sam: "Join the Company they said, see the world they said... Eek! That bog smells!"

Frodo: "Whatever."

(Frodo WHINES about going to MORDOR and Sam WHINES about only having lembas to EAT. They attempt to CLIMB down the CLIFF, see a BLACK RIDER and finally get down the CLIFF, thanks to Sam's ROPE - which, it turns out, is MAGICAL and COMES when Sam CALLS it.)

* * *

Gollum: "Where'ss my Preciouss?" [Repeat many times for full effect - double 's' vital.]

(Sam JUMPS on him, nearly gets STRANGLED and Frodo THEATENS to cut Gollum's THROAT.)

Gollum: "I'm jusst lonely!"

Frodo: "Whatever. Take us to Mordor or die!"

Gollum: "Arrgh! No! No!"

(He AGREES to take them anyway - after STAGING a small ESCAPE attempt. Gollum PROMISES not to try anything again, SLOBBERS over Frodo and they TRUDGE towards MORDOR.)

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Tags: stuck, Mordor, threatening, whining, eating, climbing, black rider, rope, magical, strangled, escape, trudging

Frodo: "What the hell happened?"

(Everyone is UNABLE to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Next day Strider finds the BLACK RIDER'S knife and the BLADE disappears in a PUFF of SMOKE [don't ask].)

Strider: "Oooh, that's not good."

* * *

(They TRUDGE towards Rivendell, Frodo has lots of NIGHTMARES and Sam WHINES.)

* * *

Pippin: "Arrgh! Trolls!"

Strider: "Idiot:

• Family history;
• Broad daylight;
• Made of stone;
• Bird's nest behind ear."

(Sam SINGS and they TRUDGE on.)

* * *

Strider: "Glorfindel!"

(They put Frodo on Glorfindel's horse and get AMBUSHED by the BLACK RIDERS. Glorfindel's horse ESCAPES and the BLACK RIDERS are WASHED away by the RIVER. Frodo FAINTS.)

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Tags: unable, straight answer, black rider, blade, puff, smoke, don't ask, trudging, nightmares, whining, singing, ambushed, escape, washed, river, fainting

(The BLACK RIDERS attack the WRONG room. Then the gang LEAVE Bree. Sam recites POETRY and Strider BERATES them for mentioning MORDOR. A lot.)

* * *

Strider: "Snazzy, Weathertop!"

Merry: "This place is dingy."

* * *

Strider: "Arrgh! The Enemy! Let's light a fire."

Sam: "Won't that give us away?"

(Everyone IGNORES him. Strider tells a very long STORY about an Elf-woman.)

* * *

Merry: "Eek! Shapes!"

(The BLACK RIDERS attack, Frodo puts the RING on and gets STABBED. Strider CHASES them off with FIRE. Frodo FAINTS.)

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Tags: black rider, wrong, leaving, poetry, berate, Mordor, ignoring, story, ring, stabbed, chasing, fire, fainting

Strider: "I've got information."

Frodo: "What information?"

(Strider DECLINES to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER, but RAMBLES on until it becomes apparent that he has no USEFUL information.)

* * *

Butterbur: "Here's a letter from Gandalf that I forgot to post."

(The LETTER tells Frodo to TRUST Strider.)

Strider: "So, you gonna let me come along?"

Frodo: "Whatever."

* * *

Merry: "I followed a Black Rider, then I fainted."

Strider: "Idiot. You'd all better sleep in my room."

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Tags: declines, straight answer, rambling on, useless, letters, trust, black rider

Frodo: "Let's take a short cut."

Pippin: "Damn, I wanted to go to the pub."

(They TRUDGE through a lot of FIELDS, see another BLACK RIDER and TRUDGE on some more.)

* * *

Pippin: "Check it out! Farmer Maggot's patch! He's got some really psychopathic dogs!"

Frodo: "Arrgh!"

* * *

Maggot: "Have dinner, while I tell you about some Black Riders."

(They stay, get WORRIED and then Maggot gives them a LIFT to the Ferry.)

* * *

Maggot: "Mr. Merry!"

Merry: "Hya!"

Maggot: "Here's some mushrooms."

Frodo: "Tasty!"

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Tags: trudging, fields, black rider, worried, lift

Gandalf: "I'm off, but I'll be back before you leave."

(He isn't. Mostly LONG-WINDED stuff involving EATING happens. They meet a BLACK RIDER.)

Frodo: "I don't like the look of this."

(They hide, Frodo is TEMPTED by the RING and then the BLACK RIDER leaves. More EATING and SINGING occurs.)

* * *

Sam: "Elves! Yay!"

Elves: "Oooh, Hobbits!"

Frodo: "Can we tag along with you?"

Elves: "Nope."

Frodo: "But we're being chased by Black Riders."

Gildor: "Oh all right. Come on then."

(They EAT, make MERRY [don't ask] and the Elves refuse to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Then they fall asleep and the Elves scarper.)

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Tags: long-winded, eating, black rider, temptation, ring, singing, don't ask, straight answer