(Dwaves like CAVES and PRECIOUS metals. They also have a HABIT of ANNOYING large flying MONSTERS. Sauron is decidedly NARKED because he cannot CORRUPT them easily. Moria, their most IMPRESSIVE kingdom, is over-run by Orcs, so they all get into a BIG FIGHT and remove LOTS of each other's HEADS. Dwarf-women are in short SUPPLY and are not very ADVENTUROUS [don't ask].)

Tolkien: "If you want to know more about Dwarves and Dragons, read The Hobbit."

Gandalf: "If it weren't for me forcing Bilbo on the Dwarves, we'd have been screwed in Gondor. Who's your Daddy?"

(Gimli is the only Dwarf to really GET ON with an Elf (Legolas), when Aragorn DIES they SAIL to Valinor. Gimli only GETS IN because of Galadrial [don't ask].)

The Line of the Dwarves of Erebor as it was invented by Gimli, Glóin's son for King Elessar [that's Aragorn]

(A family-tree of UNWIELDY and INTERCHANGEABLE names and dates.)

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Tags: annoyance, narked off, impressed, fighting, Tolkien, dead, don't ask

Source: "Eriador was big but Arnor was bigger."

The North-kingdom and the Dúnedain

(The next eight KINGS after Isildur and Anárion SQUABBLE about who OWNS what and everyone wants Weathertop because it has a CRYSTAL-BALL SHAPED Palantir-thingy.)

Source: "The Witch-king [aka The Lord of the Nazgûl] tries world domination. Then there was war, plague, more war, and Snowmen. Elrond held on to the heirlooms of Gondor and the Dúnedain became Rangers. Orcs multiplied indiscriminately and indiscriminately attacked people. The Line of Kings was restored by Aragorn, son of Arathorn who became King of Gondor and Arnor, but decreed that none of the Big People with should pass the borders of the Shire. But he still shows up at the border for a chat now and then. One of Sam's daughters works for Arwen."

(The Men of Gondor die QUICKER than they used to [bummer], but Aragorn keeps going like the PROVERBIAL Duracell BATTERY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for his SUBJECTS, who aren't, since they're dropping like FLIES. In hot weather.)

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Tags: king, black rider, impressed, dead, proverbs

(In Minas Tirith, Éowyn is a walking cloud of DEPRESSION because Aragorn isn't INTERESTED. Faramir, on the other hand, most definitely IS. When the Eagles drop by and say that Sauron, enemy of the Free People of Middle Earth, has KICKED IT and Aragorn has TRIUMPHED, everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Éowyn, who isn't. Faramir talks some SENSE into her and surprisingly she AGREES that they should get HITCHED. Aragorn comes back, is crowned KING, plants a TREE and Elrond turns up. Aragorn and Arwen also get HITCHED.)
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Tags: depressed, dead, impressed, marriage, king, tree

(Frodo TELLS Faramir he's not hiding anything, but Faramir doesn't BELIEVE him and asks QUESTIONS about why he's hanging around Mordor. Drawing on past EXPERIENCE, Frodo refuses to give Faramir a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Instead, he TALKS about Aragorn and his SWORD and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Faramir, who isn't. Eventually, Frodo TELLS him a strategically ABRIDGED version of events and LEARNS that Boromir and Faramir were brothers. Then they TRUDGE to some CAVES for DINNER.)

* * *

(After DINNER and a quick LESSON in TABLE MANNERS, Frodo TELLS Faramir about his Boromir's part in the Company.)

Frodo: "Yeah, Boromir was a great bloke - liked a good skirmish."

Faramir: "Indeed! He was the most valiant of our people. There was no-one braver or more honourable."

Sam: "Yup. Except for that time when he tried to steal the One Ring from Frodo."

Frodo: "Sam, you're a prat."

Faramir: "The One Ring! Well, what a piece of luck! Never fear, though, I'm not much into the Dark Lord's jewellery - I don't want it. What are you going to do with it?"

Frodo: "Melt it."

(Frodo FAINTS, Faramir TUCKS him into BED and Sam SAYS that Faramir REMINDS him of a WIZARD [don't ask].)

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Tags: straight answer, impressed, sword, learning, trudging, eating, ring, prat, fainting, bed

(Aragorn, Théoden, Legolas, Gimli, Merry and the Riders of Rohan RIDE towards EDORAS and meet the Rangers. Arwen sends Aragorn a PRESENT, Legolas looks TROUBLED, and Merry swears LOYALTY to Théoden and becomes an esquire. Aragorn SURPRISES everyone by ANNOUNCING that he's going to Gondor by the Paths of the Dead; Gimli SCOLDES him for using the Palantir and contacting Sauron but Aragorn SAYS he acted ROYALLY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Sauron, who probably wasn't.)

* * *

(Due to being SMITTEN with Aragorn, Éowyn visits him in the NIGHT [don't ask].)

Éowyn: "Will you take me with you?"

Aragorn: "Nope."

* * *

(Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and the Rangers (The Grey Company) TRUDGE through the Paths of the Dead; Gimli GRUMBLES about being SCARED and Legolas TALKS to the horses. The Company LEAVES the Paths of the Dead, but are FOLLOWED by some dead warriors [don't ask].)

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Tags: presents, troubled, loyalty, surprise, kingly, impressed, smitten, don't ask, trudging, scarded, leaving, dead

(Pippin and Gandalf RIDE very fast towards Minas Tirith and Gandalf SENDS Pippin to SLEEP with a very LONG-WINDED story about the CUSTOMS of Gondor. They MEET some soliders and Gandalf TELLS them not to bother REBUILDING the wall of Pelennor.)

Ingold: "But it'll be finished in a minute! What about the Riders of Rohan - are they going to grace us with their presence or not?"

Gandalf: "Thanks to me they are - if I hadn't rescued them from certain death, then you'd be screwed right now. I'm going - and no nodding off, you hear?"

* * *

(They REACH Minas Tirith; Pippin is AWED by the city, NO-ONE thinks that SEEING Gandalf is a GOOD thing and Gandalf TELLS Pippin not to mention ANYTHING about the RING to Denethor (The Steward of Gondor). And to keep quiet about Aragorn, because he knows that EVERYONE will be IMPRESSED. Except for Denethor, who won't be.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Hi, Denethor, how's it going?"

Denethor: "Terrible. Where's the person who saw Boromir die? Oh I wish I'd sent Faramir instead!"

(Pippin offers Denethor his SWORD as PAYMENT for Boromir's death.)

Denethor: "Wow! You may be short but you've some got manners - even if you have got a wierd accent! I like you, little man!"

(EGGED on by Gandalf, Pippin swears LOYALTY to Gondor, becomes a soldier, and TELLS Denethor about Boromir's death.)

Denethor: "I rule Gondor! Unless the King turns up, that is."

Gandalf: "Just in case he does, you'd better make sure that there's some kingdom left, eh?"

* * *

(Pippin meets Beregond (a GUARD) who TELLS him some PASSWORDS and about the CUSTOMS of Gondor.)

Beregond: "Wow! You've got some manners - even if you have got a wierd accent!"

* * *

(They visit Shadowfax and Pippin gets treated like a PRINCE. Beregond TELLS Pippin to FIND his son (Bergil) and WATCH the Gate closing. A lot of allies ARRIVE but not as many as HOPED for.)

Gandalf: "We're all going to die."

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Tags: long-winded, ring, impressed, sword, loyalty

(There is a CHANGE in the original PLAN and everyone rides to HELM'S DEEP. There is a BATTLE; Gimli RESCUES Éomer from CERTAIN death and he and Legolas start COMPETING for most KILLS. The Orcs BLAST a hole in the wall.)

Aragorn: "Arrgh!"

(They are losing SPECTACULARLY and everyone RETREATS.)

* * *

Théoden: "Right, that's it! No more Mr. Nice King! At dawn I'm gonna seriously kill me some Orc! You want in?"

Aragorn: "Yup."

* * *

(Aragorn goes OUTSIDE to have a quick GANDER at the opposition.)

Orcs: "We are the fighting Uruk-hai!" [Repeat many times for full effect.]

(Aragorn WARNS them that they are all going to DIE, acts very KINGLY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except the Uruk-hai, who aren't. Then the Riders sound HELM'S HORN and charge, the Orcs are WORRIED and run away. Gandalf turns up with Erkenbrand and finishes off Saruman's ARMY.)

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Tags: plan, battle, rescued, killing, competition, spectacular, warning, dead, impressed, worried

(Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas RUN through Rohan and everyone WHINES. They meet the Riders of Rohan; there is a bit of an ARGUMENT, but Aragorn acts like a KING and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Éothain, who isn't.)

Éomer: "The Orcs are dead and no-one else was with them, but have these horses and see for yourselves."

(Gimli WHINES about having to ride a horse and the RIDERS OF ROHAN leave. Later, the gang receive a strange VISITATION from an OLD man and their horses DISAPPEAR. Gimli, having WHINED about riding a horse, now WHINES about the LACK of horses.)
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Tags: whining, argument, impressed, kingly, visitation, disappear

(The Company FLOAT along the Anduin for DAYS; Gollum FOLLOWS them and Boromir really begins to LOSE it in a BIG way. Orcs AMBUSH them, but do no DAMAGE. Aragorn keeps looking KINGLY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Boromir, who isn't.)
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Tags: floating, losing it, ambushed, kingly, impressed