(Pippin FINDS out that he is pretty much ornamental, gets DECKED out in the ARMOUR of the Tower Guard and is given a TEMPORARY job as Denethor's esquire, but becomes WORRIED when he is TOLD that one of his DUTIES is to SING. Gandalf RESCUES Faramir from the BLACK RIDERS and everyone is HAPPY to see Faramir ALIVE. Except for Denethor, who isn't.)

Faramir: "I say, last time I was here there weren't any Hobbits in the Tower Guard."

Gandalf: "New ornament."

(Gandalf is WORRIED that Frodo went to Cirith Ungol and Denethor WHINES about Faramir being ALIVE rather than Boromir.)

Faramir: "Hey, you sent him on that mission."

Denethor: "I wish I hadn't. You're useless - at least Boromir would have bought me a nice shiny Ring."

Gandalf: "Don't be a prat."

* * *

(Everyone feels SORRY for Faramir but no-one COMPLAINS when he gets sent to the FRONT (the Fields of Pelennor). NEWS arrives that Faramir is FIGHTING a lost CAUSE because the Lord of the NAZGÛL is on a ROLL and Gandalf RIDES off to HELP Faramir. It doesn't do much GOOD and the Men of Gondor get their ARSES KICKED. Faramir is INJURED and more of the MORDOR army turns up.)

Gandalf: "There's no way the Riders of Rohan can help now. We've had it."

* * *

(The army of MORDOR catapult DEAD-HEADS into the first circle of the City; Denethor is a walking CLOUD of DEPRESSION and REFUSES to leave his SON'S room. He DECIDES to KILL himself and Faramir but Pippin shows some INITIATIVE and RUNS off to FIND Gandalf. The Enemy BUSTS through the Gate and the Lord of the NAZGÛL gloats.)

Lord of the Nazgûl: "Ha ha, I win, you lose! Tee hee!"

(Gandalf is talking TOUGH when the Riders of Rohan FINALLY arrive.)

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Tags: worried, singing, rescued, black rider, happy, alive, whining, prat, fighting, Mordor, depressed, decision

(Frodo TELLS Faramir he's not hiding anything, but Faramir doesn't BELIEVE him and asks QUESTIONS about why he's hanging around Mordor. Drawing on past EXPERIENCE, Frodo refuses to give Faramir a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Instead, he TALKS about Aragorn and his SWORD and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Faramir, who isn't. Eventually, Frodo TELLS him a strategically ABRIDGED version of events and LEARNS that Boromir and Faramir were brothers. Then they TRUDGE to some CAVES for DINNER.)

* * *

(After DINNER and a quick LESSON in TABLE MANNERS, Frodo TELLS Faramir about his Boromir's part in the Company.)

Frodo: "Yeah, Boromir was a great bloke - liked a good skirmish."

Faramir: "Indeed! He was the most valiant of our people. There was no-one braver or more honourable."

Sam: "Yup. Except for that time when he tried to steal the One Ring from Frodo."

Frodo: "Sam, you're a prat."

Faramir: "The One Ring! Well, what a piece of luck! Never fear, though, I'm not much into the Dark Lord's jewellery - I don't want it. What are you going to do with it?"

Frodo: "Melt it."

(Frodo FAINTS, Faramir TUCKS him into BED and Sam SAYS that Faramir REMINDS him of a WIZARD [don't ask].)

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Tags: straight answer, impressed, sword, learning, trudging, eating, ring, prat, fainting, bed

Pippin: "Why can't I have nice, shiny crystal ball?"

(Merry explains why, taking the OPPORTUNITY to share a PROVERB. Pippin STEALS the Palantir from Gandalf and has a NASTY experience with one of the BLACK RIDERS/NAZGÛL [don't ask].)

Gandalf: "You're a real prat, do you know that?"

* * *

Aragorn: "Oi, that Palantir is a family heirloom! Give it here!"

Gandalf: "Sure. But don't be to eager to use it!"

Aragorn: "Who? Moi?"

(Gandalf takes the OPPORTUNITY to shares a PROVERB with Aragorn; Théoden DECIDES to RIDE back to Helm's Deep with Éomer, LEAVING the majority of the Riders at Aragorn''s DISPOSAL.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Arrgh! Nazgûl/Black Riders!"

(Gandalf RIDES off with Pippin and Merry WHINES about being left BEHIND.)

Aragorn: "Idiot."

* * *

(Gandalf BRAGS about his horse (Shadowfax), SINGS and goes off on a very LONG -WINDED explanation about the Palantir. Pippin is SURPRISED to find out that they are going to Minas Tirith, not Helm's Deep, and Shadowfax SPRINGS forward with FIRE flying from his FEET [definitely don't ask].)

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Tags: opportunity, proverbs, black rider, prat, decision, leaving, whining, singing, long-winded, surprise, don't ask

(The Council of Elrond is CALLED. The only NEW people of LONG-STANDING importance are:

• Gimli (DWARF)
• Legolas (ELF)
• Boromir (HUMAN)

Frodo LEARNS that Elrond is very OLD, that Isildur was a PRAT and Strider is a KING. Called Aragorn.)

* * *

Strider / Aragorn: "So, you want me to come and rule Gondor?"

Boromir: "We'd rather just have your sword."

Aragorn / Strider: "Tough."

* * *

(There is more DISCUSSION and Gandalf SPEAKS the language of MORDOR, much to everyone's ANNOYANCE. Frodo also LEARNS that the Elves of Mirkwood are USELESS.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Saruman is evil; he kidnapped me but I was rescued by an Eagle."

(Boromir wants to use the RING but is told "No!". NO-ONE wants to go to MORDOR; Frodo VOLUNTEERS and the rest of the COUNCIL heave a sigh of RELIEF. Sam INSISTS on GOING and Elrond makes a SARCASTIC comment. Sam GRUMBLES.)

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Tags: old, prat, king, discussion, speech, annoyance, learning, useless, ring, Mordor, relief, insistence, sarcasm, grumbling

(Frodo becomes SMITTEN with Goldberry and SINGS, as does Bombadil. Everyone has NIGHTMARES. Except Sam, who doesn't. Next day it RAINS a lot. After dinner, Bombadil takes the RING but isn't AFFECTED by it. Frodo suspects DECEIT, puts the RING on and VANISHES.)

Tom Bombadil: "Frodo, don't be a prat."

(Frodo takes the RING off, grins SHEEPISHLY and then Bombadil SINGS some more.)
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Tags: smitten, singing, nightmares, raining, ring, unaffected, deceit, ring, vanishing, prat