(The Army of the West (Aragorn's gang) are HORRIBLY outnumbered and are losing SPECTACUARLY. Luckily, the Eagles SAVE the day.)

* * *

(Elsewhere:)

Frodo: "Whatever. Time to die."

Sam: "But I'm not ready to die!"

Frodo: "Tough."

(Luckily, the Eagles and Gandalf SAVE the day. They all meet up with Aragorn and a minstrel SINGS about Frodo and Sam. There is a big REUNION FEAST; all the Hobbits are REUNITED and Merry and Pippin BRAG about their new-found CREDIBILITY. Sam is baffled by the STORIES he hears, Legolas SINGS as he goes to the SEA and everyone goes to bed.)

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Tags: spectacular, singing, eating, story, bed

(Sam EVENTUALLY picks himself up off the FLOOR, finds another WAY into the tower and discovers a LOT of DEAD Orcs. The RING starts to POSSESS him but he RESISTS it in the followsing manner:)

Sam: "Possession? Ha! I laugh in the face of possession!"

(He uses Galadrial's PRESENT to get past the stone WATCHERS at the door. He searches some MORE, SINGS and finds Frodo BUTT naked and being WHIPPED [don't ask] by an Orc called Snaga. This decidedly NARKS Sam off. R.I.P. Snaga.)

Frodo: "Oooh, what happened?"

Sam: "Don't ask."

(Sam thus takes the opportunity of not giving Frodo a STRIAGHT ANSWER. Frodo WHINES about losing the RING. Sam CASUALLY explains that he has the RING. Frodo takes the opportunity to INSULT him, then unconvincingly BLAMES it on the RING and they DECK themselves out in Orc gear.)

Sam: "We've got to get out of here!"

Frodo: "Never mind that, we need food."

(They EAT and use Galadrial's PRESENT again. A BLACK RIDER turns up and does NOTHING.)
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Tags: dead, ring, presents, singing, don't ask, narked off, straight answer, opportunity, whining, insults, black rider, eating

(Frodo TELLS Faramir he's not hiding anything, but Faramir doesn't BELIEVE him and asks QUESTIONS about why he's hanging around Mordor. Drawing on past EXPERIENCE, Frodo refuses to give Faramir a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Instead, he TALKS about Aragorn and his SWORD and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Faramir, who isn't. Eventually, Frodo TELLS him a strategically ABRIDGED version of events and LEARNS that Boromir and Faramir were brothers. Then they TRUDGE to some CAVES for DINNER.)

* * *

(After DINNER and a quick LESSON in TABLE MANNERS, Frodo TELLS Faramir about his Boromir's part in the Company.)

Frodo: "Yeah, Boromir was a great bloke - liked a good skirmish."

Faramir: "Indeed! He was the most valiant of our people. There was no-one braver or more honourable."

Sam: "Yup. Except for that time when he tried to steal the One Ring from Frodo."

Frodo: "Sam, you're a prat."

Faramir: "The One Ring! Well, what a piece of luck! Never fear, though, I'm not much into the Dark Lord's jewellery - I don't want it. What are you going to do with it?"

Frodo: "Melt it."

(Frodo FAINTS, Faramir TUCKS him into BED and Sam SAYS that Faramir REMINDS him of a WIZARD [don't ask].)

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Tags: straight answer, impressed, sword, learning, trudging, eating, ring, prat, fainting, bed

(Frodo, Sam and Gollum TRUDGE south; the SCENERY is much nicer and they take a BREAK.)

Sam: "Oi! Gollum, food, now!"

* * *

Sam: "Ohh, coneys." [Rabbits.]

(He STEWS the rabbits, much to Gollum's ANNOYANCE. Sam GRUMBLES about the LACK of potatoes.)

* * *

Frodo: "Voices!"

Faramir: "I'm Faramir, Captain of these very well camouflaged men here - we are from Gondor."

Frodo: "I'm Frodo, this is Sam and we knew a dude called Boromir of Gondor."

Soldiers: "Boromir! Boromir! Boromir!" [Echo effect necessary.]

Faramir: "Fascinating! I'd like to stay and chat but we've got to dash - lots of killing to do. I'll leave two guards and talk to you later!"

* * *

(Frodo CHATS with the guards, LEARNS that the Men of the South are EVIL and there is a BIG fight.)

Sam: "An Oliphaunt! Cool! I'm off to sleep."

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Tags: trudging, eating, annoyance, grumbling, chatting, learning, fighting

Legolas: "So, care to fill in some blanks?"

Gimli: "Food first - it's gone lunch-time."

(They FIND some FOOD, Pippin TELLS them about Ents and Merry LENDS Gimli his spare PIPE and Gimli gets OVER-EXCITED.)

Gimli: "Marry me!"

Legolas: "So, what happened with you two?"

(For the first part of their story, read A very long-winded story.)

Merry: "...We waited for the Orcs to leave, then the Ents broke the door down, destroyed everything except the Tower. Then Gandalf turned up, chatted to Treebeard and left. Oh, and Wormtongue put in an appearance. Other than that, we just found some pipe-weed from the Shire."

Aragorn: "Interesting..."
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Tags: eating, smoking, excited, marriage

(The gang TRUDGE through the hills towards some MARSHES and Gollum SINGS [don't ask]. Sam is WORRIED that Gollum wants to EAT them - especially since he doesn't LIKE lembas.)

Sam: "We've only got a few supplies left - what's going to happen after we've destroyed the Ring?"

Frodo: "Who cares? We're all gonna die anyway."

* * *

(They TRUDGE through the Dead Marshes for DAYS and see a BLACK RIDER. Frodo starts to NOTICE the RING is getting very HEAVY and Gollum has an ARGUMENT with himself about whether or not to KILL Frodo and Sam.)

* * *

Gollum: "Arrgh! Black Riderss - the Dark Lord iss on to uss!"

(Everyone IGNORES him and they TRUDGE towards MORDOR some MORE.)

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Tags: trudging, singing, worried, eating, black rider, ring, argument, killing, ignoring, Mordor

(Frodo and Sam are STUCK in the CLIFFS of the Emyn Muil. On the horizon, MORDOR glows red and looks very THREATENING.)

Sam: "Join the Company they said, see the world they said... Eek! That bog smells!"

Frodo: "Whatever."

(Frodo WHINES about going to MORDOR and Sam WHINES about only having lembas to EAT. They attempt to CLIMB down the CLIFF, see a BLACK RIDER and finally get down the CLIFF, thanks to Sam's ROPE - which, it turns out, is MAGICAL and COMES when Sam CALLS it.)

* * *

Gollum: "Where'ss my Preciouss?" [Repeat many times for full effect - double 's' vital.]

(Sam JUMPS on him, nearly gets STRANGLED and Frodo THEATENS to cut Gollum's THROAT.)

Gollum: "I'm jusst lonely!"

Frodo: "Whatever. Take us to Mordor or die!"

Gollum: "Arrgh! No! No!"

(He AGREES to take them anyway - after STAGING a small ESCAPE attempt. Gollum PROMISES not to try anything again, SLOBBERS over Frodo and they TRUDGE towards MORDOR.)

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Tags: stuck, Mordor, threatening, whining, eating, climbing, black rider, rope, magical, strangled, escape, trudging

Treebeard: "Freaky little creatures, aren't you?"

Pippin: "Arrgh!"

* * *

(Treebeard takes them to his HOME, they EAT and DRINK and Treebeard SINGS. Later, he tells them a very LONG-WINDED story about ENTWIVES and SINGS some more. They go to the ENTMOOT. After two DAYS the Ents decide to OVERTHROW Saruman.)

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Tags: eating, drinking, singing, long-winded, story, decision, overthrow

(Celeborn gives them BOATS and Boromir starts to be AFFECTED by the RING. Galadriel and Celeborn INVITE them to DINNER; they all get a BUNCH of other PRESENTS and LEAVE.)

Tolkien (aside): "By the way, Gimli and Legolas have become bosom buddies."
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Tags: boats, affected, ring, invitation, eating, bunch, presents, leaving, Tolkien

Frodo: "What the...?"

Gandalf: "Chill out, we're in Rivendell."

Frodo: "Where did you get to?"

Gandalf: "I'll tell you later."

(He TELLS Frodo EVERYTHING anyway.)

Frodo: "So the Black Riders are all gone?"

Gandalf: "That kinda depends on your definition of 'gone'."

* * *

(Later Frodo gets UP, meets the OTHERS and goes to a FEAST. Arwen SAYS and DOES nothing; Frodo CHATS with Glóin and SEES Bilbo.)

* * *

Bilbo: "The Dúnedain! I didn't see you loitering around Arwen earlier."

Strider: "I had better things to do."

(Bilbo RECITES a very LONG poem and everyone goes to BED.)

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Tags: eating, chatting, poetry, bed

(The gang get LOST in the Old Forest and a TREE tries to EAT Merry and Pippin. They're RESCUED by Tom Bombadil.)
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Tags: lost, tree, eating, rescued

Gandalf: "I'm off, but I'll be back before you leave."

(He isn't. Mostly LONG-WINDED stuff involving EATING happens. They meet a BLACK RIDER.)

Frodo: "I don't like the look of this."

(They hide, Frodo is TEMPTED by the RING and then the BLACK RIDER leaves. More EATING and SINGING occurs.)

* * *

Sam: "Elves! Yay!"

Elves: "Oooh, Hobbits!"

Frodo: "Can we tag along with you?"

Elves: "Nope."

Frodo: "But we're being chased by Black Riders."

Gildor: "Oh all right. Come on then."

(They EAT, make MERRY [don't ask] and the Elves refuse to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Then they fall asleep and the Elves scarper.)

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Tags: long-winded, eating, black rider, temptation, ring, singing, don't ask, straight answer