Tolkien: "Just about everyone speaks the same language i.e. the Common Speech (Westron). But I made up more just for fun."

Of the Elves

(There are TWO types of Elven language:

• High-elven - insanely FANCY, not used MUCH.
• Grey-elven - just FANCY, used a LOT.)

Of Men

(The Common Speech is basically MAN-MADE but different races have their OWN languages:

• Númenoreans - spoke Grey-elven, Adûnaic and CREATED 'Westron'.
• Northeners - not too SURE; Common Speech.
• Rohirrim - not too SURE; Common Speech.
• Wild Men - not too SURE; it's GUTTURAL, whatever it is.)

Of Hobbits

(They just PLAGIARIZE other people's languages. CURRENTLY they use the Common Speech.)

Of Other Races

(A SELECTION:

• Ents - not too SURE, but it's LONG-WINDED and UNPRONOUNCEABLE.
• Orcs - not too SURE; it's PLAGIARIZED, whatever it is; they also use the Common speech.
• The Black Speech - not too SURE, but we reckon Sauron MADE it UP.
• Trolls - not too SURE; PLAGIARIZED from Orcs, the Black Speech and the Common Speech.
• Dwarves - not too SURE, whatever it is; even THEY don't speak it [don't ask].)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: don't ask, Tolkien

(Dwaves like CAVES and PRECIOUS metals. They also have a HABIT of ANNOYING large flying MONSTERS. Sauron is decidedly NARKED because he cannot CORRUPT them easily. Moria, their most IMPRESSIVE kingdom, is over-run by Orcs, so they all get into a BIG FIGHT and remove LOTS of each other's HEADS. Dwarf-women are in short SUPPLY and are not very ADVENTUROUS [don't ask].)

Tolkien: "If you want to know more about Dwarves and Dragons, read The Hobbit."

Gandalf: "If it weren't for me forcing Bilbo on the Dwarves, we'd have been screwed in Gondor. Who's your Daddy?"

(Gimli is the only Dwarf to really GET ON with an Elf (Legolas), when Aragorn DIES they SAIL to Valinor. Gimli only GETS IN because of Galadrial [don't ask].)

The Line of the Dwarves of Erebor as it was invented by Gimli, Glóin's son for King Elessar [that's Aragorn]

(A family-tree of UNWIELDY and INTERCHANGEABLE names and dates.)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: annoyance, narked off, impressed, fighting, Tolkien, dead, don't ask

(Aragorn's FATHER, Arathorn, dies YOUNG(ISH) so his MOTHER, Gilraen, MOVES IN with Elrond. Who LOVES Aragorn like a SON, calls him Estel but doesn't TELL him that he is rightful King of Gondor. Elrond TELLS him all this when he is TWENTY and has been on a WORLD TOUR with Elrond's SONS.)

Elrond: "Have this ring and the Shards of Narsil. You're going to live for a long time, unless you get killed sooner. You can't have the Sceptre of Annuminas yet because you're not old enough."

* * *

(The next DAY, Aragorn goes for a WALK, SINGS and thinks he's seen a LEGENDARY Elf-maiden - but actually it's only Elrond's DAUGHTER, Arwen.)

Aragorn: "Daughter, huh? Where's he been keeping you?"

Arwen: "Lothlórien."

(Aragorn is PUT OUT that she's OLDER than him, but FALLS in LOVE anyway.)

* * *

Gilraen: "Stop pinning for Arwen - you haven't got a hope."

Aragorn: "It's not fair!"

Elrond: "Aragorn, give it up. Not only are you going to be in big trouble when you get older, but Arwen is too good for you and she knows it. Anyway, I'm leaving Middle-earth soon and she's coming with me."

Aragorn: "Damn."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES into the wild, FIGHTS Sauron, MEETS Gandalf and becomes UGLY [don't ask]. Eventually, he goes to Lothlórien and gets DRESSED up; Arwen is SMITTEN and BINDS herself [not literally] to him, resolving to get HITCHED at some point in the DISTANT future. Elrond FINDS out and is very ANNOYED.)

Elrond: "No way - not unless you're King of Gondor and Arnor."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES off once more and his MOTHER dies. The War of the RING occurs, Aragorn WINS the Battle of the Fields of Pelennor and becomes KING of Gondor and Arnor. When the RING is DESTROYED Elrond LEAVES and Arwen hangs around as QUEEN of Gondor for 60 YEARS. Aragorn eventually KICKS it, after handing Gondor and Arnor over to his SON, Eldarion. Arwen GRIEVES, goes to Lothlórien for the WINTER but no-one's HOME, so she DIES.)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: king, singing, trudging, fighting, don't ask, smitten, marriage, annoyance, ring, leaving, dead

(Once Anárion DIES, KIDS start to be in short SUPPLY [don't ask] and GREED and DECADENCE abound.)

Source: "Kings came and went, but for Sauron it was a case of 'veni, vidi, vici, dude' [or would have been if Latin had been around then]."

(The Dúnedain start getting HITCHED to foreigners [don't ask]. Another PLAGUE strikes and Men are in short SUPPLY so they stop GUARDING Mordor.)

Sauron: "Opportunity knocks..."

(Wainriders ATTACK from the East, Sauron gives them a PEP-TALK and they REALLY give it some WELLY. The Wainriders are too SELF-SATISFIED and SMUG, yet COCKY, and Eärnil (Captain of the Southern Army) sends them PACKING.)

Source: "Arveduri was the direct descendant of Isildur, but the Council of Gondor didn't want him because he wasn't the direct descendant of Anárion [don't ask]. So they gave the job to Eärnil, who wasn't the direct descendent of either. Big mistake. Arvedui needed help when the Witch-king [the Lord of the Nazgûl, remember?] attacked, so Eärnil sent his son, Eärnur, but his timing was off. R.I.P. Arveduri. Better late than never, Eärnur then KICKED the Witch-king's ARSE. Then Eärnur and Glorfindel went on a killing-spree, but Eärnur's horse embarrassed him [don't ask] when the Witch-king turned up. Glorfindel [remember him? Book I, Chapter XII] charged at the Witch-king, who scarpered. Eärnur was decidedly narked but Glorfindel restrained him thus:

Glorfindel: "Whoa there big fella, we're not going to be the ones to kill him - maybe someone shorter... well, not a Man, anyway."

Source: "How prophetic."

* * *

Source: "Minas Ithil was kidnapped by the Nazgûl and renamed Minas Morgul. Eärnur was good at fighting but he was also a bit of a thickie, so when the Lord of the Nazgûl [the Witch-king, remember?] taunted him, he trudged off to prove his manliness. R.I.P. Eärnur. As the descendants of the kings had senselessly slaughtered themselves by this point, the Steward (Mardil) got the job."

The Stewards

(IMPORTANT Ruling Stewards are:

• Cirion - gives Eorl (the LEADER of the Rohirrim) a LARGE chunk of land, which they call Rohan.
• Ecthelion II - has an INFALLIBLE advisor called Thorongil, although no-one has a CLUE where he comes from. He likes Gandalf. A LOT.
• Denethor II - doesn't like Gandalf, goes MAD and does the HUMAN BARBECUE [don't ask]; his eldest SON Boromir also goes MAD and ends up looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask].
• Faramir - is the only SANE one in the entire BUNCH and he doesn't get to RULE for long. [Two measly weeks to be precise, not even worth a MENTION in the list of Stewards. Poor sod].)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: dead, don't ask, marriage, attack, black rider, pin-cushion, bunch

(Sam PLANTS lots of TREES around the Shire and Frodo is ILL a LOT.)

Rosie: "Please note that this is my first sentence in this story. Don't make me wait no longer, Sam Gamgee, d'yer hear?"

(Sam gets HITCHED to Rosie and moves into Bag End with Frodo because its easier that way [don't ask]. Merry and Pippin are STILL wearing the ARMOUR from Gondor and Rohan, while Frodo and Sam have donned their Shire ATTIRE. Rosie starts to have LOTS and LOTS (and LOTS) of children. Frodo decides to go and VISIT Bilbo at Rivendell and FINISHES his BOOK. On the WAY, he and Sam BUMP into Elrond, Galadriel, Bilbo, Gandalf and a BUNCH of Elves, who are all TRUDGING to the Grey Havens. Frodo decides to go with them.)

Sam: "Hang on, I thought you were gonna stay in the Shire!"

Frodo: "Whatever. Clear off back to Rosie."

(He leaves EVERYTHING to Sam. Merry and Pippin show up and SAY goodbye; they all CUDDLE and Frodo and the others SAIL to Valinor.)

Sam: "Hey, I'm rich!"
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: tree, marriage, don't ask, bunch, trudging

(Sam EVENTUALLY picks himself up off the FLOOR, finds another WAY into the tower and discovers a LOT of DEAD Orcs. The RING starts to POSSESS him but he RESISTS it in the followsing manner:)

Sam: "Possession? Ha! I laugh in the face of possession!"

(He uses Galadrial's PRESENT to get past the stone WATCHERS at the door. He searches some MORE, SINGS and finds Frodo BUTT naked and being WHIPPED [don't ask] by an Orc called Snaga. This decidedly NARKS Sam off. R.I.P. Snaga.)

Frodo: "Oooh, what happened?"

Sam: "Don't ask."

(Sam thus takes the opportunity of not giving Frodo a STRIAGHT ANSWER. Frodo WHINES about losing the RING. Sam CASUALLY explains that he has the RING. Frodo takes the opportunity to INSULT him, then unconvincingly BLAMES it on the RING and they DECK themselves out in Orc gear.)

Sam: "We've got to get out of here!"

Frodo: "Never mind that, we need food."

(They EAT and use Galadrial's PRESENT again. A BLACK RIDER turns up and does NOTHING.)
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: dead, ring, presents, singing, don't ask, narked off, straight answer, opportunity, whining, insults, black rider, eating

(Frodo isn't looking too HOT; Sam ATTACKS the spider (Shelob) and STABS it (her) in the STOMACH. It (she) runs OFF. Finally, it DAWNS on Sam that Frodo is DEAD.)

Sam: "Ooops. Now what?"

(Sam DECIDES to take the RING, Sting and Galadrial's PRESENT and carry on. He doesn't get very FAR and puts on the RING to ESCAPE the Orcs patrolling the area.)

Orcs: "A body! And a really gooey mess!"

Shagrat: "Strip him and send word to Lugburz." (a.k.a. Barad-Dûr, a.k.a. Sauron's Place)

Gorbag: "What's the point? He's kicked it."

Shagrat: "You're a real prat, you know that? He's not dead."

Sam: "Uh-oh..."

(The Orcs put Frodo in the TOP of the TOWER and Sam RENDERS himself unconscious by jumping WILDLY at the door [please don't ask].)
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: attack, stabbed, dead, decision, ring, presents, escape, don't ask

(Gollum LEADS them into an incredibly SMELLY tunnel and ABANDONS them. They get ATTACKED by a very BIG spider.)

Sam: "Arrgh!"

(They ESCAPE thanks to the PRESENT that Galadrial gave to Frodo, but now the spider is really ANNOYED and comes after them. Gollum TRIES to STRANGLE Sam, but ends up running AWAY with a rather NASTY back injury [don't ask].)
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: smelly, attack, escape, presents, annoyance, strangled, don't ask

(The Riders of Rohan reach Dunharrow and Théoden INSISTS on joining the EXPEDITION. They get NEWS of Gandalf and a BLACK RIDER and Éwoyn is still UNHAPPY about Aragorn taking the Paths of the Dead.)

Éomer: "We've had it."

(Merry is CONFUSED about why everyone is so UPSET, ASKS about the Paths of the Dead and FINALLY gets a TASTE of how it FEELS not to get a STRAIGHT ANSWER.)

* * *

(Théoden RECIEVES the Red Arrow from Gondor and TELLS the messenger (Hirgon) that it will take a WEEK for the Riders of Rohan to come Gondor's RESCUE.)

Hirgon: "We're all going to be dead by then - still you might give the Orcs and Southerners a nasty shock."

Théoden: "True, true."

* * *

(Merry is ANNOYED at the idea of being left BEHIND, falls ASLEEP and wakes up to FIND that DARKNESS has FLOWED out of MORDOR [don't ask]. Théoden ORDERS the Muster of Rohan; Merry gets some ARMOUR and the Riders of Rohan SING. Merry is ORDERED to stay with Éowyn, but a Rider (Dernhelm) has a PROVERB to SHARE and OFFERS to HIDE him under his CLOAK [don't ask] and take him to war.)

Merry: "Yippee!"

(Dernhelm's horse isn't too BOTHERED about the extra WEIGHT because Dernhelm is SMALLER than MOST. As they get CLOSER to Gondor, everyone gets DEPRESSED.)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: insistence, black rider, confusion, straight answer, annoyance, Mordor, don't ask, singing, proverbs, depressed

(Aragorn, Théoden, Legolas, Gimli, Merry and the Riders of Rohan RIDE towards EDORAS and meet the Rangers. Arwen sends Aragorn a PRESENT, Legolas looks TROUBLED, and Merry swears LOYALTY to Théoden and becomes an esquire. Aragorn SURPRISES everyone by ANNOUNCING that he's going to Gondor by the Paths of the Dead; Gimli SCOLDES him for using the Palantir and contacting Sauron but Aragorn SAYS he acted ROYALLY and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Sauron, who probably wasn't.)

* * *

(Due to being SMITTEN with Aragorn, Éowyn visits him in the NIGHT [don't ask].)

Éowyn: "Will you take me with you?"

Aragorn: "Nope."

* * *

(Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and the Rangers (The Grey Company) TRUDGE through the Paths of the Dead; Gimli GRUMBLES about being SCARED and Legolas TALKS to the horses. The Company LEAVES the Paths of the Dead, but are FOLLOWED by some dead warriors [don't ask].)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: presents, troubled, loyalty, surprise, kingly, impressed, smitten, don't ask, trudging, scarded, leaving, dead

Pippin: "Why can't I have nice, shiny crystal ball?"

(Merry explains why, taking the OPPORTUNITY to share a PROVERB. Pippin STEALS the Palantir from Gandalf and has a NASTY experience with one of the BLACK RIDERS/NAZGÛL [don't ask].)

Gandalf: "You're a real prat, do you know that?"

* * *

Aragorn: "Oi, that Palantir is a family heirloom! Give it here!"

Gandalf: "Sure. But don't be to eager to use it!"

Aragorn: "Who? Moi?"

(Gandalf takes the OPPORTUNITY to shares a PROVERB with Aragorn; Théoden DECIDES to RIDE back to Helm's Deep with Éomer, LEAVING the majority of the Riders at Aragorn''s DISPOSAL.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Arrgh! Nazgûl/Black Riders!"

(Gandalf RIDES off with Pippin and Merry WHINES about being left BEHIND.)

Aragorn: "Idiot."

* * *

(Gandalf BRAGS about his horse (Shadowfax), SINGS and goes off on a very LONG -WINDED explanation about the Palantir. Pippin is SURPRISED to find out that they are going to Minas Tirith, not Helm's Deep, and Shadowfax SPRINGS forward with FIRE flying from his FEET [definitely don't ask].)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: opportunity, proverbs, black rider, prat, decision, leaving, whining, singing, long-winded, surprise, don't ask

Rider of Rohan: "By the way, we've become very xenophobic recently - hey, are those our horses?"

Aragorn: "Yup."

* * *

(Later, the DOORMAN (Háma) wants to take their WEAPONS; Aragorn doesn't want to give up his SWORD and Gandalf wants to keep his STAFF. Finally, Aragorn gives in and Háma takes the OPPORTUNITY to share a PROVERB. Gandalf gets to keep his STAFF. Théoden doesn't look too HOT [don't ask].)

Gandalf: "I'm back!"

Théoden: "Do I look happy to see you?"

(Wormtongue says that Théoden’s son is DEAD and that Éomer can't be TRUSTED. He and Gandalf take the OPPORTUNITY to swap PROVERBS and Gandalf SINGS.)

Gandalf: "You gonna listen to me now?"

Théoden: "Sure."

(Éowyn arrives, SAYS and DOES nothing and is QUICKLY sent away again by Gandalf. Éomer is RELEASED from prison, Théoden is FILLED IN in on recent EVENTS and LEARNS that Wormtongue is a TRAITOR. Éowyn is SMITTEN with Aragorn and Théoden can't THINK of anyone to RULE Rohan for a bit until Háma remembers and suggests Éowyn. Everyone else RIDES out towards Isengard.)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: sword, opportunity, proverbs, staff, don't ask, dead, trust, singing, learning, traitor, smitten

(They are AMBUSHED by Orcs, who KIDNAP Merry and Pippin. Aragorn HEARS the Horn of Gondor and FINDS Boromir looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask]. He promises to RESCUE Minas Tirith; Boromir DIES and Aragorn WHINES.)

Legolas: "Ooops."

(They send Boromir's BODY downstream in a BOAT and Legolas and Aragorn take turns SINGING. After some SOUL-SEARCHING they follow the Orcs and Aragorn SPRINGS forward like a DEER [definitely don't ask].)
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: ambushed, kidnapping, pin-cushion, don't ask, dead, whining, boats, singing, soul-searching, deer

(Aragorn feels VINDICATED, what's left of the Company RUN a lot and Legolas SINGS. They spend the NIGHT in the TREES with Elves [don't ask] and get BLIND-FOLDED next day until Galadriel SENDS word that its not NECESSARY. They TRUDGE to Lothlórien and Aragorn has a SPIRITUAL moment [don't ask].)
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: vindicated, singing, tree, don't ask, unnecessary, spiritual

(Elrond FORMS the Company of the RING; Aragorn SAYS he's COMING too and Frodo is overly EXCITED by the NEWS [don't ask].)

Aragorn: "Boromir's also coming. He's cool."

(Merry and Pippin also TAG along. Aragorn gets a nice new SWORD; Frodo gets STING and a MITHRIL shirt. Before they LEAVE Rivendell, Elrond and Gimli take the OPPORTUNITY to swap PROVERBS. On the way, they use a lot of DWARVEN place names and Aragorn gets PARANOID. Eventually, they TRUDGE up a large MOUNTAIN and get STUCK in a snowstorm, which gives Legolas the chance to SHOW-OFF. He takes full ADVANTAGE and then RUBS it in. The Company TRUDGE back down the MOUNTAIN.)
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: formation, ring, excited, don't ask, tag, sword, leaving, opportunity, proverbs, paranoia, trudging, showing-off, stuck

Frodo: "What the hell happened?"

(Everyone is UNABLE to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Next day Strider finds the BLACK RIDER'S knife and the BLADE disappears in a PUFF of SMOKE [don't ask].)

Strider: "Oooh, that's not good."

* * *

(They TRUDGE towards Rivendell, Frodo has lots of NIGHTMARES and Sam WHINES.)

* * *

Pippin: "Arrgh! Trolls!"

Strider: "Idiot:

• Family history;
• Broad daylight;
• Made of stone;
• Bird's nest behind ear."

(Sam SINGS and they TRUDGE on.)

* * *

Strider: "Glorfindel!"

(They put Frodo on Glorfindel's horse and get AMBUSHED by the BLACK RIDERS. Glorfindel's horse ESCAPES and the BLACK RIDERS are WASHED away by the RIVER. Frodo FAINTS.)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: unable, straight answer, black rider, blade, puff, smoke, don't ask, trudging, nightmares, whining, singing, ambushed, escape, washed, river, fainting

Gandalf: "I'm off, but I'll be back before you leave."

(He isn't. Mostly LONG-WINDED stuff involving EATING happens. They meet a BLACK RIDER.)

Frodo: "I don't like the look of this."

(They hide, Frodo is TEMPTED by the RING and then the BLACK RIDER leaves. More EATING and SINGING occurs.)

* * *

Sam: "Elves! Yay!"

Elves: "Oooh, Hobbits!"

Frodo: "Can we tag along with you?"

Elves: "Nope."

Frodo: "But we're being chased by Black Riders."

Gildor: "Oh all right. Come on then."

(They EAT, make MERRY [don't ask] and the Elves refuse to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Then they fall asleep and the Elves scarper.)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: long-winded, eating, black rider, temptation, ring, singing, don't ask, straight answer