(Pippin FINDS out that he is pretty much ornamental, gets DECKED out in the ARMOUR of the Tower Guard and is given a TEMPORARY job as Denethor's esquire, but becomes WORRIED when he is TOLD that one of his DUTIES is to SING. Gandalf RESCUES Faramir from the BLACK RIDERS and everyone is HAPPY to see Faramir ALIVE. Except for Denethor, who isn't.)

Faramir: "I say, last time I was here there weren't any Hobbits in the Tower Guard."

Gandalf: "New ornament."

(Gandalf is WORRIED that Frodo went to Cirith Ungol and Denethor WHINES about Faramir being ALIVE rather than Boromir.)

Faramir: "Hey, you sent him on that mission."

Denethor: "I wish I hadn't. You're useless - at least Boromir would have bought me a nice shiny Ring."

Gandalf: "Don't be a prat."

* * *

(Everyone feels SORRY for Faramir but no-one COMPLAINS when he gets sent to the FRONT (the Fields of Pelennor). NEWS arrives that Faramir is FIGHTING a lost CAUSE because the Lord of the NAZGÛL is on a ROLL and Gandalf RIDES off to HELP Faramir. It doesn't do much GOOD and the Men of Gondor get their ARSES KICKED. Faramir is INJURED and more of the MORDOR army turns up.)

Gandalf: "There's no way the Riders of Rohan can help now. We've had it."

* * *

(The army of MORDOR catapult DEAD-HEADS into the first circle of the City; Denethor is a walking CLOUD of DEPRESSION and REFUSES to leave his SON'S room. He DECIDES to KILL himself and Faramir but Pippin shows some INITIATIVE and RUNS off to FIND Gandalf. The Enemy BUSTS through the Gate and the Lord of the NAZGÛL gloats.)

Lord of the Nazgûl: "Ha ha, I win, you lose! Tee hee!"

(Gandalf is talking TOUGH when the Riders of Rohan FINALLY arrive.)

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Tags: worried, singing, rescued, black rider, happy, alive, whining, prat, fighting, Mordor, depressed, decision

(Sam EVENTUALLY picks himself up off the FLOOR, finds another WAY into the tower and discovers a LOT of DEAD Orcs. The RING starts to POSSESS him but he RESISTS it in the followsing manner:)

Sam: "Possession? Ha! I laugh in the face of possession!"

(He uses Galadrial's PRESENT to get past the stone WATCHERS at the door. He searches some MORE, SINGS and finds Frodo BUTT naked and being WHIPPED [don't ask] by an Orc called Snaga. This decidedly NARKS Sam off. R.I.P. Snaga.)

Frodo: "Oooh, what happened?"

Sam: "Don't ask."

(Sam thus takes the opportunity of not giving Frodo a STRIAGHT ANSWER. Frodo WHINES about losing the RING. Sam CASUALLY explains that he has the RING. Frodo takes the opportunity to INSULT him, then unconvincingly BLAMES it on the RING and they DECK themselves out in Orc gear.)

Sam: "We've got to get out of here!"

Frodo: "Never mind that, we need food."

(They EAT and use Galadrial's PRESENT again. A BLACK RIDER turns up and does NOTHING.)
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Tags: dead, ring, presents, singing, don't ask, narked off, straight answer, opportunity, whining, insults, black rider, eating

Pippin: "Why can't I have nice, shiny crystal ball?"

(Merry explains why, taking the OPPORTUNITY to share a PROVERB. Pippin STEALS the Palantir from Gandalf and has a NASTY experience with one of the BLACK RIDERS/NAZGÛL [don't ask].)

Gandalf: "You're a real prat, do you know that?"

* * *

Aragorn: "Oi, that Palantir is a family heirloom! Give it here!"

Gandalf: "Sure. But don't be to eager to use it!"

Aragorn: "Who? Moi?"

(Gandalf takes the OPPORTUNITY to shares a PROVERB with Aragorn; Théoden DECIDES to RIDE back to Helm's Deep with Éomer, LEAVING the majority of the Riders at Aragorn''s DISPOSAL.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Arrgh! Nazgûl/Black Riders!"

(Gandalf RIDES off with Pippin and Merry WHINES about being left BEHIND.)

Aragorn: "Idiot."

* * *

(Gandalf BRAGS about his horse (Shadowfax), SINGS and goes off on a very LONG -WINDED explanation about the Palantir. Pippin is SURPRISED to find out that they are going to Minas Tirith, not Helm's Deep, and Shadowfax SPRINGS forward with FIRE flying from his FEET [definitely don't ask].)

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Tags: opportunity, proverbs, black rider, prat, decision, leaving, whining, singing, long-winded, surprise, don't ask

(Frodo and Sam are STUCK in the CLIFFS of the Emyn Muil. On the horizon, MORDOR glows red and looks very THREATENING.)

Sam: "Join the Company they said, see the world they said... Eek! That bog smells!"

Frodo: "Whatever."

(Frodo WHINES about going to MORDOR and Sam WHINES about only having lembas to EAT. They attempt to CLIMB down the CLIFF, see a BLACK RIDER and finally get down the CLIFF, thanks to Sam's ROPE - which, it turns out, is MAGICAL and COMES when Sam CALLS it.)

* * *

Gollum: "Where'ss my Preciouss?" [Repeat many times for full effect - double 's' vital.]

(Sam JUMPS on him, nearly gets STRANGLED and Frodo THEATENS to cut Gollum's THROAT.)

Gollum: "I'm jusst lonely!"

Frodo: "Whatever. Take us to Mordor or die!"

Gollum: "Arrgh! No! No!"

(He AGREES to take them anyway - after STAGING a small ESCAPE attempt. Gollum PROMISES not to try anything again, SLOBBERS over Frodo and they TRUDGE towards MORDOR.)

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Tags: stuck, Mordor, threatening, whining, eating, climbing, black rider, rope, magical, strangled, escape, trudging

(Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas RUN through Rohan and everyone WHINES. They meet the Riders of Rohan; there is a bit of an ARGUMENT, but Aragorn acts like a KING and everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Éothain, who isn't.)

Éomer: "The Orcs are dead and no-one else was with them, but have these horses and see for yourselves."

(Gimli WHINES about having to ride a horse and the RIDERS OF ROHAN leave. Later, the gang receive a strange VISITATION from an OLD man and their horses DISAPPEAR. Gimli, having WHINED about riding a horse, now WHINES about the LACK of horses.)
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Tags: whining, argument, impressed, kingly, visitation, disappear

(They are AMBUSHED by Orcs, who KIDNAP Merry and Pippin. Aragorn HEARS the Horn of Gondor and FINDS Boromir looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask]. He promises to RESCUE Minas Tirith; Boromir DIES and Aragorn WHINES.)

Legolas: "Ooops."

(They send Boromir's BODY downstream in a BOAT and Legolas and Aragorn take turns SINGING. After some SOUL-SEARCHING they follow the Orcs and Aragorn SPRINGS forward like a DEER [definitely don't ask].)
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Tags: ambushed, kidnapping, pin-cushion, don't ask, dead, whining, boats, singing, soul-searching, deer

Frodo: "What the hell happened?"

(Everyone is UNABLE to give Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER. Next day Strider finds the BLACK RIDER'S knife and the BLADE disappears in a PUFF of SMOKE [don't ask].)

Strider: "Oooh, that's not good."

* * *

(They TRUDGE towards Rivendell, Frodo has lots of NIGHTMARES and Sam WHINES.)

* * *

Pippin: "Arrgh! Trolls!"

Strider: "Idiot:

• Family history;
• Broad daylight;
• Made of stone;
• Bird's nest behind ear."

(Sam SINGS and they TRUDGE on.)

* * *

Strider: "Glorfindel!"

(They put Frodo on Glorfindel's horse and get AMBUSHED by the BLACK RIDERS. Glorfindel's horse ESCAPES and the BLACK RIDERS are WASHED away by the RIVER. Frodo FAINTS.)

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Tags: unable, straight answer, black rider, blade, puff, smoke, don't ask, trudging, nightmares, whining, singing, ambushed, escape, washed, river, fainting

Frodo: "So, what's the deal with my ring?"

Gandalf: "It's a Great Elven ring - it may possess you."

Frodo: "Oh."

Gandalf: "And it could turn you into a compulsive liar."

(Gandalf takes the RING from Frodo and throws it in the FIRE; LETTERS appear on it.)

Gandalf: "This is the One Ring and it is very evil."

Frodo: "How come I get it?"

(Gandalf goes off on a long EXPLANATION about the HISTORY of the RING and Sauron, the Dark Lord of MORDOR, but never gives Frodo a STRAIGHT ANSWER.)

Gandalf: "Here's the problem though: Sauron knows about it and he's gonna get you."

(Frodo WHINES a lot and then decides to LEAVE the Shire.)

Gandalf: "That's a good idea. I'm surprised you thought of it. Call yourself "Mr. Underhill" and take Sam with you."

Sam: "Yippee!"
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Tags: ring, fire, letters, explanation, history, Mordor, straight answer, whining, leaving