(Once Anárion DIES, KIDS start to be in short SUPPLY [don't ask] and GREED and DECADENCE abound.)

Source: "Kings came and went, but for Sauron it was a case of 'veni, vidi, vici, dude' [or would have been if Latin had been around then]."

(The Dúnedain start getting HITCHED to foreigners [don't ask]. Another PLAGUE strikes and Men are in short SUPPLY so they stop GUARDING Mordor.)

Sauron: "Opportunity knocks..."

(Wainriders ATTACK from the East, Sauron gives them a PEP-TALK and they REALLY give it some WELLY. The Wainriders are too SELF-SATISFIED and SMUG, yet COCKY, and Eärnil (Captain of the Southern Army) sends them PACKING.)

Source: "Arveduri was the direct descendant of Isildur, but the Council of Gondor didn't want him because he wasn't the direct descendant of Anárion [don't ask]. So they gave the job to Eärnil, who wasn't the direct descendent of either. Big mistake. Arvedui needed help when the Witch-king [the Lord of the Nazgûl, remember?] attacked, so Eärnil sent his son, Eärnur, but his timing was off. R.I.P. Arveduri. Better late than never, Eärnur then KICKED the Witch-king's ARSE. Then Eärnur and Glorfindel went on a killing-spree, but Eärnur's horse embarrassed him [don't ask] when the Witch-king turned up. Glorfindel [remember him? Book I, Chapter XII] charged at the Witch-king, who scarpered. Eärnur was decidedly narked but Glorfindel restrained him thus:

Glorfindel: "Whoa there big fella, we're not going to be the ones to kill him - maybe someone shorter... well, not a Man, anyway."

Source: "How prophetic."

* * *

Source: "Minas Ithil was kidnapped by the Nazgûl and renamed Minas Morgul. Eärnur was good at fighting but he was also a bit of a thickie, so when the Lord of the Nazgûl [the Witch-king, remember?] taunted him, he trudged off to prove his manliness. R.I.P. Eärnur. As the descendants of the kings had senselessly slaughtered themselves by this point, the Steward (Mardil) got the job."

The Stewards

(IMPORTANT Ruling Stewards are:

• Cirion - gives Eorl (the LEADER of the Rohirrim) a LARGE chunk of land, which they call Rohan.
• Ecthelion II - has an INFALLIBLE advisor called Thorongil, although no-one has a CLUE where he comes from. He likes Gandalf. A LOT.
• Denethor II - doesn't like Gandalf, goes MAD and does the HUMAN BARBECUE [don't ask]; his eldest SON Boromir also goes MAD and ends up looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask].
• Faramir - is the only SANE one in the entire BUNCH and he doesn't get to RULE for long. [Two measly weeks to be precise, not even worth a MENTION in the list of Stewards. Poor sod].)

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Tags: dead, don't ask, marriage, attack, black rider, pin-cushion, bunch

(Frodo and Sam TRUDGE towards MOUNT DOOM. Then they TRUDGE some more. Sam ARGUES with himself because no-one else will LISTEN, realises they actually are going to DIE and gives Frodo a PIGGY-BACK ride up the volcano. Gollum ATTACKS them, Frodo reaches the CRACKS OF DOOM and Sauron starts to get a BAD feeling.)

Sauron: "Right under my flaming nose!"

(Frodo is POSSESSED by the RING and, putting it on, is UNABLE to shake it off [sic].)

Frodo: "Actually, thinking about it, maybe I won't melt nice shiny Ring...."

(Then Gollum turns up and unwittingly SAVES the day by BITING off Frodo's FINGER. He JUMPS for JOY, trips, and PLUNGES to a FIERY death in the FIRES below. The RING accompanies him. R.I.P. Gollum. R.I.P. Frodo's finger. R.I.P. The RING.)

Sam: "Ouch, that's got to hurt."

Frodo: "Whatever. Time to die."

(Sam is oddly HAPPY about their IMPENDING deaths.)
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Tags: trudging, argument, dead, attack, ring, unable, fires, happy

(Frodo isn't looking too HOT; Sam ATTACKS the spider (Shelob) and STABS it (her) in the STOMACH. It (she) runs OFF. Finally, it DAWNS on Sam that Frodo is DEAD.)

Sam: "Ooops. Now what?"

(Sam DECIDES to take the RING, Sting and Galadrial's PRESENT and carry on. He doesn't get very FAR and puts on the RING to ESCAPE the Orcs patrolling the area.)

Orcs: "A body! And a really gooey mess!"

Shagrat: "Strip him and send word to Lugburz." (a.k.a. Barad-Dûr, a.k.a. Sauron's Place)

Gorbag: "What's the point? He's kicked it."

Shagrat: "You're a real prat, you know that? He's not dead."

Sam: "Uh-oh..."

(The Orcs put Frodo in the TOP of the TOWER and Sam RENDERS himself unconscious by jumping WILDLY at the door [please don't ask].)
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Tags: attack, stabbed, dead, decision, ring, presents, escape, don't ask

(Gollum LEADS them into an incredibly SMELLY tunnel and ABANDONS them. They get ATTACKED by a very BIG spider.)

Sam: "Arrgh!"

(They ESCAPE thanks to the PRESENT that Galadrial gave to Frodo, but now the spider is really ANNOYED and comes after them. Gollum TRIES to STRANGLE Sam, but ends up running AWAY with a rather NASTY back injury [don't ask].)
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Tags: smelly, attack, escape, presents, annoyance, strangled, don't ask

(Aragorn and the others find EVIDENCE that Merry and Pippin are still ALIVE and head into FANGORN.)

* * *

Legolas: "The Old Man!"

Gimli: "Arrgh!"

Old Man: "How's it hangin'?"

Aragorn: "We're kinda busy so if you don't mind..."

(Gimli tries to ATTACK the OLD man, but it turns out to be GANDALF and they are all jolly HAPPY.)

Gandalf: "My fight with the Balrog took a long time and it hurt. But I got this new outfit, so it wasn't a total loss. Galadriel sends messages:

• Aragorn: Get the Rangers together and go to war.
• Legolas: Avoid the Sea.
• Gimli: Hi."

(The horses REAPPEAR and they ride to EDORAS.)
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Tags: evidence, alive, attack, happy

Gandalf: "...So, basically, Orcs came in and slaughtered everyone."

(They are AMBUSHED by Orcs and Frodo is nearly SKEWERED.)

Frodo: "I'm okay."

Aragorn: "I thought you'd kicked it!"

Gandalf: "Me too!"

Frodo: "Whatever."

* * *

(Then the Balrog ATTACKS them; Gandalf DIES and Aragorn gets to play LEADER. They RUN outside, KILL some more Orcs and CRY.)

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Tags: ambushed, skewered, attack, dead, leader, killing, crying