(Aragorn's FATHER, Arathorn, dies YOUNG(ISH) so his MOTHER, Gilraen, MOVES IN with Elrond. Who LOVES Aragorn like a SON, calls him Estel but doesn't TELL him that he is rightful King of Gondor. Elrond TELLS him all this when he is TWENTY and has been on a WORLD TOUR with Elrond's SONS.)

Elrond: "Have this ring and the Shards of Narsil. You're going to live for a long time, unless you get killed sooner. You can't have the Sceptre of Annuminas yet because you're not old enough."

* * *

(The next DAY, Aragorn goes for a WALK, SINGS and thinks he's seen a LEGENDARY Elf-maiden - but actually it's only Elrond's DAUGHTER, Arwen.)

Aragorn: "Daughter, huh? Where's he been keeping you?"

Arwen: "Lothlórien."

(Aragorn is PUT OUT that she's OLDER than him, but FALLS in LOVE anyway.)

* * *

Gilraen: "Stop pinning for Arwen - you haven't got a hope."

Aragorn: "It's not fair!"

Elrond: "Aragorn, give it up. Not only are you going to be in big trouble when you get older, but Arwen is too good for you and she knows it. Anyway, I'm leaving Middle-earth soon and she's coming with me."

Aragorn: "Damn."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES into the wild, FIGHTS Sauron, MEETS Gandalf and becomes UGLY [don't ask]. Eventually, he goes to Lothlórien and gets DRESSED up; Arwen is SMITTEN and BINDS herself [not literally] to him, resolving to get HITCHED at some point in the DISTANT future. Elrond FINDS out and is very ANNOYED.)

Elrond: "No way - not unless you're King of Gondor and Arnor."

* * *

(Aragorn TRUDGES off once more and his MOTHER dies. The War of the RING occurs, Aragorn WINS the Battle of the Fields of Pelennor and becomes KING of Gondor and Arnor. When the RING is DESTROYED Elrond LEAVES and Arwen hangs around as QUEEN of Gondor for 60 YEARS. Aragorn eventually KICKS it, after handing Gondor and Arnor over to his SON, Eldarion. Arwen GRIEVES, goes to Lothlórien for the WINTER but no-one's HOME, so she DIES.)

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Tags: king, singing, trudging, fighting, don't ask, smitten, marriage, annoyance, ring, leaving, dead

(Once Anárion DIES, KIDS start to be in short SUPPLY [don't ask] and GREED and DECADENCE abound.)

Source: "Kings came and went, but for Sauron it was a case of 'veni, vidi, vici, dude' [or would have been if Latin had been around then]."

(The Dúnedain start getting HITCHED to foreigners [don't ask]. Another PLAGUE strikes and Men are in short SUPPLY so they stop GUARDING Mordor.)

Sauron: "Opportunity knocks..."

(Wainriders ATTACK from the East, Sauron gives them a PEP-TALK and they REALLY give it some WELLY. The Wainriders are too SELF-SATISFIED and SMUG, yet COCKY, and Eärnil (Captain of the Southern Army) sends them PACKING.)

Source: "Arveduri was the direct descendant of Isildur, but the Council of Gondor didn't want him because he wasn't the direct descendant of Anárion [don't ask]. So they gave the job to Eärnil, who wasn't the direct descendent of either. Big mistake. Arvedui needed help when the Witch-king [the Lord of the Nazgûl, remember?] attacked, so Eärnil sent his son, Eärnur, but his timing was off. R.I.P. Arveduri. Better late than never, Eärnur then KICKED the Witch-king's ARSE. Then Eärnur and Glorfindel went on a killing-spree, but Eärnur's horse embarrassed him [don't ask] when the Witch-king turned up. Glorfindel [remember him? Book I, Chapter XII] charged at the Witch-king, who scarpered. Eärnur was decidedly narked but Glorfindel restrained him thus:

Glorfindel: "Whoa there big fella, we're not going to be the ones to kill him - maybe someone shorter... well, not a Man, anyway."

Source: "How prophetic."

* * *

Source: "Minas Ithil was kidnapped by the Nazgûl and renamed Minas Morgul. Eärnur was good at fighting but he was also a bit of a thickie, so when the Lord of the Nazgûl [the Witch-king, remember?] taunted him, he trudged off to prove his manliness. R.I.P. Eärnur. As the descendants of the kings had senselessly slaughtered themselves by this point, the Steward (Mardil) got the job."

The Stewards

(IMPORTANT Ruling Stewards are:

• Cirion - gives Eorl (the LEADER of the Rohirrim) a LARGE chunk of land, which they call Rohan.
• Ecthelion II - has an INFALLIBLE advisor called Thorongil, although no-one has a CLUE where he comes from. He likes Gandalf. A LOT.
• Denethor II - doesn't like Gandalf, goes MAD and does the HUMAN BARBECUE [don't ask]; his eldest SON Boromir also goes MAD and ends up looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask].
• Faramir - is the only SANE one in the entire BUNCH and he doesn't get to RULE for long. [Two measly weeks to be precise, not even worth a MENTION in the list of Stewards. Poor sod].)

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Tags: dead, don't ask, marriage, attack, black rider, pin-cushion, bunch

(Feanor (Eldar [= Elf]) MAKES three Silmarilli; they are like LIGHT-BULBS. Morgoth KIDNAPS them and HIDES them in his FORTRESS on Middle-earth. Feanor and the Eldar try to RESCUE them; they meet the Edain (Men) and become best BUDDIES. They lose to Morgoth SPECTACULARLY.

Six of the Eldar and the Edain get HITCHED over the years:

• Lúthien Tinúviel and Beren
• Idril and Tuor
• Arwen and Aragorn.

They all become very interbred but it breaks down like this:

• Lúthien (Eldar [= Elf]) and Beren (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Dior and a DAUGHTER, Elwing.
• Idril (Eldar [= Elf]) and Tuor (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Eärendil.
• Eärendil gets HITCHED to Elwing and OVERTHROWS Morgoth. They have two SONS, Elros and Elrond.)

Tolkien (aside): "If you really want to know what happens to the Silmarilli, read The Silmarillion."

(The Edain get their own PAD called Númenor; they live for a LONG time, but want MORE. Some KING or other with an UNPRONOUNCEABLE name tries to DEFEAT Sauron, who PLAYS up to the KING'S ego and turns the Númenoreans EVIL. R.I.P. Númenor. Elendil and his SONS, Isildur and Anárion, are really the only ones of IMPORTANCE in later Númenorean HISTORY. They LAND on Middle-earth and set up Arnor and Gondor. Elendil RULES the North, while his SONS RULE the South: they build a few CITIES bordering MORDOR and BELIEVE Sauron has SNUFFED it. They are WRONG. In the following war, the Last Alliance KICKS Sauron's ARSE and Isidur takes the One RING. R.I.P. the Second Age.)
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Tags: kidnapping, spectacular, marriage, overthrow, king, Mordor, Tolkien

(Sam PLANTS lots of TREES around the Shire and Frodo is ILL a LOT.)

Rosie: "Please note that this is my first sentence in this story. Don't make me wait no longer, Sam Gamgee, d'yer hear?"

(Sam gets HITCHED to Rosie and moves into Bag End with Frodo because its easier that way [don't ask]. Merry and Pippin are STILL wearing the ARMOUR from Gondor and Rohan, while Frodo and Sam have donned their Shire ATTIRE. Rosie starts to have LOTS and LOTS (and LOTS) of children. Frodo decides to go and VISIT Bilbo at Rivendell and FINISHES his BOOK. On the WAY, he and Sam BUMP into Elrond, Galadriel, Bilbo, Gandalf and a BUNCH of Elves, who are all TRUDGING to the Grey Havens. Frodo decides to go with them.)

Sam: "Hang on, I thought you were gonna stay in the Shire!"

Frodo: "Whatever. Clear off back to Rosie."

(He leaves EVERYTHING to Sam. Merry and Pippin show up and SAY goodbye; they all CUDDLE and Frodo and the others SAIL to Valinor.)

Sam: "Hey, I'm rich!"
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Tags: tree, marriage, don't ask, bunch, trudging

Frodo: "Right. I've had enough. I'm off."

Aragorn: "Whatever. Come back and visit."

Arwen: "Please note that this is my first sentence in this story. In case your psychological scarring starts to screw your head, you can stand in for me when my ship leaves for Valinor. I won't be needing it. I'm staying here with hubby."

* * *

(Gimli and Éomer ARGUE over who's prettier: Arwen or Galadrial. Gimli GENEROUSLY allows Éomer to form his own OPINION. They get to Rohan and Éowyn and Faramir are officially ENGAGED to be HITCHED.)

Éomer: "Politically advantageous marriages - they're marvellous!"

* * *

(They all TRUDGE to Isengard, where it turns OUT that Treebeard is a bit of a SAP and has let Saruman go. They say 'bye to Aragorn. The Hobbits, Gandalf and the Elves HEAD off to the SHIRE. Along the WAY meet Saruman and his trusty sidekick Wormtongue and proceed to PATRONISE them.)

Saruman: "Isn't it enough that you've ruined me?"

Gandalf: "No."

* * *

(Galadriel and the Elves leave, while the Hobbits and Gandalf go to Rivendell.)

Bilbo: "129! Cool, huh?"

(They HANG around for a couple of WEEKS; Bilbo gives Frodo some POETRY, Sam some money and tells Merry and Pippin not to BRAG too much. Bilbo SINGS and Frodo PROMISES to come back and visit.)

Gandalf: "Don't bother. I'll drag him along to the Shire at some point. About this time of year. At some point."

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Tags: argument, marriage, trudging, leaving, poetry, singing

(In Minas Tirith, Éowyn is a walking cloud of DEPRESSION because Aragorn isn't INTERESTED. Faramir, on the other hand, most definitely IS. When the Eagles drop by and say that Sauron, enemy of the Free People of Middle Earth, has KICKED IT and Aragorn has TRIUMPHED, everyone is IMPRESSED. Except for Éowyn, who isn't. Faramir talks some SENSE into her and surprisingly she AGREES that they should get HITCHED. Aragorn comes back, is crowned KING, plants a TREE and Elrond turns up. Aragorn and Arwen also get HITCHED.)
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Tags: depressed, dead, impressed, marriage, king, tree

Legolas: "So, care to fill in some blanks?"

Gimli: "Food first - it's gone lunch-time."

(They FIND some FOOD, Pippin TELLS them about Ents and Merry LENDS Gimli his spare PIPE and Gimli gets OVER-EXCITED.)

Gimli: "Marry me!"

Legolas: "So, what happened with you two?"

(For the first part of their story, read A very long-winded story.)

Merry: "...We waited for the Orcs to leave, then the Ents broke the door down, destroyed everything except the Tower. Then Gandalf turned up, chatted to Treebeard and left. Oh, and Wormtongue put in an appearance. Other than that, we just found some pipe-weed from the Shire."

Aragorn: "Interesting..."
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Tags: eating, smoking, excited, marriage