(Once Anárion DIES, KIDS start to be in short SUPPLY [don't ask] and GREED and DECADENCE abound.)

Source: "Kings came and went, but for Sauron it was a case of 'veni, vidi, vici, dude' [or would have been if Latin had been around then]."

(The Dúnedain start getting HITCHED to foreigners [don't ask]. Another PLAGUE strikes and Men are in short SUPPLY so they stop GUARDING Mordor.)

Sauron: "Opportunity knocks..."

(Wainriders ATTACK from the East, Sauron gives them a PEP-TALK and they REALLY give it some WELLY. The Wainriders are too SELF-SATISFIED and SMUG, yet COCKY, and Eärnil (Captain of the Southern Army) sends them PACKING.)

Source: "Arveduri was the direct descendant of Isildur, but the Council of Gondor didn't want him because he wasn't the direct descendant of Anárion [don't ask]. So they gave the job to Eärnil, who wasn't the direct descendent of either. Big mistake. Arvedui needed help when the Witch-king [the Lord of the Nazgûl, remember?] attacked, so Eärnil sent his son, Eärnur, but his timing was off. R.I.P. Arveduri. Better late than never, Eärnur then KICKED the Witch-king's ARSE. Then Eärnur and Glorfindel went on a killing-spree, but Eärnur's horse embarrassed him [don't ask] when the Witch-king turned up. Glorfindel [remember him? Book I, Chapter XII] charged at the Witch-king, who scarpered. Eärnur was decidedly narked but Glorfindel restrained him thus:

Glorfindel: "Whoa there big fella, we're not going to be the ones to kill him - maybe someone shorter... well, not a Man, anyway."

Source: "How prophetic."

* * *

Source: "Minas Ithil was kidnapped by the Nazgûl and renamed Minas Morgul. Eärnur was good at fighting but he was also a bit of a thickie, so when the Lord of the Nazgûl [the Witch-king, remember?] taunted him, he trudged off to prove his manliness. R.I.P. Eärnur. As the descendants of the kings had senselessly slaughtered themselves by this point, the Steward (Mardil) got the job."

The Stewards

(IMPORTANT Ruling Stewards are:

• Cirion - gives Eorl (the LEADER of the Rohirrim) a LARGE chunk of land, which they call Rohan.
• Ecthelion II - has an INFALLIBLE advisor called Thorongil, although no-one has a CLUE where he comes from. He likes Gandalf. A LOT.
• Denethor II - doesn't like Gandalf, goes MAD and does the HUMAN BARBECUE [don't ask]; his eldest SON Boromir also goes MAD and ends up looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask].
• Faramir - is the only SANE one in the entire BUNCH and he doesn't get to RULE for long. [Two measly weeks to be precise, not even worth a MENTION in the list of Stewards. Poor sod].)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: dead, don't ask, marriage, attack, black rider, pin-cushion, bunch

(Sam PLANTS lots of TREES around the Shire and Frodo is ILL a LOT.)

Rosie: "Please note that this is my first sentence in this story. Don't make me wait no longer, Sam Gamgee, d'yer hear?"

(Sam gets HITCHED to Rosie and moves into Bag End with Frodo because its easier that way [don't ask]. Merry and Pippin are STILL wearing the ARMOUR from Gondor and Rohan, while Frodo and Sam have donned their Shire ATTIRE. Rosie starts to have LOTS and LOTS (and LOTS) of children. Frodo decides to go and VISIT Bilbo at Rivendell and FINISHES his BOOK. On the WAY, he and Sam BUMP into Elrond, Galadriel, Bilbo, Gandalf and a BUNCH of Elves, who are all TRUDGING to the Grey Havens. Frodo decides to go with them.)

Sam: "Hang on, I thought you were gonna stay in the Shire!"

Frodo: "Whatever. Clear off back to Rosie."

(He leaves EVERYTHING to Sam. Merry and Pippin show up and SAY goodbye; they all CUDDLE and Frodo and the others SAIL to Valinor.)

Sam: "Hey, I'm rich!"
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: tree, marriage, don't ask, bunch, trudging

(Merry and Pippin RUN a lot with a bunch of Orcs from MORDOR and Saruman's Uruk-hai from ISENGARD, who BICKER amongst themselves and get AMBUSHED by the Riders of Rohan. Merry and Pippin ESCAPE into FANGORN FOREST and all the Orcs DIE.)
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: bunch, Mordor, bickering, ambushed, escape, dead

(Celeborn gives them BOATS and Boromir starts to be AFFECTED by the RING. Galadriel and Celeborn INVITE them to DINNER; they all get a BUNCH of other PRESENTS and LEAVE.)

Tolkien (aside): "By the way, Gimli and Legolas have become bosom buddies."
<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: boats, affected, ring, invitation, eating, bunch, presents, leaving, Tolkien

(There is a big ARGUMENT about whether they should go through the mines of MORIA. They DECIDE to do so and Aragorn and Boromir take the OPPORTUNITY to swap PROVERBS. Later, a PACK of WARGS attack and the gang kill a BUNCH of them.)

* * *

Gandalf: "Moria!"

(Legolas and Gimli BICKER about whose RACE fell out with whose FIRST. They find the DOOR but Gandalf can't OPEN it.)

Boromir: "You're not a very good wizard, are you?"

Gandalf: "Boromir, don't be a prat."

* * *

(Finally, the DOOR opens, Frodo is attacked by the WATCHER, they RUN inside the MINES and it closes the DOOR.)

Gandalf: "There go our options."

(They TRUDGE through MORIA, Sam WHINES about Bill (his PONY) a lot and they LEARN that Gimli's cousin is DEAD.)

<< Previous << | >> Next >>

Tags: argument, decision, opportunity, proverbs, pack, bunch, bickering, trudging, pony, learning, dead