Appendix F-I: The Languages and Peoples of the Third-Age
Of the Elves
(There are TWO
types of Elven language:
- High-elven - insanely FANCY, not used MUCH.
- Grey-elven - just FANCY, used a LOT.)
Of Men
(The Common Speech is basically MAN-MADE but
different races have their OWN languages:
- Númenoreans - spoke Grey-elven, Adûnaic and CREATED 'Westron'.
- Northeners - not too SURE; Common Speech.
- Rohirrim - not too SURE; Common Speech.
- Wild Men - not too SURE; it's GUTTURAL, whatever it is.)
Of Hobbits
(They just
PLAGIARIZE other people's languages. CURRENTLY
they use the Common Speech.)
Of Other Races
(A SELECTION:
- Ents - not too SURE, but it's LONG-WINDED and UNPRONOUNCEABLE.
- Orcs - not too SURE; it's PLAGIARIZED, whatever it is; they also use the Common speech.
- The Black Speech - not too SURE, but we reckon Sauron MADE it UP.
- Trolls - not too SURE; PLAGIARIZED from Orcs, the Black Speech and the Common Speech.
- Dwarves - not too SURE, whatever it is; even THEY don't speak it [don't ask].)
Appendix E-II-ii: The Cirth
Appendix E-II-i: The Fëanorian Letters
Appendix E-II: Writing
Appendix E-I: Pronunciation of Words and Names
Consonants
(An INCONCEIVABLE and CONVOLUTED list of how
to PRONOUNCE consonants.)
Vowels
Tolkien: "Add a 'y' to English
vowels and you're all set. There are a lot of
diphthongs and a couple of other grammatical
rules I've made up."
Stress
Tolkien: "It all depends on the
number of syllables."
Note
Tolkien: "This list does not
work for Dwarvish, Orkish, the Black Speech and
the speech of Rohan. Anybody except Elves,
really."
Appendix D: Shire Calendar
-
FOR USE IN ALL YEARS
-
(An UNFATHOMABLE and DIDACTIC list of months and days.)
-
The Calendars
-
(The Elves, Dúnedain and Hobbits all have their own CALENDARS. In a similar FASHION to their CREATORS, they are all very LONG-WINDED and INBRED. The only one of any IMPORTANCE is the Shire's.)
- Tolkien: "All this stuff is pretty irrelevant since in the novel I used normal names, dates, etc for all the thickies."
Appendix C: Family Trees
-
Baggins of Hobbiton
-
(An IMMODERATE and VOLUMINOUS list of names and dates.)
-
Took of Great Smials
-
(An UNBRIDLED and INDISCERNIBLE list of names and dates.)
-
Brandybuck of Buckland
-
(An UNREMITTING and AMBIGUOUS list of names and dates.)
-
The Long-father Tree of Master Samwise
-
(An INEXHAUSTIBLE and SUPEREROGATORY list of names and dates.)
Appendix B: The Tale of Years (Chronology of the Westlands)
- First Age - big battle, Morgoth OVERTHROWN.
- Second Age - big battle, Sauron OVERTHROWN.
- Third Age - big battle, Sauron overthrown AGAIN.)
The First
Age
Tolkien: "No comment."
The Second Age
(GOOD for the Númenoreans, BAD for the Men of
Middle-earth; Elves RULE.)
* * *
(An UNSPARING and UNFETTERED list of events
and dates.)
The Third Age
(BAD for everybody. WIZARDS show up.)
* * *
(An UNRELENTING and MULTIFARIOUS list of
events and dates.)
The Chief Days From the Fall of Barad-dûr
to the end of the Third Age
(An UNNECESSARY and OVERTLY-PEDANTIC list of
events and dates.)
Later Events Concerning the Members of
the Fellowship of the Ring
(An EXPENDABLE and IMPLAUSIBLE list of events
and dates.)
Appendix A-III: Durin's Folk
Tolkien: "If you want to know more about Dwarves and Dragons, read The Hobbit."
Gandalf: "If it weren't for me forcing Bilbo on the Dwarves, we'd have been screwed in Gondor. Who's your Daddy?"
(Gimli is the only Dwarf to really GET ON with an Elf (Legolas), when Aragorn DIES they SAIL to Valinor. Gimli only GETS IN because of Galadrial [don't ask].)
The Line of the Dwarves of
Erebor as it was invented by Gimli, Glóin's son
for King Elessar [that's Aragorn]
(A family-tree of UNWIELDY and INTERCHANGEABLE
names and dates.)
Appendix A-II: The House of Eorl
- Eorl the Younger - rescued the Men of Gondor from certain death, was given Rohan and made an oath to help Gondor whenever they asked.
- Helm Hammerhand - big on the fighting and blowing a large horn [don't ask]. Held out against the invaders of Rohan and had a nasty temper. Now seen only as a ghost.
- Théoden - fought in the War of the Ring and died at the hands of the Lord of the Nazgûl. For full information, read the novel."
The Kings
of the Mark
(A SUPERFLUOUS list of INCONSEQUENTIAL names and
dates.)
Appendix A-I-v: A Part of the Tale of Aragorn and Arwen
Elrond: "Have this ring and the Shards of Narsil. You're going to live for a long time, unless you get killed sooner. You can't have the Sceptre of Annuminas yet because you're not old enough."
* * *
(The next DAY,
Aragorn goes for a WALK, SINGS and thinks he's
seen a LEGENDARY Elf-maiden - but actually it's
only Elrond's DAUGHTER, Arwen.)
Aragorn: "Daughter, huh? Where's
he been keeping you?"
Arwen: "Lothlórien."
(Aragorn is PUT OUT that she's OLDER than
him, but FALLS in LOVE anyway.)
* * *
Gilraen: "Stop pinning for Arwen
- you haven't got a hope."
Aragorn: "It's not fair!"
Elrond: "Aragorn, give it up.
Not only are you going to be in big trouble when
you get older, but Arwen is too good for you and
she knows it. Anyway, I'm leaving Middle-earth
soon and she's coming with me."
Aragorn: "Damn."
* * *
(Aragorn TRUDGES
into the wild, FIGHTS Sauron, MEETS Gandalf and
becomes UGLY [don't ask]. Eventually, he goes to
Lothlórien and gets DRESSED up; Arwen is SMITTEN
and BINDS herself [not literally] to him,
resolving to get HITCHED at some point in the
DISTANT future. Elrond FINDS out and is very
ANNOYED.)
Elrond: "No way - not unless
you're King of Gondor and Arnor."
* * *
(Aragorn TRUDGES
off once more and his MOTHER dies. The War of the
RING occurs, Aragorn WINS the Battle of the
Fields of Pelennor and becomes KING of Gondor and
Arnor. When the RING is DESTROYED Elrond LEAVES
and Arwen hangs around as QUEEN of Gondor for 60
YEARS. Aragorn eventually KICKS it, after handing
Gondor and Arnor over to his SON, Eldarion. Arwen
GRIEVES, goes to Lothlórien for the WINTER but
no-one's HOME, so she DIES.)
Appendix A-I-iv: Gondor and the Heirs of Anárion
Source: "Kings came and went, but for Sauron it was a case of 'veni, vidi, vici, dude' [or would have been if Latin had been around then]."
(The Dúnedain start getting HITCHED to foreigners [don't ask]. Another PLAGUE strikes and Men are in short SUPPLY so they stop GUARDING Mordor.)
Sauron: "Opportunity knocks..."
(Wainriders ATTACK from the East, Sauron gives them a PEP-TALK and they REALLY give it some WELLY. The Wainriders are too SELF-SATISFIED and SMUG, yet COCKY, and Eärnil (Captain of the Southern Army) sends them PACKING.)
Source: "Arveduri was the direct descendant of Isildur, but the Council of Gondor didn't want him because he wasn't the direct descendant of Anárion [don't ask]. So they gave the job to Eärnil, who wasn't the direct descendent of either. Big mistake. Arvedui needed help when the Witch-king [the Lord of the Nazgûl, remember?] attacked, so Eärnil sent his son, Eärnur, but his timing was off. R.I.P. Arveduri. Better late than never, Eärnur then KICKED the Witch-king's ARSE. Then Eärnur and Glorfindel went on a killing-spree, but Eärnur's horse embarrassed him [don't ask] when the Witch-king turned up. Glorfindel [remember him? Book I, Chapter XII] charged at the Witch-king, who scarpered. Eärnur was decidedly narked but Glorfindel restrained him thus:
Glorfindel: "Whoa there big fella, we're not going to be the ones to kill him - maybe someone shorter... well, not a Man, anyway."
Source: "How prophetic."
* * *
Source: "Minas Ithil was
kidnapped by the Nazgûl and renamed Minas Morgul.
Eärnur was good at fighting but he was also a bit
of a thickie, so when the Lord of the Nazgûl [the
Witch-king, remember?] taunted him, he trudged
off to prove his manliness. R.I.P. Eärnur. As the
descendants of the kings had senselessly
slaughtered themselves by this point, the Steward
(Mardil) got the job."
The Stewards
(IMPORTANT Ruling
Stewards are:
- Cirion - gives Eorl (the LEADER of the Rohirrim) a LARGE chunk of land, which they call Rohan.
- Ecthelion II - has an INFALLIBLE advisor called Thorongil, although no-one has a CLUE where he comes from. He likes Gandalf. A LOT.
- Denethor II - doesn't like Gandalf, goes MAD and does the HUMAN BARBECUE [don't ask]; his eldest SON Boromir also goes MAD and ends up looking like a PIN-CUSHION [don't ask].
- Faramir - is the only SANE one in the entire BUNCH and he doesn't get to RULE for long. [Two measly weeks to be precise, not even worth a MENTION in the list of Stewards. Poor sod].)
Appendix A-I-iii: Eriador, Arnor and the Heirs of Isildur
The North-kingdom and the
Dúnedain
(The next eight
KINGS after Isildur and Anárion SQUABBLE about
who OWNS what and everyone wants Weathertop
because it has a CRYSTAL-BALL SHAPED
Palantir-thingy.)
Source: "The
Witch-king [aka The Lord of the Nazgûl] tries
world domination. Then there was war, plague,
more war, and Snowmen. Elrond held on to the
heirlooms of Gondor and the Dúnedain became
Rangers. Orcs multiplied indiscriminately and
indiscriminately attacked people. The Line of
Kings was restored by Aragorn, son of Arathorn
who became King of Gondor and Arnor, but decreed
that none of the Big People with should pass the
borders of the Shire. But he still shows up at
the border for a chat now and then. One of Sam's
daughters works for Arwen."
(The Men of Gondor die QUICKER than they used to
[bummer], but Aragorn keeps going like the
PROVERBIAL Duracell BATTERY and everyone is
IMPRESSED. Except for his SUBJECTS, who aren't,
since they're dropping like FLIES. In hot
weather.)
Appendix A-I-ii: The Realms In Exile
Appendix A-I-i: Númenor
Six of the Eldar and the Edain get HITCHED over the years:
- Lúthien Tinúviel and Beren
- Idril and Tuor
- Arwen and Aragorn.
- Lúthien (Eldar [= Elf]) and Beren (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Dior and a DAUGHTER, Elwing.
- Idril (Eldar [= Elf]) and Tuor (Edain [= Man]) have a SON, Eärendil.
- Eärendil gets HITCHED to Elwing and OVERTHROWS Morgoth. They have two SONS, Elros and Elrond.)
(The Edain get their own PAD called Númenor; they live for a LONG time, but want MORE. Some KING or other with an UNPRONOUNCEABLE name tries to DEFEAT Sauron, who PLAYS up to the KING'S ego and turns the Númenoreans EVIL. R.I.P. Númenor. Elendil and his SONS, Isildur and Anárion, are really the only ones of IMPORTANCE in later Númenorean HISTORY. They LAND on Middle-earth and set up Arnor and Gondor. Elendil RULES the North, while his SONS RULE the South: they build a few CITIES bordering MORDOR and BELIEVE Sauron has SNUFFED it. They are WRONG. In the following war, the Last Alliance KICKS Sauron's ARSE and Isidur takes the One RING. R.I.P. the Second Age.)
<< Previous << | >> Next >>
Appendix A-I: Annals of the Kings and Rulers
<< Previous << | >> Next >>